Evolving marriage
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2022-06-08 04:23:18 (UTC)

In a Funk

Dear Diary,
In a funk this eve, just have to sit with it, nothing earth shattering, just shifting of things.

Spent Monday out of town for most of the day for husbands dr appt, its over and hour and a half away one way, he didnt get the whole day off, and I also hit Costco and Natural food stores while we were there. It was a marathon run for us to get back home so he could log back in to work half day. I woke up feeling out of sorts, weak, tired, my legs felt shaky. I felt that way again later after we got home, I literally got in bed after the day out and fell asleep but had a meeting I had to attend that even, I felt like a zombie and made a smoothee and went out the door. The meeting was more exciting then anticipated. So I had a lot of stories to come home and share with husband.

I have hurt the side of my back, it runs around the side, had it before from coughing so much, like a pulled muscle or something? Well its back and took awhile to get better, so makes it hard to turn when sleeping and certain movements. Husband on the other hand is recovering from knee surgery and he props the bed way up high, our new bed is awesome, but his positions totally suck for me(we have the adjustable bed, but its one adjustment, not diff ones for each side, so Im like a taco and it bothers my back. So it makes hanging out in bed suck and I dont want to stay. So Im on the couch, but then he ends up out here part of the day icing his knee, and he needs the center of the couch for the support to sit and put up his leg so I keep having to position on ends of the couch.

I think what it is, is a couple things.

Ive been in caretaker mode, running everything, assitance, hes homebound, he isnt out anymore, he cant run anywhere, and its like he comes out often in the day and walks into the living room where I am, I cant get more then 1-2 hrs of not being interrupted by him coming in and I just need him to GO AWAY. If that makes sense. I love him of course but I need my own time and I cant get away from him and I cant sit in either room(our room or the living room) without him coming in interrupting or making my situation uncomfortable (I sit with the back of the bed propped up for my back and work on my laptop) so yeah, and then there was the anniv of his moms death and I didnt realize that and got all showered, shaved and sexy and then he came in and told me, so I just hugged him and realized this probably wont be a sexy time. So I didnt know what he needed today, he texted me pics of his mom, came in a bit emotional, but he wasnt finished with work, so would just pop in and out and like I said I didnt know what to do or how to be around him or what he wanted. So Im just trying to "Be there" for him, I laid in his lap and watched tv for hrs, and he just shut the tv off and sat there, I finally said "What are you doing?" He said "just sitting, what are you doing?" I said the same, then he goes on to say he thought I was asleep all this time, I wasnt. Anyways,,, things just got awkward, he said he doesnt want to think about his mom or talk about it, and it was just so awkward... I just want to connect, touch, have good convo, something but hes not up for any of it, yet he isnt self aware enough to just take a time out and go to bed. So I just want to tell him to go away, but then he seems hurt that Im saying that, so its just awkward, and I told him that basically "I dont know what to do, I know this is your time, I understand that" and he finally got up and went to bed. So Im on the couch. I cant go sit in there, next to him. As it will just be silence and I think he just likes me "Being there" but I cant just sit there and be his comfort all day, Im with him all the time, and I am just realizing how suffocated I feel (outside of sex) its like when we are having sex and intimate and cuddling and talking and touching, I cant get enough of that. But then once its over, its like I want to go back and do my day to day things. So I go work outside, I was outside for hours today working on the garden area and some more weeding. I also went and did some laps, walking this am at the school track, and want to start doing that every am. I was doing that but since before my trip out of state and his surgery, I havent done it at all.

So I did a lot out of the house, he scared me at one point as he was sitting in a chair out back but I didnt hear him come out or know he was there.

Im not sure what Im feeling right now. I feel like I need some defining time and space in the house of my own, I have gone through this before with him in the past and had him close the door when he works (His office lets out into the hall, so I hear all his meetings, calls, etc and sometimes hes loud and I have to get up and shut it) and then he comes and uses the bathroom which is off the kitchen and I have to tell him to shut the door, that I dont need to see him wiping his ass while making food. THat he needs to make some defining of space, I love him and all, but I dont want to see EVERYTHING.

And we have been so sexual for so long almost on a daily basis, and our last time was sunday am, and so now Im missing that type of touch, even the snuggling in bed isnt happening (because of his knee he said) so I wake up and hes on his phone (I always love being woke up to his kisses and snuggles)

Anyways, Im not sure what Im feeling, I feel I want him to go away in day to day life stuff and I want him to come here with sex stuff.

And I was looking up caretaking and I think Im not getting burned out. He used to make 2 runs to the city and do Costco runs on his days out for his sporting competitions, and so hed leave 1 or 2 days a month and get out of the house and also help alleviate some of the errands. Its going to be a good 6 mos till he can do anything sports wise, hiking, etc. So he wont be getting out or doing anything like that, all his hobbies, and then it will be winter again, but I know its the price to pay for the future. Just makes it hard to adjust too and Im the person he has, he he nobody here, no friends, no family, Im it. So at times that can feel suffocating, and Im more of the people person! Hes more of the introvert loner

So yeah, I told him the other day I will be making 2 trips Im hoping before winter, one out of state to my hometown, see my son, friends, etc and the other to our old state, see my friends, spend a few nights and then make a trip to another state to see my youngest son who recently moved there. Luckily everything isnt too far, just a state over, and I can hope one more state to see my son. So those will be solo trips for me ahead and will have to figure out when I can do that.

I was looking up caretaking and it saying how you can get burn out and stressed because you start neglecting yourself so thats why I had to get up and go to laps this am and get outside and work on the yard, etc.

I just have to put up some distance, and I come in and out of the house now and then for a bathroom break, water, a snack and sometimes hes in the kitchen and I dont want to stop and talk and hes in the way, etc. Im in a zone, so I think that is what is hard, its like he has no regard that I have a things Im doing also, and so I will need to put up that boundary with him again, as I had to do this once before in the past, some of the things when a person starts to work from home when in the past you had your own space all day and didnt interact and the house was my office and my thing. And defining work space, and not everytime he gets up from his desk does it mean he needs to come and hang out with me or chat with me, just go to the bathroom and go back to work, he will come in and rattle off work stress or something and Im in the middle of something and I just smile and nod and want him to get back in there. So yeah, I just need some personal space I think thats all.

And the time alone, I am masterbating, twice a day yesterday and today, and I just want to be alone and feel that release as I dont want to bug him with my sexual energy.

Im a very sexual person, and realizing how much I have been and its a big part of me and my interests, and making me wonder what I should be doing in life, like writing a book, a podcast, or my lifestyle I wonder about and all the changes internally in my faith and how I used to live my life, friendships, etc.

So yeah,,,, not sure if any of this makes sense... but just vomiting whats spinning in my head, which I did have this as part of my am routine, instead of doing this late at night, best to unload in the am.

I have to get up early and take him and pick him up from physical therapy tomm, and then Ill go do my walk after he gets back home and hopefully get my day started.

Pray tomm feels better

Oh and I think why I felt like crap and shaky, etc, is my blood sugar, I have been doing Keto and not much sugar at all for mos, well we splurged and ate out 3 days in a row, and had dessert 2 of those, super rich stuff, and I think it just threw me off, and so I have to get back more im my ketosis states and intermittent fasting, etc. So yeah, so hopefully Ill feel more normal again, dont like feeling like Im hit by a truck when I wake up in the am.

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