Slowly descending into madness
Ad 2:
2022-06-27 15:59:47 (UTC)

All the things he said

He said something that's been stuck in my head for the past 7 days. Something like, "your ex is in love with you and you'll go back when he'll be ready to be committed"

The second part of the sentence, I'm not so worried about. When someone like me lets something go, when someone like me doesn’t work on a relationship or a friendship, you can be sure, something went wrong and it wasn’t my fault. My relationship with my ex was something like that, I did my best. Moving on wasn’t something I wasn’t planning on doing, but he put me through so much, my body couldn’t take it anymore. Every fucking night I'd cry, choke and ultimately black out, this continued for more than one year. And seriously, my brain thought the best coping mechanism was not to love him anymore. I'm never going back to that phase. That's the story how I moved on lol, like I said, body can't take it.

Human brains are amazing stuff, it will do anything to save you even if you just don't want to live anymore. In some cases, it'll keep you alive just to kill you with thoughts you don’t want to explore. It's not my case though. If you ask me what caused the break up, to be honest, I don’t even remember anymore. It's buried deep somewhere, June thinks it's not something healthy to suppress your memories. I think June can suck my dick.

"Why" I moved on is another topic and my least favourite topic to talk about. Maybe if I'm brave enough, I'll explore my memories someday. Today aint the day.

Anyway, I got a bit paranoid and I started asking everyone I know whether it looks like I'll go back to him at some point of my life. I asked people who have known me for years. My friend circle from school, my best friend from school, June, my brother, my circle from college, people who actually know how I function. The reply was a negative and I knew it would be negative. Girl please, I deserve better, everyone knows that including me.

However I'm worried about the first part of the statement, the idea that my ex is in love with me. It's something I kind of feel like is true, but I don’t give that much of a shit. If he does, he does, who cares? The girl he's dating looks like me and his spotify's most listened song is Joji's glimpse of us lmaaaaoooo. How do I know? He told me so. He also told me that his life-long dream is to get a washroom only for himself as he has IBS. So? I don’t analyze anything out of either statement, everything he says is pretty much normal bullshit.

I don't like Joji at all man. Like, not at all. I don’t understand why people like listening to him. Also I don’t like that it's a longass entry. I shouldn’t overthink this much over something that is not even true, like it's fucking pathetic that I feel like proving the statement wrong because it came from the person I thought who knew me even a bit? Did he even get to know 1% of me in 1.5 years? I put so much effort into understanding him and that's what I get in return? Ugh, and to think I could make this work, I couldn’t be more naive.