Slowly descending into madness
2022-06-25 03:54:03 (UTC)

Dreams and insecurities

I saw him in my dreams again. This time, he looked really different and he kept asking me this one question that really pissed me off. "What makes you insecure about me?"

Girl, I didn’t tell you that in real life, I wont talk about it in my dreams, I wont talk about them anywhere. He doesn’t understand one thing, just like he's insecure, I'm insecure as well. Except I didn’t admit it. I can't admit even if I want to. I can't tell him, ok you said sth like this on that day and that happened and that's why I pulled myself away from you, it made me that insecure.

Because every fucking time I opened up to someone about my issue, they used it against me. I can't talk about it, I can't write about it, I'll be buried with it. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I'd honestly lose someone than talking about my insecurities. He's right, I'm too good to be true. Because not everyone is like me, that they'll do anything for assurance without gaslighting or getting angry. In fact, 99% of people will use your weakness, insecurities, stories and everything else that you’re afraid of, against you. That's how the world works. It sucks but it was never supposed to be kind with you in the first place.

I often feel like I'll need therapy to trust someone with my history, jealousy, insecurities ever again. But that's too much work. I wouldn’t do it for myself, I'd rather let the words give me a 3rd degree burn ever and ever again.

For a woman, who talks big about toxic masculinity, I don’t share anything with anyone. Not with a lover, not with a friend. I'm very ashamed of these stuff, the way I think, the way I used to do stuff, the way I let people manipulate me for a long time and I'm always scared if someone gets to know all this, they'll use this against me, either with words or with actions. My ex boyfriend did it with actions, my ex best friend did it with words, so people will always find a way to hurt me.

Everything I do is for someone else. Everything. I feel like I don’t like doing anything. I only do things because I'm expected to do. It’s fine though.

I did something out of paranoia. I'll write about it later. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. These days, I'm pretty sleepy on pills so I don’t feel anything. In a way it works. I'm so sleepy I can't feel the anxiety I was feeling. No more panic attacks haha.

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