Tati

Asian American Stereotypes?

So, I'm watching Rage right and they come across this one part of the video and the topic of Asian/Asian-American (?) stereotypes are brought up. And I'm like, completely lost on this because I don't know any of them. Like I've heard the 'Asians being smart' stereotype (which, its terrible to generalize and place those kinds of cliches/images on any group of people) but that's all. So then I dive deep into
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stereotypes_of_East_and_Southeast_Asians_in_the_United_States#Model_minority
and come across microaggressions, a term I've only a few times and had forgotten the meaning of.

So, of course, I google it. And wow. This shiz is really offensive like wtf? Like some of these examples are actually disgusting. Thinking about one being used against me, imagine someone asking 'Is that your real hair?' unprovoked. Like bro. Bro. That's so ugh. And I don't even know how one would respond.
On one hand, you might immediately want to look for something just as offensive to throw back at them because, duh, that was fudging rude. But on the other hand, you really shouldn't add to the hate, you don't want to stoop that low. Fighting fire with fire just leads to ruin. Plus, you'd feel guilty.

Like omfg. This stuff is horrendous. FOR someone to
look
you dont even hear someone speak a second language
and you just ASSUME THEY DO???
WTF KIND OF SENSE DOES THAT MAKE BRO
Assumptions, stereotypes, and microaggressions, whether intentional or not.
nah but thats real crazy bruh
like thats disgusting, wow

ooo fuawck i just jumped down another rabbit hole and found out abt The Family Game film, def not watching that, plot summary gave me /The Strange Thing about the Johnson's/ vibes and thats a whole other level of unsettling, disturbing, skin crawling, volatile, ugh just kill me, scary type crap bro oh my gosh why.
but yeah, back to the og wikipedia link

its crazy to think that people were actually alive and doing crap before i was born. like. some of the people on this site were probably walking around as young drunkards and aspiring youths. Or maybe they were like studying in high school. insane. how were you alive before i was able to perceive you? do you have a life outside of what i think of you? do you think of me thinking of you having a life as you read this? do you think? Are you like me or am i as weird as i feel? theres no way im unique enough to be weird because there are too many people on this planet to not relate to at least one person. you'll never be truly unique. there will always be other people doing the same things in some of the same ways. that is how it all works. youre not alone in your own characteristics. but not being able to see it in front of your eyes makes a huge difference which is why i--

Anyways. That was a crazy article. Dang.

So today, ok wait
remember that one dude
one of the two people i mentioned were in my english class that caught my attention for no reason besides everything?
so ugh
this is
its just an observation okay?
so i was turning in my work when he did
and he has impeccable handwriting
it almost makes me hate my life
why aren't i that neat? :(
but the what im trying to get at is that i find it --whats the word
not impressive because its not like i had expectations but--maybe
cool.
yeah. pretty cool.
the person with the nice hair didn't do any of the work (we were in the same group for whatever tf my teacher had us doing) and honestly i didnt want to be doing it either but i knew id rather use the time correctly than dawdle and feel bad about it.
so them doing that didn't make me feel some type of way but it def revealed something about em.
none of my business. (and it only puts emphasis on the fact that /he/ did do some of the work and iiiii, why do i feel some kind of way abt that ugh i wan tto die pls hepl)

i dont know how to feel about how im feeling. im always caught inside two barriers/mirrors/idk how to say it, i could illustrate it for sure but i cant word this out properly. on one hand, im looking at the emotions im feeling about everything around me, and on the other hand, im looking at myself feeling these emotions about those things. So it's double judgement. I'm looking at the world, taking it in, feeling something about it, then inspecting myself about what I feel and why. It's honestly too much. And I know that it's only present in this situation because I don't know the social protocol. And no one has offered to teach me, so I feel lost and off course, a little weird. So I'm left to accept it but also fear ever feeling anything for anyone in case my self proclaimed weirdness actually causes me to receive some backlash and feel hurt. I don't know. But I don't want to be intrigued by anyone, because I don't know what to do about it. Sure, that guy has nice hair, and nice handwriting, and I don't know him AT ALL. But that doesn't mean I have any real way of casually /not weirdly and nervously and just --no sit back down--/ making acquaintance. With anyone really.

It's scarier than it should be and I want someone to fudging sit beside me and guide me through the steps of not being scared and knowing how to deal with people but I have no one like that for me in real life and my intrigue and self awareness (definitely not the word for it. What I mean to express is the feeling of always being aware of how other people are perceiving me and constantly giving attention to that feeling and the people around me when I need to focus on myself and my work) aren't going away anytime soon.

I feel like, because I'm always analyzing my own emotions and actions, I can never really live freely. I'm trapped in my own head, forever circulating the same thoughts and feeling the same ways. Nothing is ever truly expressed. I wish I could be I just don't have the method? to do so? I just can't , i don't know how to get it. I don't know how to do a lot of things. And even if I did, I know fear would be too big of a wall for me to attempt crawling over.