itsmeagain

for when i'm bored
2022-06-15 03:56:01 (UTC)

8 years later

Hey diary, it's been a while. By a while I mean it's been 8 years since I've last written. I'm 25 now and a lot has happened. I've since graduated from university and am currently in law school. So I guess that's been a success and something that I can still be proud of. But health wise I've been through a lot. I was hospitalized twice for overdosing on my prescription anti-depressants and was committed to two different psych wards. The first time was a near-death experience that was the MOST terrifying thing I've ever been through. It's summer break now and unlike my classmates, I'm not working or furthering my career. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and trying to take better care of my mental health... it's been better than in the last few months, but there's still have a long way to go.

My suicide attempts were a result of problems in romantic relationships, mostly related to feeling unloved, unloveable, or abandoned. Two years ago I was in a similar place with a different guy (I tried to jump off of a building after finding out he'd cheated on me). This time around with the overdoses, I was triggered by seeing Fixated Person going on dates with other girls and sharing affection with his main girlfriend.

It's a long story, but essentially he's in an open relationship and dates around a lot while I am strictly monogamous... unsurprisingly it was a recipe for disaster. There was a lot of pent up frustration and resentment that I tried to bury for months. There were so many upsetting triggers- whether that be his "likes" on social media, photos of him and his main girlfriend, or even his Spotify activity. I would go pain-shopping looking at his profiles, then fall into deep depression whenever I saw reminders that I wasn't his one and only.

Of course suppressing your feelings doesn't go well in the long run. I eventually tired of feeling insecure,and the volcano of jealously and anger exploded monumentally (called him a womanizer with no respect for women). I think my explosion put him off as he realized how volatile I can be. Sadly he ended up ghosting even though I was the one who ended things in the first place. Ah heartache, my old friend.

Based on the fact that I'm so emotionally unstable in relationships, I'm pretty certain I have borderline personality disorder. I meet most of the criteria for the disorder, and after reading about other BPD sufferers' experiences, I had a revelation. I finally know what is "wrong" with me! That's relieving but also quite terrifying. My most prominent BPD symptoms are fear of abandonment, desperate attempts to avoid being abandoned, and having an FP- a Favourite Person or Fixated Person. An FP is someone whom a BPD sufferer will obsess over, and historically FPs have been reason why my mood swings up and then down to the pits of hell.

It's been two months since FP and I have spoken, but I still think about him every single day like a lovesick teenager. Yes I'm aware this is crazy and my emotions control me- I check his and his girlfriend's social media every day then feel terrible afterwards. Why oh why do I willingly harm myself like this?

Diary, I don't know if you'd be disappointed by how things turned out over the past 8 years.





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