Evolving marriage
Ad 3:
2022-06-26 21:19:10 (UTC)


Dear Diary,
Well we are still sick around here, but I think doing better today.

I have been horny despite being sick, and yesterday I was so horny I just got myself aroused and asked him if he wanted to come in and do me over the edge of the bed, a quickie, I was good to go, but he declined. So I just said no worries and took care of myself.

We ended up having a talk today, a lot of unsaid things, things I have had mixed messages about with him sexually and I just let it all out, my confusion, clarification, etc. It turned out good overall, he apologized for not being clear and not expressing his desire and want for things, that he still has his own hangups with expressing himself and that the very things I thought he didnt want or wasnt into, he is (such as watching me play with myself, using toys on me for orgasm if hes not up to sex, performing oral on me, expressing to me things he would like) Hes just not said a lot and we have discussed these things as alternatives when he says he is not up for sex, which Im fine with, but hes said things and then theres been no follow through, so that was what was discussed.

I was also looking up Why do women want to be fucked hard, roughed up, dominated, etc. I find plenty of articles on that its a letting go, turning over your power as your in control all day long and its about being able to just release all that and let your partner take over. But I wondered, is there more to it? I Was googling further, finding threads and articles and one had said its a Primal urge, that men want sex and women want to feel desired. And that summed it up better for me. When a man is all over you and just wanting to fuck you hard, rip your clothing off, etc, its the ultimate expression of desire for a woman. Im not talking about being raped per se or some random stranger, etc, but my partner, knowing you drive them wild to where they just WANT YOU. As a woman, I will say, I just want to be FUCKED HARD now and then, not every time, IM all for slow and loving love making just as much as that, but then there are times I just want it HARD. And I think its hard in a long term relationship when the dynamics have been different for so long and a lot has not been expressed, said or asked for, as I was just happy to have sex Period in the past.

Also since going on hormones, my sex drive went up, but my ability to orgasm from penetration has gone down, not sure why that is, I said because it was so infrequent before, sex that is, when it was once every 2 wks or so, I was so starved for it, Id get turned on so easy when we did have sex. Now we are having it more frequent, sometimes daily, although this wk since returned home from Vegas we have had it once, which isnt much considering how things have been, I have used a vibrator on myself in between as I just wanted to so badly, it also made me feel better being sick, the orgasm and the release of endorphins, Im one of those people who likes having sex while sick, always have and have read articles that this is a thing. Once cold meds have kicked in and Im all relaxed, oh yeah. But I am also low energy right now because of being sick, so not wanting to get up on top of him, and he cant get on top of me at this point because of the knee surgery, so our options are me on top, or him bending me over the bed from behind standing or me on my back with him coming at me standing. We used to rarely have sex, well hardly ever in that way prior to this past yr, he used to say he wasnt that into doggy, which I found puzzling, I dont so much get an orgasm from being done from behind, but I still love it, the feeling of being thrust into, it can prolong foreplay, as usually neither of us will cum but thats okay, its not a race right? So it can be part of the build up. But now we do it that way often.

Anyways, I have noticed since the hormones its like I get the build up to orgasm and then it seems to fizzle and I have a hard time getting over that edge. So Ive used a vibrator often and also when IM on my back as I dont usually cum that way when over the edge of the bed, the vibrator helps. He said today "I miss the days when I was just enough, are you now dependent on it?" and I reminded him this method never got me an orgasm, this angle, I typically orgasm while on top riding him, or him on top of me pressing down into me, thats been the main methods. But then I go on to read that its really only 30% of women who can orgasm from penetrative sex, I said WOW when I read that as Ive always had a deep vaginal orgasm with sex all my life, I do have the clitoral orgasm more from a toy. But vaginal deep ones are my fave. So I dont think he realizes how lucky I am, which is why so many women do use a toy to help with an orgasm or have to touch or rub their clit. Its not that anyone is flawed or wrong, its just the way certain people are.

