GoodGirl

Sick

Dear Diary,
Well its official, we are sick. Husband came down with something before me 2 days before but last night I started to feel it. Achy, scratchy throat, headache....

So Im in bed today, luckily I have a stash of cold meds and things on hand when all the virus stuff broke out and plus I had the allergy thing not too long ago that I thought was a flu bug.

I was up at 5am, slept on the couch as husband is cold and bundled up with blankets, me on the other hand Im hot, and can barely sleep with just a sheet and need the fan on, so that doesnt work for a good combo in bed for sleeping. I took a bath to help with the achy legs and then took some tylenol cold meds. Slept a few hrs here and there but mostly just hanging out. Had enough energy got up and started a load of laundry and the dishwasher and heated up some soup. Took my Vit C, Quercitin, Zinc, collodial silver and we have this nasal spray. I need to Neti nasal rinse, but Im too tired to do it right now but its on the list. We are just going to have eggs and bacon for dinner as we need something easy and I have that stuff in the fridge. Luckily husband can still manage to work since hes remote even though sick. We are sure we picked it up in Vegas as the timing is pretty spot on and otherwise we arent around many people on a regular basis.

So yeah, I did get the vacation rental cleaned before I got sick early yesterday thank goodness as I wont have energy for that

Spoke with my youngest for several hrs yesterday, and he told me something,,,

something we have suspected since he was a kid but had no proof of even the counselor I had him with said he displayed the traits of someone molested, but he didnt know either, we even went through family members names, etc. Well my son said yesterday who it was. Nobody we thought of, younger in age, more of his peer group but family.

Hes struggling mentally and has been, wondering why, hes having very vivid dreams but told me about how he was afraid to go in a room of a house as a kid and did I remember camping and this house? I did not as its when his Dad and I separated and I never went there. Well he connected finally that it was the room (he was under the age of 4) and who it was....

But there is also some things with his brother, which I knew as he told me a yr ago, but I didnt feel it my place to intervene, I hugged my oldest, he was in therapy, he cried and told me about things that had happened and he told his Dad also. So it played out in some fashion, but my youngest was in jail then and his Dad made remarks, but I dont think anybody has really talked together, its like telephone, and I dont think anyone has to spoke to anyone directly, etc. I just said if you were all kids and you played any role, just own your part and apologize, but also dont expect everyone to support you when you come forward with what happened to you, people go into denial, etc. The neighbor kid was also part of this, a few yrs older and I looked after that kid as he was raised by his relatives as his parents were addicts. So when I found out he was part of this, I felt bad, because I didnt pick up on it, and of anyone, I knew this kid had it happen to him by an adult man, as I sat on the curb talking to him about it when he was young and he thought he was "In Love" with the man. SIgh

A bunch of shame, secrets, lies, family junk. I have written about my own stuff here, my husband has had his own experiences, we both spoke up as kids and both got backlash although mine wasnt as severe as his, he wasnt believed when he told his family he was molested by a relative, so he pretty much blew off his family as a result, and that relative ended up dying which he was thrilled about and disappeared aroudn the funeral as everyone expected him to go, he took off for days. He and his mom had a talk about it before she passed away. She claims she didnt know, as he brought it up, but he says he did tell her when he was a kid.

Anyways, so its seeing it happening with your own kids, molestation, family, and friends, I told him its so rampant, more then you realize, every guy I have ever known/dated all had been molested and told me. I think its worse with guys but kept more a secret then girls.

So I asked him if hes talked to his brother directly, he hasnt, Hes angry wants to punch him he said, and on the other hand I know what his brother has said and told me, so the stories are conflicting, so that will need to get hammered out among them at some point, but my son said his Dad told him its like a bullet saying this stuff to the family, I said "Yeah, your setting off a bomb" but I told him that doesnt mean he doesnt say anything, just be prepared for how hard it might be. You might not get support from that side of the family over it. I want to say so much more but I bite my tongue, because I dont feel its my place, at this point in time to speak for his Dad or his brother, I have had them confide in me and I just figured their Father had opened that dialogue with them(this is my ex) as he was molested and he molested his cousins, he slept with a relative, he was accused of molestation and their home searched when he was a teen (I really wonder more about the details of this story as he and his mom blew it off as bogus claims) My ex did apologize to his cousins when we dated as he told me this, but as I have stated early in my diary and my own story, I was 16 when I met him and the relationship started off more like a molestation, grooming, thing, so you get what I mean? My kids dont know this.

