Evolving marriage
2022-06-01 15:11:35 (UTC)

Musing over Guys

Dear Diary,
Well I fell asleep around 4am, and didnt sleep well, awake off and on and husband awake for work but laying in bed. I didnt really want to get into bed, I wanted the message known he needs to knock this stuff off, Im very forgiving, but I also have a limit and set boundaries when Ive had enough. He wrapped his arms around me when I got in bed. I normally snuggle up to him every am and lay on his chest. Not this am. I was laying there and he started to rub my behind. I wondered what is he thinking? Hes hard to read, last night he was so weird and confusing, talking really graphic, sexual, naughty, and really going on a bit then usual.

I just go and write this entry on how I love being able to touch him, and then he pulls that weird shit last night, he has never touched me like that, an angry sexual touch, basically expressing his annoyance with me touching him by touching me roughly on my ass and pussy, when I thought it was sexual play.

Reason it bugged me even more, is hes had some experiences, we have shared our sexual pasts with one another, but he has basically angry fucked 2 women in his life, and shared a bit with me about the relationships, and he ended them on that note. Hes never once acted that way towards me in the 20 yrs Ive known him, so that surprised me last night and was uncalled for. And he claims it was because I wouldnt stop touching him? I told him I was earlier, just caressing him, but that was it, but I was asleep when he pulled this, and I responded back by touching him as I thought he was initiating sexual play, thats when he grabbed back at me and then abruptly got up and left and seemed angry and I was all groggy and confused at what just happened.

So yeah, I laid there, he did apologize last night, said hes being weird, said it could be the meds. I said okay but I went to the couch still, it made me uncomfortable and I didnt feel like laying down next to him and I didnt come into bed until 4am. So I was laying there, didnt want to snuggle or touch him now, that was just strange and off putting, and the tears started to roll down my eyes as I laid facing away from him as hes on his phone scrolling online and rubbing my butt cheek with his other hand.

Im withdrawn today, by the time he got up he figured out I wasnt okay, I said it was still about last night, that it just makes me feel like how it was in our marriage when he would tell me not to touch him when our sex life sucked. He would flat out stop me or stop abruptly and angrily say STOP and its like some residual sexual PTSD you know? Flashbacks of how things used to be and when it totally sucked and I felt so alone.

Im realizing as we talk more, the extent of his fixation with performance, penis size, etc... its always been there and been an issue for him (not for me, not anything Ive complained about, Im constantly telling him I think most of its in his head, mental, THERAPY can help) But yeah, he tries everything but that, supplements, gadgets, gainswave, pills, supplements, pumps, all types of enhancers. I havent asked for him to do any of these things, hes done them, hes said it was low Testosterone, I said bullshit. I know the T helped but he was on it before in the past and I didnt notice a difference, it was a yr of it and I sat with the dr with him one appt and he asked how things were going, and the Dr looked at me while saying "If anyone will know its working, it will be your wife, if its not that, it could be psychological" BINGO!

But yeah, as we have shared stories lately reading these fantasy books, I put something together and realized, between sexual abuse as a kid, an older woman being his first and it being a bad encounter that made him not like sexual acts for a time because she was so disgusting, but then the one girl he would hang out with, get high with, and when they went to have sex she said "Oh I thought it would be bigger" and that is the girl, he said, he went for broke on fucking her, he angry fucked her, fisted her, you name it, and then never spoke to her again, he said she even kept calling him. He said "I figure if shes gonna cut me down, Im gonna show her what I can do, but I put on an amazing performance that I could never be able to do again, and best to leave it right there" and I said "Do you think this might be part of why you have such an issue with your own penis because of that comment she made to you?" And he said '"yeah Im sure it contributes" and I agree, it was a fucked up statement for a girl to make, my husband isnt small, hes average, not that I have had a lot of men in my life, but he is pretty on par size wise with all the men Ive had sexual encounters with. Im satisfied with him, always have been, so it breaks my heart at times how fixated he is on this aspect of himself and makes it such an issue when its not an issue with me, it makes me sad really that he cant let it go. Its why he fixates on all these penis sleeves, which I know are to bring me pleasure, but its more then that, its for him also, he makes charts and diagrams, writes down sizes, hes becoming quite the collector, taking measurements, hes all about math, measurements, numbers, keeping track, scores, numbers.

Im over here going "Why not try sex for pleasure?"

We all have our issues you know, all of us, from what life has dealt us, and shapes us.