I told him that it seems since my libido has sped up and we are having more sex hes very fixated on me orgasming, like hes asking me often if I have in the middle of sex, which puts pressure on me or makes me feel rushed, and then I stop just enjoying sex and going with the flow and instead I feel Im trying hard to orgasm and fixating on it, and its just messing with my head as I am not fulling just relaxing and enjoying and I know this and have said this to him before. He has apologized and told me he needs to stop fixating on that and just enjoying (his issues with fixation on his own performance and my orgasms) when Im saying Im totally fine, and if I dont orgasm before he finishes, so what, Im okay with that, just get me off afterwards, dont leave me hanging. And he can do that easily with a toy, but I didnt feel he will do that unless I ask, and how badly I just want him to reach over and take care of me, I feel desired then, but if IM always having to ask, it feels awkward for me.

He also has still never asked me for a blow job, I offer them and do them, I often just do them, sometimes I ask. He used to say they werent a big deal for him, that he doesnt fetishize them, and really his experiences prior to me, he said he only came with 2 other women from a blow job and those were like a 1 time deal. His first sexual encounter was with an older girl and she gave him a bad blow job (with teeth) it was so bad he hated it, so it messed him up, but he did realize it didnt mean thats how it always was, but he also said he just didnt make a big deal out of it. Now that I have done them so many times, he has complimented me, I have gotten him to cum so many times, he says my technique is awesome, that he is so happy that I love doing it now and its made him rethink his stance on BJs. But he says yes hes still uncomfortable asking for things sexually, that its still part of his hangups. We have been together a long time, and hes always been very considerate of me, but to a fault and hands off trying to be considerate, overly so and not asking me what I desire or want, and when I express it, I think hes just uncomfortable as he hasnt been assertive, hes getting better in many ways, but some hes still very reserved in, but he says its not because he doesnt like things, its just his head. Hes always writing his own thoughts onto me and reacting out of them, when Im telling him clearly what I want, desire, like, method, how, approach, I really discuss all that and tell him what is okay with me, etc. And he likes when I say that, but then its crickets, so then I dont believe him, if he never reacts on any of it, that why would I think he likes such things, if mos go by and nothing transpires? He said he felt bad, that it hurt to hear me express those things but that its his fault and hes failed in those areas and he can understand what Im saying. He just said hes still struggling with his own hangups, which I can understand. We have both had them, Ive just pushed through mine, I talk openly, I ask questions, and yes things are awkward at first when they are not your norm, but the more you practice the easier it becomes, we have had plenty of those moments, of those awkward experiments or trying something new, often times it doesnt go well the first try, but thats okay, its not the end of the world, we try again later, and things seem to work themselves out and we get into a flow and then its all good to go.

So I was crying, I was talking, we were in bed together. Such as I sleep naked or with nothing on underneath what I wear most nights, hes usually clothed, and its hard to touch, so many things, and I used to say that wknds were naked adult time as a silly thing to get him to sleep naked with me, so as you can see, he does have some hangups or things he just has a hard time letting go of. So he came back and took his clothes off and got back in bed snuggling me, I told him "Yeah just know my headspace at the moment isnt frisky as I was emotional and we were talking about all this stuff and I had been crying." he said he understood, that he was just snuggling with me, and I said that was fine, I just didnt want him to jump too far ahead, since hes Aspie, he can be very literal and I have to be very clear, such as much of the time he can come onto me and Im cool with it, but just when Im crying and expressing myself, I need to calm back down and be in a relaxed head space for sex.

We talked, we snuggled...

And he said at one point how sad he was once again to hear how Ive been feeling and then pressed himself against me with his erection to show me he does feel attracted to me or turned on if I play with myself, etc. Gradually my headspace started to shift and I reached back and grabbed his cock in my hand and just held it, and then placed it between my ass cheeks, as he was spooning me in bed.

