GoodGirl

Not Okay

Dear Diary,
After an emotionally intense past few days of being together, vulnerable, deep talks, holding each other, sharing kinky things together, him bringing me to the edge over and over in an intense way physically and then it not ending twice in a row, it came to a head last night, and things didnt heat up as quickly, but that was okay in my mind, I try not to be hard or have too high of expectations at times and understand things dont always flow, but it just went badly.

He abruptly stopped after lots of spanking and nipple play, and holding my head and moving me from his cock in ways hes never done before holding my face... then he STOPPED, his body went cold, he laid there and just quit, and got all in his head and mad that he lost an erection. I told him no big deal (we werent even having intercourse) he just abruptly shut down, I felt left hanging, I got up, I wiped him off, I said Id be right back and went to the bathroom, when I returned he said "A rain check for the morning?" and I just laid there. I was so wound up, like having been teased and edged 3 times heavily during the day with no orgasm, and then this abrupt shutting off and him mad about his erection and ending things, saying that "He dropped the ball" and Im all ???? I dont care, I said what does he expect of himself? To stay hard all day long? That hes doing great and its been fine, that he had me so wound up and turned on and we didnt have to have intercourse to finish? Im fine with that, but he is telling me "Your a woman, Im a man, that is part of being the man" and I told him bullshit, if it means you mentally stop and beat yourself up over it, this isnt about performance, its about pleasure"

Anyways, I was puzzled why he just stops, this is what he used to do, years ago, when things really sucked between us and we werent having sex. I told him performance and erections were never my issue with him or in the bedroom, it was him shutting down, in the middle of sex, and just going cold, stopping what we were doing and just laying there stiff and me being confused and just left, abandoned when Im feeling close and intimate, he goes in his head and starts this negative dialogue of being a failure and he doesnt come out, and Im left confused and sad.

We even bought toys because of this, so he knew there was an aleternative to get me off and that I was fine with it, so I said "Babe you just had me so wound up and turned on and dont even offer to finish?" and he got mad that I didnt name how to finish me off and with what toy and that I might not want a toy, and that Im so particular, and on and on, all negative talk. Im wondering "WHo is this man? Where is the guy Ive been with the past several days telling me how wonderful and sexy I am, and that hes sorry for how hes treated me in the past and that I dont deserve that" I mean he literally has been saying this, its like it all was voided out and none of it mattered, I was crying, he got cold, defensive, loud, cussing, unkind, I was sobbing, begging him to stop, asking for the nice guy Ive had the past 3 days and where did he go?

He yelled FUck you and me, walked out of the room, after I told him about Aftercare which we have read about, I have read to him, he got a blanked and threw a granola bar at me on the floor. I was sobbing terribly after the fuck you, and yelled it back. I covered my ears as he went on some logic based tirade, meanwhile IM a puddle of emotions curled up in a ball on our bedroom floor sobbing and just begging him "Please be kind to me, please!" and him yelling, frustrated saying "I dont know what to do, I just fuck things up, I cant do anything right" once again his old speel, the one he goes into and spins in, that comes from his upbringing and when he goes there, it SUCKS. He just talks down about himself and calls himself a failure but hes very sarcastic and down talking and not soft, his words are harsh, his tone, his body language.

We even did couples questions a few days ago and areas that could improve and he said "I could be much kinder to you" and we spoke about that

I give my damn all in this relationship. I have been nurturing this man, loving him, feeding him, getting ice packs, making him food and bringing it to the couch, bathing him by hand cause he cant get in the shower right now, Ive been there to handle what all the drs say to do, making him the follow up hyperbaric appt, walking him into the bathroom on his crutches, making sure to be careful not to bang his leg against things, on and on.

I dealt with the fence company Ive been fighting with to come finish a 2 job they started almost a yr ago. I asked husband to help me as they were blowing me off, the company, not finishing the job, and I was wondering if we were going to have to take legal action. I told him it was his turn to call the company, its a bunch of guys IM dealing with, blowing me off, not returning calls, emails, etc, literally ignoring me, and husband said he would, HE NEVER DID, even though twice he said he would. I finally got ahold of the guy and he tried putting it off on another guy who I refuse to call anymore as hes lied to me 3 separate times. So the guy said hed come out, (yesterday) and get the job finished, and he did, but I did all the work, I managed it all by myself, I deal with it, I had to go out and be a supervisor, which is sad, as they tried passing the job off in the beginning done horribly wrong and I called it out, and they had to reorder more materials and redo sections, I literally could shake the fence panels and the tops fell over, in front of the guys face, I said "This is how you do this, this is supposed to be like this?" on and on....

The job was finished yesterday, I supervised, I got out there with them even assitsting as they forgot some tools, materials and I provided them, I just wanted this job done already and to be done with these people.

