Evolving marriage
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2022-05-31 16:42:31 (UTC)

Fantasies and Women

Dear Diary,
We had a nice evening, made dinner and paleo brownies, mmmm

We laid in bed and I read some more of the Nancy Friday Secret Garden book, so intrigued by the womens fantasies and themes, makes me wanna dive into the psychology of it all.

He went back to work today, we had to get him an ottoman to prop his leg up on just a bit ago as he got to stiff in the seated position. Too bad he doesnt have a work laptop like before so he could sit in the adjustable bed.

I did my workout this morning again, stretches, weights, rebounder, wave plate. Went outside and did some watering and light cleanup

Another beautiful day, a little on the cooler side actually

I am working on my to do lists and shopping lists, made an Amazon order of shower cartridges for our rental as the one has broken twice since we have had it and getting a plumber here is a nightmare, husband figured out how to change it himself thankfully just before surgery so I keep them on hand in case another guest busts the thing being too rough or forcing it, I figure people have forced the handle or they are in their having sex or something weird and bang into it? Who knows but have had to change it twice already in a little over 2 yrs, and its just a sucky model from the reviews. For now we can just keep some on hand and can change it if needed, cheaper then a plumber call. And you cant buy them in store, has to be ordered, so first time I had to wait 2 wks for it to arrive.

We had a good day together yesterday after everything that went down, last night we were discussing it again and he said "I feel really bad, Im so sorry" and it made him get emotional, like wanting to cry, he said he felt so bad that he treated me like that, he had no idea what was happening and just got frustrated and angry not sure how to help.

Helped him out getting to the shower and dressed as he cant reach down to pull things over his feet as of yet, Im guessing maybe another wk or 2, he will start physical therapy, etc.

I told him he better be nice to me or hes on his own, that I literally was gonna back off on helping if he didnt make things right the other day, he needs my help right now, he cant drive, cant put on pants, cant carry things well with crutches, etc. So yeah, be nice to the wife! :)

We ended up laying in bed during the afternoon and were reading the book and some of the fantasies just do it for him written by the women, and so we played with one another, touching, toys, blow job and both of us had an orgasm. He had said later he had charted our sex life with all the changes, we are averaging sex daily, we may miss a day, but then do it 3 times on another. So we laugh, at how its been, in a good way. I told him Im impressed with him after surgery, I didnt expect anything to happen for awhile, but we were back at it the day after! If you knew him before, he didnt want to have sex for so many reasons, any discomfort, too full from dinner, too tired, his leg hurt, etc. I dont hear those excuses anymore and havent since last yr. But they used to be the norm. I used to even be nervous to touch him randomly in bed under the covers for fear hed say STOP or be harsh. I love to touch, caress, massage, you name it, my love language is Physical touch. So if Im near him, I have my hand on him, his arm, his thigh, around his back, touching his chest, his ears, his neck, scratching the back of his head, massaging his forearm, but now I can run it over his shorts and just touch, rub, feel, massage, and he doesnt stop me anymore. And its not all to have sex, its just touch.

I got this lingerie set on Amazon, and the first try was too large, returned that one for the next side down and I love it, he loves it too! You can find some good stuff on amazon and its much cheaper then in stores, sex shops, victorias secret, fredericks, etc

And if it doesnt fit, easy to return and get a new size. The bra is just awesome, sexy, fits well, and he commented last night on how flattering it is on me. So I ordered another color, Ill get more later, but for now I have the Dark Green and the Red. They come with underwear and a garter belt too with thigh bands. Really sexy and comfortable too!

I told him how good it feels these days, to feel desired, that a woman wants that feeling and it was the missing piece, I knew he loved me and liked to have sex with me, but he didnt say much, I didnt feel sexual, sexy, wanted, lusted after and I think its important to feel that from your partner. Its like the piece that was missing, that caused me to day dream of some other guy holding me and desiring me in my fantasy thoughts. Because it had been dead for so long I didnt know if things would ever change.

