Evolving marriage
2022-06-27 15:10:49 (UTC)

Feeling Better

Dear Diary,
Well I have to make my to do list, lots of calls to make, appts to schedule mostly since we are going to town friday. I need to get lab work done, I need to schedule the vehicle maintenace, I need to schedule the hyperbaric, among a few things. Need to get a check in the mail to the tree guy out of state who did work for me and want to tell them Id love them to come out when I return in Sept if they are free, Id like to be there when work is done if possible, I wasnt there for this first job, but maybe we can schedule for me to be there and get more done, alongside the structure I had put in. Electrician called me last wk and said hes about freed up to start my job, but has to go thru the application process with the electric co, which is a pain, I tried to do it on my own and once I met him he told me he can do it for me, its a pain also, but he at least can make it happen and Im out of state, so hes doing all the work, which works well for me, so praying it gets underway soon, will be so ideal if I have electricity there when I go back in Sept, I can bring my window unit, mini fridge, microwave, hot plate and have power to use tools to finish the inside, etc, It will make it a much different trip if I have power, Plus I can stay there more, instead of a hotel. Id not have running water, but I can get a hotel here and there for showers, for a night or so to break it up.

I feel decent this am, thats a good sign, husband said hes okay other then he has like a pressure feeling along his neck, below his ear, the lymph but like an infection type feeling he said. He said otherwise hes doing better. He shaved all his hair and facial hair off yesterday, well its super super short, that short prickly stubble length. Not my fave and he knows it, but he said it was an accident when he was using the hair trimmers the other day. Does anyone else have a spouse that looks strange without their facial hair? Hes had a mustache since the day I met him, it its sort of a handlebar, and its just something that suits his face, without it? He even says it himself, he looks like a serial killer, LOL. It just makes him look strange and softens his features, but now he has the whole short beard, and his hair had grayed, turned white nicely and perfectly patterned on each side, and it looks good on him. So I know it will grow back, but for now I have a different man, and his kisses are scratchy on my face.

I look at him, when hes naked, and hes so attractive to me, he covers up a lot because hes not at his ideal weight, but hes still hot. He has broad shoulders, muscular arms, wonderful tattoos, a nice chest, and hair on his stomach. I like when he wears tighter tshirts that hug his arms and expose his tatts. But if I wasnt around to request that hed be wearing polo shirts or button down oversized shirts that hide his tatts and his shape. So Ive been on him, I buy him clothing, I tell him "You want to wear this, it makes you look good, I gotta keep you hot and sexy" such as these pants we recently got at Costco, he looks so good in them, they are more slimming, not baggy, like he typically wears (more baggy jeans or cargo pants) He is a good looking man, and he always cuts himself down physically. Or when I tell him how sexy he is he does the "Are you talking to someone standing behind me?" or "Im so glad that you have poor taste" or things like that, hes very self depricating, and it gets old at times. But he is very attractive, he felt he was attractive when we met, he said that was the best hes ever looked. He was about 190 pds, working out on a regular basis, he walked around with his shirt off, low body fat. Yes he was hot, we were both in our 20s, I was in the gym about 4-5 days a wk to deal with my horrible divorce and ex as part of my way to cope, but I still think we are a good looking couple even with the weight gain. But we could get back to where we were with some dedication, Im about 25 pds more then I was almost 20 yrs ago, and I know thats not impossible to get back to, or even if Im not at that exact weight, I can be more fit and in shape. Thats what I want really, and hes about 40 pds more then he was back then.

Hes younger then me, a couple yrs, but youd think it was the other way around. I really push him to take care of himself, hes more prone to be sedenetary, tv, food, not much activity, introvert ,stay indoors. Its not that he doesnt like outdoor things but Im more of the motivator and person to say "Lets go do this or that"

These days hes been having a lot of acid reflux, nasuea, etc, ever since getting sick in Vegas 2 trips ago, hes not been the same. He never was one to buy Pepto or need that. But I also watch how he eats at times, and wonder why he doesnt make better choices and its self inflicted, and that frustrates me, as he doesnt have the self awareness, Im often in the background saying "Hey, what about this? try this? Dont eat that" at least he did say after the last Vegas trip alcohol makes him feel like shit. Hes more prone to have too many drinks, Im usually 1 drink, 2 max, and thats not often when out. It messes with my blood sugar.

I have had several fellas write me on here telling me they havent had sex in yrs, and I always marvel at that situation, but then when I thought about it, we could have been in the same boat if I just accepted all his rejection, excuses, got too hurt by his behavior and shut down myself and didnt push the issue, I could have been there, I wonder how long we could have gone without sex if I didnt make sure it happened, at times I thought he was perhaps aesexual. But then I know, if it became like that, long term no sex, I really dont think we would be together anymore, we have had some moments and time periods where I wasnt sure if we were going to stay married. But if the sex came down to nothing, I dont think we would be married today. I dont think I can do that. I was reaching the point of thinking I was going to need an affair to cope or a divorce, and I said to myself "If you have an affair, then your the jerk and you sound terrible" and I just didnt want to be that person, and it wasnt because I dont love him that I even thought that, it was because I did, and wanted to be with him and loved other parts of him, and I wanted sex with him more but he was the one putting the wedge there, it wasnt my doing. So I was really thinking I was on my way out a few yrs ago, but as with many couples, when I start to pull away he starts to come closer and step it up. Which is frustrating at times, it makes me feel taken for granted or "Why do I have to take drastic measures for you to wake up?" And that time I had at my beach studio, was so good for me, I loved it, miss it at times, miss that space I had to go to and being by the ocean. Ive been thinking I need to go again soon for like a wk trip by myself. We have to plan our next month stay (deal is we go stay once a yr fr a month in a vacation rental) We have a house we have stayed in 3 times now, and its the cheapest one to rent by the ocean for a month (around $3000) which is a steal actually, its over $1000 to spend a wk most places and all the other houses are double the price or more. So this particular house has been our place. And the deal was if we didnt move there (we would looking to buy a home by the ocean the yr before c ov id) he said it would be cheaper if we went and stayed a month once a yr till the day we die then buy property in California, taxes, etc. So thats the deal, and he can work from home while we are there. Im looking at Jan as possibly the time to go, getting out of here during winter is best for a time and being by the Ocean in Ca. I need to get that booked soon also. I have been going to that town for 20 yrs, every yr, sometimes 2 times a yr and it feels like my second home, I have friends there, support groups, know all the businesses, back roads, short cuts, my support groups are all there and I know people even when I go back after a yr that are still there. We have a wonderful massage therapist we always go and see and love her. So its just a happy place, we go walking on the beach every day, we eat some great food, we cook steaks on the fancy oven in the house we stay in. The deck has birds and your up in the trees, its like a treehouse, you see all the vultures up high circling. You watch the fog roll in and float by.

Yes I cant wait till we go back! Plus where we live now, we feel safe being gone for a month, husband did get a camera and alarm, but our new town and state is nothing like all the other places we lived where you just worried about break ins, theft, etc allt he time and didnt feel good being gone for a long period of time.

Well I think I better get up, get moving and get to my tasks for the day, Im well enough to get them done. Plus a shower and to actually get "dressed" would be good, as Ive been in pjs or just comfy clothes since being sick.