So I dealt with that all day and in between that sat on the couch with husband as he began to touch me and turn me on heavily and was looking at this sex thing set up, like a literaly thing you are chained to, and about ordering it, and I was so turned on by it,

Yet now, I feel awful, I feel like forget it! I feel unsafe, I was a sobbing mess, shaking, I had flashbacks of my ex who used to yell at me and rage for hours, and then when I was on the floor in the fetal position in tears with a migraine begging for him to stop, he would then come down on the floor and hold me and rub my head, and become my caregiver??? It was a mind fuck, confusing,,, as he would drive me to that state and Id go to the laundry room floor and beg him to stop covering my ears so I didnt hear his cruel words(First marriage I left because of abuse/control)

My husband now, was my safe place, we have talked for days about my need for safety

And last night, I felt unsafe, I felt scared, I felt confused, shocked. I felt like I was drop kicked emotionally and left alone, he even said I was being histrionic while I was on the floor crying.

IM a strong person, I hold my shit together, I have managed so much in life, everyone knows me as being strong, to the point where Im not allowed to fall apart, as people seem to have no clue what to do with me, Im not allowed. Im not allowed to be held and given comfort and someone to tell me "I got your back, I got you" and just hold me and help me get back on my feet.

But Im the person who is unconditional, IM there, I give it my 100%, I nurture, and of course a person wants that in return, but you cant command it, so you realize, its just you in that moment, and nobody is there to pick you up, its just you, You and God

And then I start to have black and white thinking of "IM not doing this anymore, Im not being this vulnerable, Im not exposing this rawness of myself, to be stomped on"

And so here I am, I went to the couch as he just went to take his pain meds and go to sleep after apologizing (didnt feel genuine to be honest, felt like a pacifying apology) between his sighs and eyerolls when I spoke

So yeah, I went to the couch, he knows me, I will spin, I wont sleep well, and theres nothing I can do about that, I just have to go and sit, I often journal when I feel this way and just finally pass out and am usually better in the am.

I woke up about 4:30 am and I was hot, I used the bathroom and got some water and just laid in the dark thinking about last night and cried and so I got my diary out.

I just want to shut down to him, I dont want to care for him, Ill do the bare minimum I say, that he doesnt deserve all I have been doing and giving as I cant count on him emotionally to be there for me. I was on the floor in the fetal position shaking and crying and telling him to go read up on Aftercare and subspace... I mean Im losing it yet still guiding him

Anyways

Yeah

Part of me thinks,, Im over reacting, Ill feel better late and this entry Ill just feel stupid about and take it back

The other part thinks, this is it, stop this stuff your doing with him, this submission stuff, we arent hardcore bdsm but we have enough and hes been great, confident and turning me on and handling it so well then all the sudden he just went left and got cold and mean out of left field and as I said, I just say WHY? and am hurt and confused

I told him "You were doing great last night, you were winning, I dont get this, you had me so turned on and it wasnt via intercourse, you could have gotten me off easily by other means? Why are you fixated on your erection when you had one for the whole first part of things and through all the earlier sessions, what do you expect from your body? It was doing fine, so what if it stops at a certain point, it can only do so much, it happens to everyone?" and he said "I dont want to be like every other guy"

And I just put my head in my hands, Im at a loss, I dont know what else to say, when your partner loves you, and isnt mad about it nor have I ever complained to him about this, he is the one complaining about himself, hes fixated heavily on performance, when Im like "Umm Hello? Are you seeing whats happening here? How much sex we are having and how much talking we are doing and how close we are?" and then in an instant hes judging himself as some performance failure, self imposed judgement, where I didnt even have a complaint? Where I worship this mans cock literally and tell him how much I love it, and then in an instant hes just saying all this and iM over here literally confused

Is this body dysmorphia of some type? I really dont know

He told me the night we met and had sex, where things started with us, he brought his "A game" and that he wants to bring that all the time (we were young and in our 20s and that was about 20 yrs ago!) I dont even have that same level of ability to orgasm as easily now as I did then, so what? THings change, we age, etc, I dont see anyone as a failure, I just see change, I see us learning new ways when things dont go as planned, to do something else, Im game, fingers, mouths, toys, its all good.

Sigh

And I just want to throw in the towel, throw out the testosterone cream, diminish this heavy sex drive I have, stop all this kink play that I love, because I cant do it if I dont feel safe with my partner. I want to just shut down and retreat and make him be alone with himself again, we go through these periods together, where he really does take me for granted and doesnt listen to my hurts, I broke up with him when we dated as a result of this, I got a studio apt several yrs back by the ocean anticipating a separation because I just couldnt do this anymore and got into 12 step groups and started to take care of and rebuild ME. ANd each time I put that distance and boundary up, he shows up THEN, he gets it finally, he starts making effort and apologizing and making change, Ive said "Why do I have to break up with you for you to get it?"