I have to say, one of my fave methods of being penetrated is from behind in bed this way, I often shift my body some so it has a better angle and he just presses into me. Its the most amazing feeling when he does, and I love it, always have! ANd he just started to thrust hard into me and It felt so good I was emotional. In a good way, and loved it and its just what I needed.

He continued that thrusting and I was just in heaven and he was hitting my g spot, to the point I felt I might be close to squirting, but then he stopped and asked me to come to the edge of the bed. I was sorta bummed as the previous position was feeling so good and I didnt want him to stop.

I laid on the edge of the bed on my back and he entered me. Our new bed is perfect as its right height for this, no pillows needed. Our old bed sat much lower, so thats probably why we do this more now as the height is just spot on. And he was just thrusting into me, he just looks at me with his eyes, and tells me Im beautiful and he loves me and Im still feeling emotional but in a good way and I just lay there with my eyes closed enjoying. He leaned over and touched my nipples, slightly pinching or tugging and this turns me on so bad, I want more of that as it pushes me over the edge and causes my pussy to contract when he does that. Then he leaned over fully and against me, my legs spread out and hes leaning into me kissing me and it was so good. I told him to get the waterproof pad, that hes hitting my g spot again and I didnt want to make a mess if it did happen. Mind you I have never squirted being penetrated from sex, its been manually with his fingers or a toy in the past. So we got the pad down over the bed a towel on the floor below just in case, and he resumed fucking me over the edge of the bed, me on my back with my legs straight up and my feet up over his shoulders. He leaned down to kiss me again and oh crap, I could feel the sensation I wanted to squirt, but then he stopped and went to kiss my neck, it didnt have the same effect. Something I Noticed, the previous time he made me squirt when manually touching me and using a toy, it was when he started to kiss me on the mouth that it happened, well this time I noticed the same thing and told him to come back and kiss me on the mouth. He did and WOW!

Its like the minute he started to kiss me, my body relaxed and was able to let go as hes thrusting into me. And I could hear it, the wet sound beyond normal wetness. ANd squirting is not like spraying a gusher across the room, like in porn, thats typically pee that you see in porn vids, as I have dug into this, I dribble. But you can tell when it happens, and WOW, the feeling was amazing as he was thrusting into me, once he realized what was happening (I knew before he did) he lost it and pulled out to cum on me as we didnt have a condomn on.

It was the most amazing feeling, it was so good I was crying, tears coming out of my eyes, and he was light headed, and I got up to wipe off and wrapped my arms around him and told him how good that felt, he said once he realized I was squirting it just sent him over the edge. We got back in bed and laid together, something I read or learned about squirting, is that the g spot swells, it gets engorged, that that takes often around 20-30 min to achieve from stimulation, but once it happens, it can last and you can keep squirting and going, and I know this from manual play, its incredible! And it takes about 15 min or so for it to calm down, so I will be in this weird state afterwards, like Im turned on still and want to keep going (Well I do!) but often he has stopped by then, So when Im laying there with him and cuddling and I just keep my eyes closed, its like my mind keeps replaying him thrusting into me and the feeling over and over again and I just sigh and make sounds laying there in the state of calming down.

I told him how good it felt, he said to me "I guess I am enough after all" ha, Ive never said hes not enough, but thats his own issues, but it was the perfect moment for us after the talk we had had. It was sensual, loving, intense, erotic and I felt super connected to him.

We laid there awhile, he fell asleep, and I got up and needed to eat badly as it was near noon and I hadnt eaten since the night prior, and with all the activity I needed some food and liquids! So I got up, made an acai bowl with fruit and granola, and went outside and sat on the back patio chair and ate my bowl, I watered some of my plants and just felt the breeze and sun on my skin and was just happy. Oh wait Im sick right? I still wasnt feeling sick. My last dose of theraflu I took early yesterday eve and I was okay and not all achy. I went back in the house and cleaned up the kitchen a bit, came back to bed and woke him and crawled back in, but then started to notice my back and ankles starting to ache, so I got up and made an epsom salt bath and soaked then made another cup of theraflu and then crawled back in bed with him, he had not gotten up at all during all of this, he was OUT.

