Tati

I'd apologize

But it would just be another pointless thought on top of the rest.

I might as well spend the entire night writing. Things that will not manifest physically. Which makes it feel meaningless.
But even if it were put in my journal. Who would care to read it?
Nobody cares to talk to me.
I find it pathetic that I draw my worth from the amount of attention the world gives me.
What an inefficient way of living.
But isn't that what children do? Is it so wrong that I'd want attention? To be seen? Am I wrong? Too childish for me already?
Is it my fault that familial attention isn't enough to get me through a school day without falling so low?
I'd say I'm sorry but who would I even be apologizing to?
Yes I'm sorry that I can't keep from feeling like I don't have any presence in the world outside of my home or bedroom.
But is that feeling even wrong?

I think this is silly.
Silly tears.
Silly thoughts.
Silly life.
Silly schooling.
Silly and stupid and I don't feel like it anymore but I don't want to sleep. i don't want to sit and listen to music and cry.
Because I'll end up in the same position again.
why doesnt anything ever change
do my feelings mean nothing?
its so dumb i just wish i werent here to feel all these things that never mattered from the beginning
im foolish and childish and i dont know anything and no one is going to comfort me about it.

would i ever be deserving? im tired im tired im tired and i have things to do and things i shouldve done but im tired andd ive already made the wrong choices
i wish
fudge
i just want to pull out my hair i feel so bad