Lost for words at times
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2022-06-19 22:34:00 (UTC)

My birthday

Today was my birthday. After a rather unsettling start that l personally regret entertaining with Andrew, it turned out being great with a vist from my youngest son and his partner although it was upsetting seeing them without Kylo l managed to hold it together and embraced their presence.

I had so many gift's today from family and friend's that l very much appreciated. There was one gift that made me cry, it was a necklace that my youngest son and his partner had specially made for me. It was resin orb that contained a small amount of Kylo's ashes. I literally have no word's, although l dare not wear it. I'm so overwhelmed that i'm able to have a tiny piece of my grandson to treasure for the rest of my life.


Andrew the person l completely fell for online. We have allowed thing's between us to be so damn toxic. I'm ashamed to say that l added to the toxicity by pushing him away with my vicious mouth out of sheer frustration.
Instead of being adult enough to deal with thing's with a response l just gave a reaction of sheer anger.

I've now told him that l will never contact him again. It's something l don't really want but l can't see this really working out between us.
Whoever played cupid that day by allowing this man into my life, and making me believe l was head over heels in love with him is cruel. I'm a real person at the end of these video calls and we have been both hurt beyond word's by each other.
My days started with him and ended with him. I'm going to find it difficult letting him go more so than anyone l have before.

To be honest l don't know what exactly l did wrong this evening. One minute he was in his own little world, l didn't agree to play along he obviously stopped the call whilst my back was turned. I tried calling him back and he didn't answer which sent me into a rage of anger then l messaged him some atrocities which l didn't mean to send. I just can't handle being ignored l wanted to gain his attention even if it was the wrong attention. He promised me numerous times we'd sort any sort of difference's out and not behave like this with each other.

I just don't know anymore.. one day where making plans for the future, next, one of us says something and we end up bickering.
Would any of this happened if we was actually together in each other's presence?
Do long distance relationship's actually work?
Have we been fooling ourselves with dreams of grandeur and fairytales, none of which would ever be or materialise?
Did we spend too much time together online?
I doubt l will ever know the true answers. All l know is i'm hurting like hell without him and i'd do anything to put it all back right or am l just fooling myself.
Looks at my phone.. cries. It isn't like l can just catch a taxi or a train to get to him as a transatlantic flight would be involved something i'm not in the position of doing.

To him.. we was both wrong. Two wrong's doesn't make it right. True love was supposed to conquer all.
I guess there will be no fairytale ending's for us.

Until next time, take care of you x