I have my own, we all do, but Im big on reading books, experts, learning what makes me tick and others and I believe strongly in therapy. Its helped me with many things in my life. Maybe one day we will find someone for him to talk too, Ill just have to make the appt, but I need someone with experience in sexual topics. Ive never gone to therapy to talk much about my sex life, it was other things. And I think Im doing okay in that realm, but it would be nice to see a sex therapist as a couple, to help him, I hate to see the way he beats himself up verbally and mentally over things of a sexual nature, its all of his own doing and whats in his head.

I mean I was pretty much shaped by some minor not too heavy duty porn young, and a strange Tom and Jerry cartoon gave me arousal (the one where Tom is Dressed as a baby and spanked and put in a diaper and made fun of by the alley cats and Jerry) I actually researched this not long ago and found this is a whole page on this episode, I have rewatched it as an adult and there is such a sexual undertone in it! Yikes, and people saying the same thing, I just know as a little girl it was a wierd sexual feeling I got watching it and I didnt even know what that meant, I just knew I felt this arousal, I wanted to replicate the scene, the spanking, the pulling the diaper, the making fun of him, it was so naughty and it just stuck in my head for sometime. See how life doles out strange things to us all?

But most of all, my ex, first husband and sexual partner shaped me. All of the kink, all of the insertion of objects, all of the head games and wearing me down and guilt and shame, using my newfound born again faith as a place to try and become that Christian guy (an act) to "Get me" singing about Jesus, hands raised, youth ministry, preparing lessons, christian concerts, prayers holding my hand. Yeah it worked, I fell for it at 16, but then when we got home, hed be up under my shirt, down my pants, even after I told him not and it was wrong on more then one occassion and cried. I mean I cried and prayed to Jesus with him for forgiveness each time sitting there. And then hed tell me he loved me, that hed never do it again, yada yada, and I believed him, because nobody told me they Loved me, and its all I ever wanted, to be loved.

But it was as if I was his playground to explore and try anything on, no discussions, no asking me how I feel, just come upon me in the dark and start touching me, with time, I grew accustomed to it, I often wasnt in the mood but hed used a massager on me to stimulate me, his finger or tongue until I relented, I mean hed wear me down till I got turned on and gave in. We didnt have intercourse, I was a virgin, a christian, I was saving that for marriage and it was sin. And this was all sin too, but I guess I felt I hadnt gone all the way? So I preserved something?

He grabbed at me all the time, I remember grad night at Disneyland, going over night and on every right he was grabbing me in the dark, if I wore a shirt or top that had a low cut neck, he took that as an invite to touch me. He would meet with pastors and youth church workers with me when Id loose it and feel bad and want help, and I think back how ridiculous all those sessions were, I was 16, he was 18, and they never got to the core of it, just thought we were two horny teens who needed to be pure until their wedding night. So trying to give us tools to refrain

I was an emotional mess really underneath it all.

Sex play was riddled with guilt and shame, it was forbidden, but it was also fucked up the way it started and I shouldnt have been with him. But this was where I was and where my intro to sex began and exposure and the backdrop of the church and teachings that I should get married and not be in a place to burn with lust, etc etc

So yeah we eventually got married (see me first few entries with more backstory)

So I know today, that parts of that shaped me sexually, good or bad, like it or not.

Ive put aside some parts that I didnt like, Ive reclaimed many and made them my own (being the sexual initiator with my second husband) instead of being pursued and worn down on a daily basis practically in my first marriage. I didnt have a drive, it was obligatory once we got married, my ex and I. I was performing my duty but once it was not forbidden? I was not into it, didnt get turned on, didnt enjoy it, it hurt, Id lay there resentful and just wishing for him to be done, and I felt that way for many yrs after we married.

I have enjoyed my sex life with my now husband, I truly love this man, hes been there for me through so much and we have learned so much together, yeah we both have our fucked up stuff, but in the end we work well together. Believe it or not. But he can also hurt me greatly at the same time, because I do love him, he can break my heart. My ex hurt me, but at a point I wanted away from him and out, the love wasnt there, it was naive, immature, needy and based on beliefs I thought I had to follow to be GOOD with God.

I had a love hate with sex toys, porn, not that they were used much in my first marriage, same with blow jobs, oral sex, so many things had all these weird feelings with them because of all the things done to me so young when I wasnt ready or asked my permission or talked to. I was DONE too.

My ex was relentless, like hed spend 45 min when I was sleeping just trying to reach his hand under my body, Id lay there arms clenched to my sides, feet tight together, and hoping hed give up, but nope! Plus reading books once married like "Me? Obey Him?" on the wife obeying her husband, etc, didnt help, I didnt have a voice really even to say No because I felt shame for refusal also, ugh, what a mind fuck!

