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Another day in the life of pathetic me.
So I recently turned 23 and I was so excited 'cause that's the only time my friends can come to our place. Or at least, a good enough reason for them to come.
I am usually the friend who sleeps over at a friend's house for three days. I am the friend you can call now and come to wherever you are in 15 minutes. I don't take time to make decisions. I am always there for you. So, I know most of my friends' mothers. I am very much acquainted with your house. I almost never fail to come to all invites for a sleepover or important events in their lives. But, there are no important events in my life. Not a lot. And I am only ever looking forward to them coming to me on my birthday. Sadly, no one ever does.
No one ever comes to me. No one ever prioritizes me. Not a single one of them knows what I truly want.
So I know I need to communicate my feelings to them so they can understand me. I don't know if I made enough efforts to do so but I know they also did not make ANY efforts to know me.
I have read or heard from somewhere that it's ok to not be loved the same way you feel about them. It should be alright to give all the love you have for them and never hold back even though you don't really receive the same energy because that's how love is supposed to be. And I agreed when I first heard. Sounds easy and doable to me. If I know I love my friends then it should be okay to always be there for them but they cannot always be present in my life. It should be perfectly understandable that I am always one call away and I can't even reach them when I am breaking down. I should not be worried that they know very little to nothing about my problems but I am always on top of all of their concerns and providing solutions for them. Because I love them, it should totally be fine for me to stay in this kind of set up knowing I need peer support. It should be OK. IS THAT OK? DOES THAT SOUND ACCEPTABLE TO YOU?
I feel depressed since the 20th and I can barely do anything.
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