Rantings of a restless mind
So in all of my healing experiences of past wounds, shame, guilt, etc... this has been the hardest. Even dealing with all the sexual abuse didn't seem as hard as dealing with the wounds and scars you left in your children bc you were not the parent they deserved. I thought I had accepted my shortcomings, failures, knowing that is not who I was anymore when my Shawn left this world. There were many nights of feeling my guilt, shame and so many emotions and letting them go, and even with Tia. Perhaps I didn't process this for all my children bc that is sure coming up now. I have apologized and worked on changing the behaviors... and still uncovering layers of hurts and truths. I won't entertain the memory of who I used to be bc she no longer exists, so why does Kayla's words cut so deep? Is it bc I believe them, or bc I feel that all my efforts to improve myself fall short? This is something I am trying to work through... I always ask myself if I am the one being toxic? I am willing to admit some of my reactions could have been handled better and I understand that they were triggers, that still need healing. I have, for awhile now, felt my daughter's behaviors and reactions to the boundaries I felt I needed to establish were toxic. I felt she was draining my energy with her continuous drama induced communications. I offered solutions, but those fell on deaf ears. She wasn't looking for solutions but for "someone to hear her out" as she put it. She claimed I was not compassionate or "loving" when she needed me to be. I guess I felt that complaining about the same things over and over needed a solution and not an ear. I thought I was acting in a loving manner, except when I felt she was using me. Trying to love her was not an easy task. She stiffened when I would hug her, actually, any form of affection resulted in the same reaction, so I just began to accommodate that action and stopped trying to hug her. I recently realized how I was emotionally unavailable to myself and I believe that could have been a factor in my being emotionally absent. it seemed when it came to the "messiness" of emotions, I would become uncomfortable. However, these are things I am working on and all I can do is my best. She has cut me out of her life again and this happens frequently, usually when I am falling short as I often do. So I had begun to feel like it was a manipulative action and when she decided to cut me off again, I decided that we definitely needed space apart. In the duration of the 1st week, she had found out she was pregnant and miscarried in a matter of two days. Because we were not speaking I held back from reaching out... honestly, I questioned the pregnancy due to the timing of her last menstrual cycle. ( I am learning to trust my intuition and I intuitively felt there was no pregnancy, but I can't explain the purpose she would have to make it up, nor do I want to believe she would ). But bc I didn't reach out to her she publicly shamed me on Facebook and totally blasted my inability to be the mother I should have been. I felt like that was a bullshit move and addressed it in a letter to her and spoke my truths about our relationship. I don't feel she understood anything I had said and she responded with more anger via text. it was these words that had me re-evaluating my parenting, and she even threw in some back lash for my parenting of my other children, whom I had walked away from and was unable to rebuild a relationship with. There was some untruths there that I had no way of disproving but it was important to me to try. I had reached out to my oldest son but I doubt he will come to see me to discuss the matter... I have come to the acceptance that it really doesn't matter anymore. I mean, what's done is done right? All I can do is keep pushing forward becoming better than I was... No matter who is around to see it or not. I had hoped to fix things with my kids but... The current situation is that NONE of my living kids have a relationship with me... so who is the one at fault here?? That is what my current feeling is. Before I go and start feeling sorry for myself or let the shame and guilt take hold again, I realize that I have been working through my issues. I am not the selfish unhealed, bitter, angry woman I used to be. I have grandchildren who love me and actually prefer me to their mom, even though I know thy love her dearly. So I will take comfort in knowing I have made those changes and am able to show my grandchildren who I am now. My heart still hurts at the realization of the pain I have caused, but I have no control of the choices my children make bc of it. I have tried to make right many times but it would appear it was not good enough, maybe it never will be. I live with what I know and accept that however it is meant to play out, will be how it plays out. I am thankful for the lesson here... I am also thankful for the liberation of the self imposed prison I had kept myself in for many years with self loathing and condemnation. I am still working through it all and will also work through the pain bc I am a fucking warrior and am not afraid to face my shadow in order to heal it.
The physical aspect of this healing comes in many ways... I am currently dealing with headaches, nausea and face pain. I have a feeling it is energy that was held in my body related to all the feelings I had about my actions as a parent bc it is unlike any "head cold" I have ever experienced and will work through it. I would like to go on record as acknowledging that I send love and protection to all my children and I hope they heal. The universe knows my heart. Thank you to all my ancestors and spirit team for walking beside me through it all. I send love and gratitude to all.