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2022-06-06 21:00:02 (UTC)

Alone and

School is ending soon. It’s practically already over. That was the only real thing I had going on in my life, only thing that had me leaving the house consistently. And it’s ending. I’m not sad it’s ending, I’d been waiting for it to happen. I’m sad at what comes after. Staying at home with myself and my thoughts all week long. For two months, about.
Dreadful to think about.
There’s no good place, really, as long as I am me. I don’t want to be at home. Or at school. Or at church. My head hurts.
It’s ending and soon I’m going to be stuck with myself and these thoughts.

What exactly is suicidal ideation?
All my thoughts are usually just indiciarions of what im feeling. If I say UGHH I WNANA KMS, it’s because at that specific moment, I really want to get away from whatever the situation is, or I did something wrong.
If I say I wanna die while looking myself in the eye in front of my bathroom mirror, it’s because I remember just how much I don’t went to live another day in a body looking like this.
If I say, it’s okay, because soon it will all be over. It’s because of that deadline I created, or rather a reminder to kill myself around 25 if things didn’t get better. You know, because the human brain doesn’t finish developing until sometime in your twenties.

If I wasn’t in pain, physically, and struggling so much, mentally, this atmosphere and freeness is something i would enjoy. But as things are, I’m wasting my youth because
My body’s ugly. My charisma is lacking and I’m lonely. Because I don’t feel like I’m deep enough in Christianity and I’m scared for the end. Because I’m not enough for anyone around me. Because my parents are wasting their money on me. Because I’m failing all the roles placed on me. Because I feel pathetic.

I don’t know how to let go. I want help. I need help, I know I can’t get anywhere away from this on my own. But I don’t know how to get it. Not without just getting rejected and getting worse. I don’t know what it means to get worse, I just know this issue isn’t one I believe others would take seriously.

My head hurts when I cough. I know it’s the headphones but I’m not ready to end this escapism marathon just yet. I’ll just return to reading and writing and wanting to die again again and

Why do I live?
I should’ve killed myself while I still had the weaponry. But I should know by now,
If I was a coward then, I’m a coward now.