He said he did call the counselor, he saw him all through high school and the counselor and I met and talked by phone a lot. I liked him and he was there for my son, so will see if they get to talk. Now its outside of a counseling basis, he has his cell. ANd I know they have spoken now and then over the yrs, but my son has been using and in and out of jail.

I pray he makes some breakthroughs coming out with this. He has a gf now, and Im always wary as the last 2 situations have been horrible and for whatever reason he pushes his gfs to call me right away when he starts dating them, to like make friends with me? So its awkward, its too soon, and it puts me in a wierd position if things fall apart, as Im there for my son but also know his flaws, the last gf was so toxic and abusive, even to me, thats part of why he was in jail was dv with her, she was my age(yeah thats wierd) and crazy. So he finally left the state after being released this last time over the episode with her, she was still living in his place using his $$.

So the new gf he said is into sex research, she is sharing info in the background, and shes writing a book, they have moved out of state together and have a little place

Its on my list to go see him, he did apologize for some of the lashing out he did towards me, he can be pretty viscious to where I go through periods of tears and not able to accept his calls. He said he was either using during those times or just wanted me to fix things and give him answers on what to do, when I didnt have the answers for him. In many ways he still wants me to mommy him and fix things, and hes been off on his own for about 9 yrs now, so its like? Cmon now, your grown, Im here for love and support, but Im not here to do for you and fix you, that is each of our own journeys to go on. And why I joined AL Anon was right when things started up with him and the jail calls. The Al Anon people helped me so much during that time. I remember being on the road for a beach getaway and pulling over for the jail call and the him wanting me to bail him out and then the attacking calls if I didnt, etc... I ended up in tears with a migraine and just laying in bed once I got to the beach for about 24 hrs I had to fall apart and cry and lay in bed. We all want the best for our children, but we also cant make them do anything, they have to want it, but I love them more then they know, but I also have to detach with love for my own sanity. And I tried my best to help them, but when you go through a divorce with a controlling narcissist who makes your life hell and isnt concerned with the kids well being, its a crap show. I could only control my own home as best as I could and keep that a safe harbor. He said "Mom, you protected us and kept us in a bubble, I feel like IM an amish on rumspringa!" I laughed, I said "I feel the same!" he has no idea, we got into a long talk about christianity and faith, how Im deconstructing what I once believed, and how I raised them. Funny how hes been off on his own for 9 yrs and made that comment. Yes I had them in church, christian or private schools, no alcohol or drugs in our home, we didnt have video games or cable tv. They had it at their Dads, and I think I raised the last group of kids without cell phones. Even though most kids had them and their Dad got them one secretly which I found near the end, it was more for abuse and manipulation but the kids of course were thrilled to have a phone and hide it from Mom. Uh my ex, sigh, he did so much screwed up stuff, the therapist always said "Its like your kid has a broken leg, and he brings them in and says "FIX IT!" and once its all repaired he goes and breaks it again!" that was how he referred to my ex with the kids.

I took them to therapists, counselors, youth pastors, I had gfs in church come over and help me in trying times and my Mom especially helped me so much with them during all of that time period. It was tough. Raising 2 teenage boys when their own father teaches them to disobey and disrespect you with his support. I mean he literally would be on the phone telling them what to say to me through my bedroom door as I was locked in my room sobbing trying not to let them see how it was affecting me, trying to appear a strong Mom and parent, but inside I was being smashed to pieces by this stuff and didnt know a way out. I had to just endure.

Well I feel a headache coming on so gonna take a break and lay down... pray we get well soon!