I read books, I take his mind into considerations, but when does he try to understand ME, I am curious, I dig, I read, I send videos on how to help things, he tells me what a good team player I am, what a good partner I am, how did he get so lucky to get me, then in one evening hes telling me the opposite and cursing at me? I asked him "What is going on? Where did you go in your head, what happened, why did this go left Im confused?" I ask questions, I try to help, but he tells me "Im giving him a ration of shit" and I tell him "No Im challenging you, Im pushing you to be better, to do better, not revert back to old unhealthy patterns"

I play therapist when Im in pain for HIM

I told him this is not okay, that this cant keep happening, I told him he needs to seek therapy and that I cant compete with whats in his head and what hes telling himself.

I have always sought therapy, hes had it a few times, and has said its been helpful, but hes alone, its been too long,

He told me he will talk to me in the am, and I get it, and hes on vicodin from the surgery, which Im not thrilled about and wonder how much of that is having an impact, I just want him to start weaning off it already, and I am nervous. He can swap to the ibuprofen and even the dr said that.

I just feel a little lost right now, felt so honeymoonish around here and blam, splat, its over.

And knowing him, he should be nice and kind this am, but we shall see

Im not okay and want to retreat into myself and stop all the special care, that you only get that from me when you take good care of me, know I wont mistreat him or leave him hanging, but he wont get my best either... does that make sense? THen I feel Im the one sounding conditional with my love right now... but dont we teach people how to treat us, and if they harm us, do we reward them or do we set a boundary, are things off kilter, have I been just doing way too much hoping to gain the same in return?

Sigh,,,,

Sighhhhhhhhhhh

sun is coming up, its 6am right now, birds are chirping outside the window, I just want to go back to yesterday before that happened and when we sat on the couch together for long periods of time are arms hooked together and me leaning on his shoulder and telling him "Im just part of your therapy for healing, giving you lots of love" and him telling me how much he likes it and the way I touch and the feel of my skin

the softness he gave me then,,, I want that, why does it flip a switch and he throws a match and burns everything?

He did this years ago, one of our worst fights, in our car outside our home and telling he wished our house would burn to the ground and then he would piss on it as it was burning. I slapped his face that day, I reacted, Ive never done that, and he sat there stunned, our house was the one thing I loved, he helped us get, and was the one bright spot during those rough yrs of losing all our loved ones year after yr to death, and our sex life was in the toilet and I felt so alone. And he attached the one thing I loved and was good, and said that. I apologized, I still feel terrible that I did that. He has told me on some occassions that he really was terrible with what he said that night, that he really just tried to destroy things and I dont deserve that.

We are opposites in so many ways

He grew up neglected, no father, molested, high functioning aspie undiagnosed, he was a loner, geek, he didnt think hed live past 20 and did a letter to himself, a high school assignment where the teacher kept the letters and mailed them to them yrs later (Yes he wrote that he wouldnt be alive) he got into drugs, some heavy stuff, beat by police in a drug house, overdosed in his bedroom and his mom didnt notice for 3 days... punk rock, mohawk, angry at the world, this was his youth

I was in a culdesac, played all day with neighborhood kids, loved my childhood, my dad was an alcoholic, and my home had unwritten rules, things you just didnt do as you didnt want to upset the parents, so you were just too afraid to misbehave. You didnt want to rock the boat, so you had to be a good girl, make everyone like you, do everything the best you could as not too upset Dad. And Mom was an abused woman herself, by my father and not emotionally the most available. My siblings all said, out of all of us, you were the one who went and got their affection. Yes, my parents werent affectionate and didnt say I love you, but as a child, I crawled up on their chair, on the couch. I snuggled, and nobody denied me when I came for that closeness, but I sought it, it didnt come to me, but my siblings all dont relate, i was held and hugged because I went and got it. Later my Dad did hug me, pick me up and swing me from side to side, but as a child, I went into that room he sat in the garage isolated, watching 1 Adam 12, in a wife beater, ac and the smell of beer on his breath and me snuggled on his lap, knocking on the door to his room of isolating, he let me and let me snuggle, and then Id leave and be on my way.

Mom didnt say I love you to me until I had kids and they said it to me and gma, and one day when they were little and just said "Grandma I love you" she said it back and things changed, My mom was strong, stoic, but helped people, hospital volunteer and willing to pick up the phone and talk anytime I called

I ended up in church in high school with a gf who invited me and got saved, gave my life to Jesus, and that became my home, my place that taught me about rules in life and gave me some structure and a family, and lots of hugs!

But in time, that also became the next phase of my life, where my abusive ex came along during my teen yrs, when I was naive, vulnerable and just wanting to be loved, and morphed into this image of what he found out I wanted, but he was a fraud, a phoney, he took on a persona to "Get me" but exploited, manipulated, abused me.... as a 16 yr old girl

And that became my first partner sexually and my first husband, who I was linked to at age 16 and from then on

Im not that same girl now, but I remember her, but shes worlds away

Now Im breaking away from many of the church abuses and thoughts that set me up for that relationship and that he used to guilt and shame me....

And I love my husband now, second husband, but when he falls down the rabbit hole of his crap.... Im left here saying "Why?" and then say "Its time for you to pull back, your too kind, too available, you give too much"

I seriously aspire to be a good fucking wife dammit, always have

is that so wrong?