Esmeralda_Bramble

Like a Moth to a Flame
2022-06-13 20:22:24 (UTC)

Here I Go Again

Yeah, I know! Like a broken record, I’m bitchin’ again. I ran out of my “meds”… well more like a hormone balancing supplement and the store’s out of stuck. In the meantime I’ve been cranky and generally blah. My self defeating thoughts are popping here and there. Work is piling up. My “favorite” client is back at it again, stressing me out. I’ve one project to another, increasing complexity. I’ve been very productive yet when I hear the higher ups talk, feels like shit and useless again. Like I’m not doing the things they hired me to do. But I my mind is doing wonders, reminding me that I contribute a fuckkin lot and I’m not a useless shit. Then again, trying to be productive and useful is another defense mechanism. Telltale signs of an effing “perfectionist”.

I read a post, someone trying to give advice… what’s the worst could happen? Will you die if that happens? Made me think. Why am I so afraid of? I guess, I’m afraid to lose everything and given my fragile state of mind, I’m afraid I may never recover. I’ve been afraid of losing job because for the longest time it would mean I have to go back home and become a financial leech to my parents. I’m afraid to lose a lot of things cause I know I will be on my own and got no one to turn to cause I have no one, and again hate to be a burden to anyone. Even now, because of my limited mobility, I feel indebted to those who drive me around thus unable to set proper boundaries for fear of losing the help I’m getting. I know it’s easy to give advice on how to solve things but if it were that easy for me, don’t you think I’d jump in on the solution a long time ago? Or maybe I just love creating my own problems cause that’s who I am? Maybe I’m so bored with my shitty life I need to create drama to spice things up and get some sympathy.

Ah fuck. When will my pills return? I want to rest and not interact with anyone for at least a week. Of course that’s impossible. Got responsibilities. Ugh, adulting, hate it.




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