Reading the book on womens fantasies, so many of the "Rape" scenarios, and we talked about this, I said I dont have a rape, like an actual rapist as a fantasy, that my theme is more of being TAKEN is how it feels. Not from someone who wants to brutalize and hurt me if you will. But more of that raw type of, I want to fuck you and bend you over and pound hard. Yes soft love making is also awesome and sensual in bed, I need that too, but every now and then you want it raw, dirty, lustful, crazy, you know? And the stories of many of the women their husbands did little to please them, some so sad, the pump and dump kinda guys, and mind you this was the 60s. One guy just came on his wifes face while jerking off, no sex, just that, how sad, she would have to go to bed after that and take care of herself. Another the guy jerked off, then climbed on top, maybe last 3 min and then rolled back off and to sleep. Ugh, no wonder their fantasies were so colorful. Really really sad.

So of course these women fantasized about men taking them passionatly, and roughly, getting to feel something raw and sexy, they didnt have porn and all the sex toys, etc like now. They had their minds and vegetables. And so they got creative! Especially in their thoughts/fantasies.

I dont fantasize about other men in bed with my husband, but its a common thing it says and even for happily married women also to do it also. I honestly havent with any of my partners thought of another man, but I can see how that could happen if you were unhappy and unsatisfied that you would go there. I told my husband that because I was with my first partner at 16, and have engaged in regular sexual activity ever since, It didnt leave a lot of time for me to create fantasy as my first husband was so sexual and kinky and always doing, trying, touching me, on a regular basis, I didnt have time for my mind to create more, I actually had too much and wanted him to back off all the time. So my fantasies were more of being loved, taken care of, romantic, at that time.

I did realize though as we both were discussing our own fantasies, I did have one! I said "Remember last yr I told you how Id love to be woken up to sex? You can try it anytime?" of course it never happened, but that was me expressing my fantasy, and I didnt dare try and wake him up that way, hes not like that and would get mad. Still havent done that, maybe need to talk about that later, still nervous about that one to try on him. But my fantasy, not sure how Id like it in reality is to be woken up.

Ha, he just walked through the room and I asked him, he said "Probably? Dont know, its a case by case basis, if I had a stressful day, good night sleep, etc... but I dont know...." I laughed and said "No" ha I dont want to find out what mood I will get.

For me? I like the idea of just starting to have sex with me if Im asleep or putting his cock to my mouth, I think if I woke up I wont be mad or startled by that, I think Id be turned on, just knowing I am, heck he just rubs me or kisses me in the am before work some days when Im all groggy and Im turned on. Otherwise the things I do want I express to him, the restraints and play we have been doing, the hair pulling, spanking, he did comment to me about oral sex the other day and he said "Do you wish I performed more oral on you?" and I said "YES. I still dont think its one of your things" but he told me it isnt correct, we have talked about it, he even said he is seeing how lopsided it is with me pleasuring him orally. He has done it, but it not enough not long enough, he doesnt have the stamina? He gets tired his wrists, his mouth, his tongue with some play and I think that is just stamina, building up, using those muscles, etc. I have lots of practice :) Now anyways, and Im very motivated, fixated, determined and push myself not too stop unless I just simply cant, which is super rare. A lot of men love to go down on women. I know, my ex was that way and one of the guys I dated briefly, I even cried when he did it because it has been awhile since I had it done and it felt soo good it made me cry that he devoted so much time into it. But for me its not a deal breaker and its also something that can improve, but its hard to try and explain things like that to your spouse, basically, I wish when he performed oral sex or used his fingers, hands that he could last and go longer without stopping, because once its getting good for me is when he has to tap out. I then take over and finish myself with a toy, and have him touch my nipples, which I love by the way, its one of my biggest turn on sensations, nipple play, LOTS of it!

But these are all part of the learning process, I didnt really know much about how to do a blow job, until this past yr and digging into it and research, reading articles, videos, etc and then practicing :) I didnt have good BJ game most of my life, didnt even want to really, but I have said I think that mostly stemmed from my first marriage and sexual partner being the way he was, I didnt love cock, penis, touching it, blow jobs, I associated it with too much negative in my life and it took time to get over that even after our divorce, and as noted how he came in my mouth that time just before I called it quits, I literally was trying to give him that pleasure and trying to work up to learning and just asked that he not cum in my mouth, so you know? When things are touchy, on the verge of divorce and abuse has been going on, and then your partner violates your request and doesnt warn or tell you there going to cum, pull out, give you a heads up, etc,,, well, it was a bit traumatic, he came, A LOT, always did and it smelled and tasted bad. So it made me sick... so yeah, not a good situation and part of what screwed me up.

I had to reclaim it, make it my own and that I did, but not until just recently.

Well I need to go figure out what Im going to start working on next on my list. Later