SO yeah....

I know we are moving into new territory here, we are at mid life, near retirement, no kids in the home, lost our parents, grandparents, both of us and pets all in the span of a short amount of time, which caused lots of pain, trauma for us both and we went through it back to back.

Sex has always been my vice, my drug, the feel good thing I love to turn to in times, nothing more then being in bed together naked and making love and just spooning naked, the room smells of sex and we just linger there, I love being in that place. Sex is very pleasurable to me, thats why I love it. Its a retreat/vacation from the world in my eyes.

I didnt drink, smoke, fool around prior to my first husband, I was goody 2 shoes (Adam Ant) A guy at church who was in gangs and from Compton used to sing that to my face, and he knew, underneath something was up with my ex and I when we were in church group, hed look at me and says "Dont drink dont smoke, what do you do????"

I didnt taste alcohol until I was 25 for the first time when I left home one night after a fight, and I just had a sip, wasnt into it.

I like to be controlled in my behavior out in the world, I dont like a feeling of being out of control, but in the bedroom? I can let go.

I got sick once from drinking, at a club in Hollywood, I always thought it was because I didnt eat anything or something, Im a light weight, but Im usually a one drink girl, sip it slow and get a nice buzz and thats it, Im not into getting wasted, drunk. But that night, my friend, the owner, I was there to see my fave singer, had the bartender get me and my gf drinks. I got so sick, I was in the bathroom at the club vomiting, in the trash can, in the toilet, I got outside, my gf took me and said "You need food". She took me to a pizza joint and I got in the restroom and ended up on the cold floor, puking and not wanting to leave that bathroom, she had to drag me out. By that point I had eaten some pizza and we walked back over to the club. We talked to my friend, and we hung out in his office, my gf didnt leave me, I was literally laying on the floor under his desk chair and eating saltines, I missed the whole performance because of this. And my gf teased me for yrs over that night I got wasted. I wasnt a big drinker, that wasnt my usual, and now I believe, after reuniting with that old club friend and seeing what hes been up too, I think he had the bartender make my drink strong or there was something in it. And if my gf had left me alone with him in that office? It would have been different, he was all fucking girls, we talked about it, but he and I talked about church, God, our kids, our exes, I didnt think hed do that, but now I believe he may have. He got me in for free all the time. I just gave my name and it was on the list anytime I wanted to come he said. I found him attractive, thought we might turn into something during my dating phase, he kissed me and we lightly fooled around, but I didnt continue, he was on meds and shaking, he was cool and all, but he was also too much work, too out of my comfort zone, clubs, smoking, musician, lots of sex, living in homes with a bunch of users in crazy neighborhoods. So we mostly just talked online, and even saw one another a few times over the yrs, I remember the last time I saw him he came by my house on a trip to the mountains and looked so dishelved, dirty, his pants hanging down, crumbs all over him and he asked if he could sleep. He literally asked to take a nap once he arrived and I had him in my bed and went about my daily tasks at home, he passed out and that was it, I woke him when it was time to go get my kids from school, he had to leave, and that was that, he left! his vehicle was a mess, stuff falling out when he opened the doors.

I never thought he tried to drug me with a drink, I didnt think that until recently, as of this yr after a convo with him catching up after a long period of not talking. I can feel manipulation oozing out of him that I didnt notice before.