I brought him a bar and some water as I knew he needed something too.

We listed to another podcast together, they had an episode on "Dinners with George" and I had heard of this before, but they had the actual man George on interviewing him about these dinners. I love the sound of them! They are lifestyle dinners but there is no sex rooms or sex happening at them, they are 5 course dinners high class fancy places with wine pairings and top chefs with small groupings of couples all similar in their interest in the lifestyle but he said he prefers people new to it, that experienced people this isnt for them so much. And we just listened to the entire episode together.

After that was over, he got up to shower, shave, clean up the dishes he left from the night before making food and then made some soup and just brought me some, I told him I was writing so wanted my alone time and so he is on his computer and left me my soup. And here I sit in our bed, having a happy sick girl Sunday and got to reconnect with my husband once again and it was wonderful.

We are working our way through all the changes in our sex life together, and its been good, has its moments and we just have to communicate and figure some things out and work together. Its not the end of the world, it doesnt mean we dont love each other when we are off, but it does mean some things have to get dialed it or clarified at times. ANd I admit I spearhead a lot of it and these convos as hes just one to not say anything so I push us to communicate, to do and be better and push him out of his comfort zone and make him uncomfortable (in a good way) and push him to open up, explain whats up with him and not stay stuck in his head with his assumptions, and I just let him know what I am feeling or perceiving from him, I said "It might not be accurate or correct, but its how IM feeling, and its not your job to be defensive but to hear me out and just know thats how things are coming across to me" and then for open dialogue after I share, not attacking or blaming, but just sharing where we are coming from.

So yeah, praying I continue to feel better, this is the best day so far, and I started taking garlic several times a day over a day ago and I always notice if I do that I kick things really fast. Also did the Neti pot yesterday and Im gargling several times a day as is hubby. I take my vit c, and we have this nasal spray we use, but using theraflu, ah that really made me feel normal again and took away the aching finally.

He ran to the store yesterday and bought us some more. $20 for generic theraflu!??? wtheck! As they were out of the regular, so he ordered some more on Amazon, I always try to keep cold stuff on hand so you dont have to run and get it when your sick, and he had used most of what I had bought in the past and I had a combo box of day and night theraflu, and only had 3 packets left total and he used the nightime one when I pulled it out of the cupboard, so I always tell him if he uses up stuff, he needs to replenish it, so he did yesterday.

Its funny as I listened to a Hotwives podcast on squirting and my husband I disagreed with the 2 womens take on it, on the podcast, as they made it sound like it wasnt that great and all that, and I disagreed, its very pleasurable, but, if I had continued to do it the way recommended on many videos online, I may not have as they say you have to do it so hard and aggressive with the fingers, we did the first time I squirted and it worked but then hubby tried again and it was so uncomfortable that I asked him to stop. And I listened to another gal on another podcast saying she was able to do it herself with a toy and I went and tried and I was also as long as it hit my g spot and I moved it vigorously, but it didnt require crazy hard painful pressure so I told hubby later and we experiment again after that and I do not need that and its made it even better! Just like today, nothing hurt or was uncomfortable and it was very pleasurable, its different from an orgasm the sensation but it has pleasure in the release (YOu can squirt with or without orgasm) I have no orgasmed at the same time but wow the feeling it intense and good, its just different.

So Im a happy girl, sitting in my bed propped up with the settings on our awesome bed with the remote which we love! And the sun is shining but clouds are moving in, we are to have some rain this eve. And back to another work wk for hubby and hopefully Ill feel better. He has friday off for his next dr appt for his knee out of town so we will spend the wknd away, talking of going to the cabin if the weather isnt too hot, you never know this time of yr, if its good weather we might stay out of town until Monday am and come home and have the 4th at our house. So we will see how things go. I also need to book another hyperbaric appt.