no name
2022-05-28 19:49:02 (UTC)

Am I a psychopath?

Those UA mfs literally invaded the island bruh.
Why does Bakugo remind me of Rage in a way. But his animalistic rage towards Izuku is completely unique.
It's funny sometimes.
He still suicide baited.
But most of the people I even watch have probably done messed up stuff too. Nobody's perfect. Doesn't mean they shouldn't do better.
He never apologized to Izuku though. That would be growth. Only thing he's done up till now is vent to him about his problems, threaten, and fight him.

So, I don't necessarily miss people.
When family is away, I don't necessarily miss them or think of them that much. Sometimes I think, yeah I kinda want to go bother this person, then realize they're not there, but there's no feeling of longing that comes after that or anything.
My ex 'best friend' is someone that I felt I couldn't be friends with because I couldn't be myself. I know that was just me holding myself back but it still felt trapping to be in that friendship where it seemed that she didn't see me the way I saw myself. Plus, we were basically only online friends at that point. I probably ruined something, but I've felt more free than I ever did in that friendship towards the last few months. I definitely feel bad for the way I broke it off, but I believe it was worth it. What makes me waver though is the fact that I didn't really feel guilty for long. And the way that I don't miss her.
Looking back though, I may have simply liked the idea of having a best friend more than the actual friend. And I think I tend to do this with relationships a lot, and it puts me and the other person in a box. So when she, herself, began to actually get on my nerves or I couldn't handle her, I filed it away and just stayed because I didn't want to lose my only friend. But in reality, I didn't want to be friends. Which would lead to me being a bad friend because I constantly wanted distance (kind of ghosting but the amount of texts she sent a day? we were not compatible at all).
And the same might go for me and my brother. I have bursts of motivation to go do activities with him (mostly on weekends because school drains me for entire days) and we have fun for a while, but then I just can't tolerate him anymore and I go back to my room and we don't do crap for weeks. It's a terrible habit. Trying to break it with this story making we're doing.

I don't miss her. In fact, I kind of actively avoid remembering her. Some emojis remind me of her so I literally stopped using them. Do I hate her or something? I can't tell.
I blocked her basically. On everything. I know that's like the worst way to leave a relationship with anyone ever but I just didn't care. Still don't care enough. I didn't--don't want to talk to her. I was probably not a friend although she considered me one, and I, her. (is that how you say it lol)
Blocked and deleted all the contacts that I knew through her. Like sorry, but I'm gone, for both our sake's.
We were friends for 3 years. [It's only a lot for me because that's 3/15 of my life rn.]
I blocked her.
I don't miss her.
And I don't feel that guilty, I think.
I'd say I'm sorry but that would be a lie, to some degree.

Anyway, back on topic. I don't miss people, not really. I love the people I love dearly, truthfully. I don't say it that much, unless my sister forces me to by almost attacking me when she comes to say goodnight. But I don't miss them. Or at least, I can't tell that I miss them. I don't miss old friends that I remember fondly. I don't miss cousins I used to be closer to. I feel indifferent towards the topic of not being with them anymore, though I am fond of those people themselves.

It kind of reminds me of how I'm not sure if I want to actually be in contact with the people around me or if it's just curiosity for learning about them. Like, maybe I just want to observe people, but not actively engage in being with them. I'm not sure. I can't comfortably do that right now because I'm too scared to look in people's directions (I don't know why). It's all experiences I don't have and should be trying to get past while I'm young but I'm scared. Why am I scared? Life's too boring to be scared, I know this but I feel like I'm physically unable to embody it.

I need someone to literally push me into it. But the part of me that wants to do it all is unable to manifest into another person and do that, unfortunately.

Actually, no. I do know why. It's consideration. I consider other people a lot. I consider what they might be seeing when they look at me and I consider how they feel and I sympathize with an emotion that they don't even have, haven't even experienced yet (because it's all hypothetical, it's literally all in my head, a prediction, pessimism, and unimportant), so I don't do what might cause people to look and feel. But consideration is something that you should use in more moderation than I am, lest you become inactive.
Give up consideration and become unfiltered, is the best and worst advice I'll ever give myself and probably the only thing that would help. Doesn't really matter if you get in trouble as long as things calm down in the membrane i mean mind.

sh get wicked [insert devil smiling emoji]


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