I was thinking about the guys I have truly loved? LIke genuine in my life, and Id say its my husband and the military dude, anyone else Ive had a crush on, briefly dated, my ex, they werent love, they werent something special really, just these 2 guys. And military dude and I have remained friends, havent seen one another in over 15 yrs, but email or phone call now and then, both of us married, kids, across the US. But hes a good guy and one of the few people Im real and open with because hes the same with me. Hes the one I gave the blow job too that night, when I never did that to guys, I mean I didnt do that, and as I said, still wonder what possessed me? I had just separated with my ex, and he was in town for 24 hrs before next military place he had to go and we met up at Dennys in the middle of the night and talked for hours then parked somewhere, kissed, and I gave him a blow job. We were on a hill, we stood outside his car in the dark, and I had my arms around him from the back as we just stood there together and he said "You dont want to get messed up with me" and I said "I already am" and we drove back down the hill and I knew, he would be gone and I cried to myself softly, just tears fell, we had been friends for yrs online and talked that way and phone, but that night we met in person and we clicked. But I knew his lifestyle he was never in one place and not available. We wrote letters, he had asked me for a pair of my underwear after that actually and I was put off by it, grossed out, I had just split with my perv ex so it was from that and I just thought "Great, he just wants kinky stuff from me" and I remember him writing me and telling me that the moment between us is a place he would go when he was in hard times through the years and think of us, and how he just wanted my underwear as thing to remember me, some inspiration, but I took it as dirty and that he didnt deserve it, he wasnt my boyfriend and I couldnt count on him. And that was that, the underwear or sexual things were never talked about again and we just went into friend zone and catching up on one anothers lives, always asking who we were dating, etc and sharing about our relationships, then I got this Farewell type letter, where he told me what a special woman I am and that I have this understated sexuality to me that is so special. And wishing me a great life, I was so pissed, he just literally dropped me as a friend, I tried calling him asking what the letter was about and he hung up on me. And we didnt speak for yrs, I would google his name and found a birth announcement, and realized around that time he got a girl pregnant, and that is why the goodbye, he didnt handle things well, he just went on to station to station for work he couldnt talk about and married the girl. So yeah, we lost touch for several yrs, till I reached out many yrs later and he responded, still had his phone number and email. And we resumed our friendship. And we are still friends today. I have wondered if he had appeared during one of my breakups or times of separation, what would have happened, he and his wife split for 3 yrs, while my husband and I got better, now I just found out hes back with his wife and in church and got baptized. But he called me a few yrs ago and had this big apology for lies and the way he led his life and told me about therapy, about abuse and his childhood and the history of his life, he didnt owe me an apology, but he felt he did, and he said "You know more about me then my wife" and felt the need to tell me as he said Im the longest friend hes had in his life.

So yeah, those are my Loves.

My childhood friend? Ive known since I was a baby, I love him to pieces, but more like a brother. Even when I had a brief thought at certain points in our lives that hmmm, why didnt we ever attempt to get together? Im glad we didnt. I think it would have ruined what we have. But his wife did not like me, he said "I talk about you too much and she says we have far too many memories together" and I wonder "What on earth has he said to her about me?" I mean we have never kissed, hugged once in high school when I took him to a concert I won tickets for. People used to say we should date, go to Prom together and we both just went EWWW. I saw him after his split and during my time when it was rocky with husband and I got my own place wondering if we were going to separate. I remember him saying on the phone once "I should just become mormon and marry you also" haha, when I was going through a rough time. But thats the only statement hes slightly made. We adore one another, we are close, we are like family and both lost our parents in similar fashion and all we went through and we knew one anothers parents in and out, we went to school together from K-12th grade. We grew up about 5 houses down from one another. So yeah, we went through life side by side as friends and always stayed there. When I saw him not long ago, I wondered what it would be like, and what was funny, he threw his arms open and hugged me and yelled my name, came to the beach with me, we went to dinner, we looked at the stars at night, we sat in the living room telling stories, made each other meals and I slept in the guest room, I used to go to his work with him and sit in the studio and now hes doing that at home, in my 20s Id go there and tap on the door and hed let me in and Id just sit with him and talk between work sets. You know what it was that told me "NOPE" aint gonna be more then friends? His smell! He has a smell to him, so I highly believe in this pheremones thing. We were in the car together and I literally wanted to put the window down so I didnt smell it, and I wondered how on the earth the girl hes currently dating is with him with that smell. Hes a great guy, but the smell! But maybe its just his scent, and its not my Match! I felt the same way about my ex first husband, he had an odor, smell to him I did not like.

My current husband? Omgosh love his scent, I was drawn to it from the get go, always have been, ohmygosh, when he works out, Id keep his shirts and hed give me fresh ones when we dated, they werent stinky sweaty, they just smelled of him, mmmm

So I know there is something to that, funny how that is eh?

Well Ive been all over the board this am, but had a long night, little sleep and kinda in my head today and just wanted to unload here. Husband has walked through the room twice as Im typing this, kissed and hugged me, waived at me (ugh go away! ha) and hes back in his office, Im sure we will be just fine, but Im not doting all over him like I have been, I warned him already after the last thing that happened, your not nice to me, your on your own. Wellllll...... I mean Im here to help when needed, but hes lost the super soft side of me that was pampering him, I had no problem doing and loved it, but treat me well just as I treat you, now the boundaries are up, dude, get back in step here, and I know I have to cut some slack with the meds and surgery but I also dont have to be a doormat.

Cant wait till the vicodin is out of his system and see how he is.