Tati

Disconnect

I may sometimes feel that people are too good at things. Better than me. Better at school. Better at singing. Owning a better sounding voice. Better at smiling. Better looking. Better at dancing. Better at writing. Better looking handwriting. Better at living. Better at listening. Better at explaining. But God made me as I am. So I suppose that just means I’m meant to be inferior. So there’s no reason to feel bad about what I am not. Because everything simply is.

If you feel disconnected, your father will yell at you and look at you with disdain and scold you. If you engage and remain in your position, your father will give you a look of disdain. If you walk out of the sanctuary in near tears because your father is disgusted by you, your father will stomp out and drag you to the alter, leaving you in the hands of those who will pray over you who does not know what you need. Perhaps you need someone to take your place because your father doesn’t seem fond of you.

If you find yourself at the alter, alone, and begin to cry at the exposing position you’ve yourself in (standing in front of an entire church, a livestream, the youth, and whoever else saw my dad nearly rip off my mask and leave me there angrily), your mother may come and hold you. And it might be alright again, for a time.

When you leave the service, and your father—I was in the Media Room and he apologized briefly, I don’t think he even meant it—rides in the same car as you, the words you exchange will be curt.

Once you return home, in the following days, your responses will be curt. You won’t want him to touch you, hug you at all. And for some reason, the same will apply to the rest of your family. Is it because of the way he grabbed your arm and dragged a confused and hurt (not physically, unfortunately) you to the front of a full church? Perhaps.

He will act the same as usual, but you won’t reciprocate. You won’t understand.

How could he show all the disdain he held for you and push you away, and then apologize and pretend he didn’t feel that way at all? Was he simply acting the role of a father because it’s what the Bible tells him to? Did he only act with love because the Bible tells him to? Does he love but dislike you? He doesn’t like you. He doesn’t like you at all so why did he apologize. Why pretend? Maybe to get to heaven.

And he’ll act the same but you won’t be able to forget. All those times that he showed what he seems to really feel. Why open your heart to someone who doesn’t even like you? He’d throw you onto the alter again without a moment of hesitation.