Tati

compliments

they're so sweet but the metaphorical tooth ache that accompanies it really sours the experience.
it all comes from within.

They always speak of /a voice/ inside your head that tells you negative things about yourself, but I'm the only voice in my head.
The only voice I've ever had to accompany myself is my own. No separate one. I've had comebacks for my own fears and insults before.
a single 'wow I sound terrible and should rip out my vocal cords' may sound out inside my head but it will usually be followed by another 'yeah because your a teenager and you're supposed to sound like a whiny piece of crap get used to it lmfao' and everything is at peace once more.

All me. My doubts. My rationalization. My fear. My hope. My sadness. My joy. Why would any foreign voice take root within me?

When they call me beautiful, it brushes my mind, reminding me of how much I am opposed to the idea. But it is ultimately filed away as another biased opinion of theirs as close family members of mine. When teachers give my work compliments, it strokes my ego, but is also filed away as well because I know it could've been better, in fact, there were many projects much better than mine. It was okay. Good enough. When my writing receives compliments, I lowkey blush lmaoo. Why would you ever like these repetitive entries? I can't stop saying the same things and doing the same things. What's the appeal? Writing on another line does nothing but incorrectly punctuate because these are not poems. Merely brain leakage. Thoughts leaking onto a page. Onto a screen, through these keys.

But it's nice.
And concerning.
I don't want to believe what might be untrue but then you have to kindly remind yourself that all of these are just opinions.
All of the things (the majority) that anyone could think about me would be opinions, not necessarily true. Sometimes I forget, and think, oh no, they're going to tell me a painful truth.
But only I know the truth, they can only express incorrect opinions.

But to have a truth, I have to define myself.
I'm uh dang.
I'm Tati. I'm a teen. I'm emotional in my own way. I used to be told I had a poker face. I cry sometimes. My favorite color is constantly switching between white and grey. My favorite animal? Axolotl's and sheep because I can't choose. I like sweet tea, hot or iced. Pineapples are my favorite fruit. I'm so fudging quiet at school that I might as well not even attend anymore in fact i could just fudging die and no one would care, maybe a teacher or two but honeslty nobody gives a flying duck bro i might as well just leave now-- I have low self esteem and my self confidence is lacking, as it turns out. I've had a period of self-harm that I merely consider discontinued until further notice. I'm Christian and I avoid thinking about the end. I used to think I was tall, took some pride in it, but in my freshman year I've come to the realization that these mfs are tall asf for no reason. I recently cut my braids and am enjoying the short, wild look they now have. I use spotify and soundcloud and hate their ads with a passion, but sometimes it's bearable. My current favorite songs are R4C3 V2 and Loved by FEiN. I don't know what genres I listen to but it all sounds too dissimilar for me to categorize. I always fall back on songs by Roar. I write a lot but I definitely don't talk as much.

I procrastinate a lot, which is why I can't say anything about my work ethic. I can't say I'm hardworking because if anything, I'm an underachiever. I'm probably not a great student, participation-wise because I will always attempt to work alone even if it means shouldering a group assigned project on my own. Even accepting a lower grade if it means avoiding presenting in front of people. That'll probably come back to bite me later. I have problems, sometimes, accepting that my parents love me lol. I take and take and take and barely make it in school in return. I'm literally just waiting for the day they realize I'm a waste of resources and throw me out or completely give up on me. That's sad but I don't see a bright future for myself considering how I am now. But I'm just a naive youth so who am I to predict a future I know nothing of? Better not to expect much.

I second guess myself quite a bit. Doubt myself. Fear potential mistakes. Fear risks. I'm such a scared person. A coward really. It's probably why I feel so bad at times. If only I were fearless and brave. What did I do early on to instill such fear into myself before I even did anything to warrant being scared? I suppose I was too soft.
Listen to Heart for Brains by Roar lol

I don't feel like talking about myself anymore.
well yes i do but describing myself instead of just expressing thoughts is difficult and oftentimes saddening.

my sister said i was developing curves
and my thoughts, as i glimpsed my shadow while i walked back to my room
"its giving...this is not my body" lmao
i dont feel like a curvaceous person. I feel flat and withered. i feel ghostly. like i take up less space than i look like i do.
i dont feel like a quiet or kind person. i feel silent and mute. shaking and tense. awkward and uncomfortable.
i dont feel well spoken or creative. i feel drained of what i once had. rambling, nervous and unsure. all my works are collages. all i have are ideas. i cannot create true pieces. just like my entries.
Droplets of thoughts and rants thrown into a single internet pocket, to be read by few, and never remembered.

Will I be remembered? How can you remember something you can't see, can't hear, don't know? It's okay.
It doesn't feel okay though.
I want to be real, to some.
But fear envelopes me like an invisibility cloak, restricting me until it's hard not to cry at the fact that I've created a prison for myself. One that is both minor, simple, easily solved and too much for me to get out of. Am I inferior? Stupid? Just not enough. Or is this problem actually difficult.
But all is subjective. The experience is subjective, of course.
I say But a lot.
But I can't stop invalidating it.

and then all of a sudden it doesnt matter
because im at home
and they dont judge me here
and i can lose myself in fiction and twitch streamers and games and food and sleep

and then i wake up again
and i get ready to go that place once again.

i arrive
i sit down, quietly and gently so as to not draw attention to myself
and i cant help but notice it and hate it because why do i care, i hate it so much but i cant stop myself from doing all i can to not be a bother, to not be seen.
and i go on as though people care while knowing the dont

is it subconscious? feeling like people actually care about me and what i do.
it hurts because i know it is all inconsequential, my actions and emotions.
i might as well go home if im trying to change my experience for the sake of others who are barely there.
why do i have to
i dont
why am i
i dont know i really dont i wish i knew why i wish i just didnt but i dont know how to stop and i just keep complaining and itnever stops and its such a small issue and its too big of a problem for me and i wish it would all just stop.

Stop.

For my sake.

What do i do? can i do anything about it? or is this just how I'll live? until I die? i'd rather kill myself. do i tell my parents and then hear them give me the same advice they give me everytime i try to pathetically explain all of this to them? do i contact a counselor who will tell me to join a fudging club and 'put yourself out there'? do i tell internet people because wow they can do so much to help me with this real life problem. (is it evne real life, its in my head, its all in my head. none of it is even perceived by anyone else so it might as well not even be happening i might not even be thinkign i might not even be living what is my consciousness if not something to be observed by another?).