Slowly descending into madness
Insecurities about other men
Still can't believe my man is insecure about other men. Honestly the tone I got from the texts are sadness, helplessness, insecurity, anger(litol) and jealousy. Who tf gets jealous about liking celebrities? (Me but that's another topic) and who tf gets jealous over a little fan-girling? I felt so bad.
Anyway I literally don't see why he would get insecure over other men when I literally use them for self-harm. When I say I hate men, I'm never lying. When I hate business graduates, definitely not lying. So yeah, when did "sexual" stuff with them, was it for self-harm purpose? Absolutely. Will I do it again now that I know it hurts him? Kissing other men - no, self-harm- yes. How? I have cutters, I have access to heavyass sleeping pills now that I'm clinically diagnosed with migraine - which by the way I'm very happy about. One of my life goals is to understand him and having migraine means I am one step closer to that. I don't care how it ruins my life, nothing matters if I can't have him next to me.
On a another topic which he might get worried about is me smoking weed/having edibles. Yes I'm on a break for 4 months, doesn’t mean that I have started disliking the euphoria that comes with smoking weed. I. Fucking. Love. It. Doing stuff with men? Not at all tbh, it's all regret and I wish I didn’t do it. But weed? Absolutely no regret. However, I made a promise so not breaking it. Even if I want to do it, I'll let him know first. A promise means promise. He can be a jackass, and I'm not, so I'm not breaking a promise like he did when he said he wouldn’t leave me but did anyway.