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About this diary and about me
I’ve been planning to start writing a diary for a while now. I plan to write an entry at the end of every day. I think it would be a good way to look back at everything that happened that day and reflect on it. To think through what I did well or wrong, what worked what didn’t, what I should think about things. Also, my memory is pretty bad, so if I forget something about something that happened to me, I’ll may be able to look it up here.
These purposes can be satisfied by a regular private diary, but I decided to make it public. I have a problem that’s a bit difficult for me to describe but I think it’s called executive disfunction. I have a lot of plans and a deep desire to do things, but I just can’t get myself to start doing anything meaningful. I just keep myself entertained with pointless things all day. I did some self examining to determine what causes this and how to overcome it, and I have ideas. I think, among other things, making this diary public will help me with that. If I have an audience, maybe I’ll feel some outside pressure to do what I must, and I think I need that. But mainly it’s just something I want to do. I made a wordpress site for this diary, with the same entries as here, but if I only made that, no one would see it, so I also publish it here. But the wordpress site has some extra functionality, like commenting or searching by tags, which can be used to easily look up prior events in a topic. The address is in my description.
As I wrote I will make an entry at the end of each day, and I will write down everything that happened that I find important, or I think worth remembering, or might have an impact on future events, or could be interesting for someone else reading. This diary may also be useful for me to track how I spend my time, so I might write down thing that are not that important or interesting, but I spent a lot of time doing it. But I won’t write about my plans. I think what’s important is what really happened, and not what might, it’s also more interesting to an audience. And besides, I already have a place where I write down my plans, this diary is here to help me with focusing on actions. I’m not sure yet how much I will write about my thoughts and feelings. I will see how I will actually use this diary, and will make up my mind along the way about what to write down.
This diary is only useful for me if I’m 100% honest and don’t leave out anything, so I’ll stick to this, even about things I wouldn’t normally tell anyone publicly. But I can only do that if I stay anonym here, so I’ll leave out the names of places, and I will assign random aliases to people. Right now I can’t think of anything else I’d change or leave out, but I will discuss it if I decide to do it.
I’m very bad at naming things, so I had trouble coming up with a name for this diary. By naming it, I would also have to name myself or describe myself. But I can’t describe myself, I can’t think of anything that’s characteristic of me and important and also likely would never change. I also don’t want to. I think it’s not useful to assign myself characteristics, because it would just limit me. And I want to be open to change. Then I realized I could come up with a name that reflects that, and this is how I chose this.
Even though I don’t like to describe myself, I’ll write some basic info about me, and my current situation, to help understand the context of events.
I’m a male in my 30s, living in an Eastern European country in the European Union. My first language is not English, but I decided to use it, partly to reach a wider possible audience. I also think it is very important to know this language, but I only ever use it to read and listen to things, I never speak or write in it, so this is a good way to practice.
I already wrote about my executive disfunction. I have a lot of plans and a deep desire to do things, but I just can’t get myself to start doing anything meaningful. I just keep myself entertained with pointless things all day. Because of this I haven’t done much and didn’t get far in my life. I still live with my parents. I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t have many friends. I have a job but it’s not full time and doesn’t pay much. I work at my father’s very small (only a few of us working there) printing company. I mostly work on the computer. I edit the newspapers, books, flyers, business cards and everything else that we print, or prepare them for printing if we receive them ready-made. I also print the low volume jobs on a digital printer. I never studied this, but it was easy for me to learn. I don’t really like doing it, but it’s easy, only rarely stressful and just diverse enough to not be too boring. I also have some flexibility when to go in or finish, which suits me pretty well. I work on weekdays and it varies widely how much I work depending on how much work comes in. I studied programming at the local university but never graduated. Programming is one of the things I love doing the most, but I rarely do it. I also have photography as a hobby, but I also don’t engage in it as often as I’d like. Lately I mostly did portraits of girls.
This diary is one of the things I intend to help me overcome my executive disfunction. I haven’t really lived up until now, but with starting this diary I’m hoping to also start my life.