Slowly descending into madness
Why I shouldn’t text
I asked: do I bother you he replied Yes.
Then he said: You're supposed to remove/block me on everywhere please do it or else I'll have to do it anyway. Choose.
Then he said: you love torturing pushing provoking manipulating cuz it's all killing eve and gone girl to you
Then he said: I'm just tired of being the bigger person forgiving your repeated triggers and crawling under i just gave up on you.
These are the things he said. He doesn’t want me to text him. It doesn’t matter how much I miss him, I wont text him. If necessary, I'll start cutting myself again, still I wont text him. I just won't text him, he said it himself I'm no good for him. I shouldn’t even be in the same city as him. This can't go on like this but sometimes there's nothing to do.
If I mattered to that dude even a bit, he would have reached out. He's fine without me. Let him move on. Moving on and healing is a process, no one knows that better than me, let's not interrupt that by texting him. Let's not bother people. It's fine. I'll find a way, but I will not text.
That online activity thing isn't even a hint. It’s all in my mind. I'm gaslighting myself into thinking that I fucking matter to him whereas I don’t, and that's cool. I was just a practice session. And um, that's ok. If it makes him happy, so be it. Let's not text him. There's no hint. It's all in my mind. I'm overthinking this one. My gut feelings say that he'll get hurt again if I text him, and if he did miss me a bit, he would have texted himself. It takes literally 2 seconds to send a "hey". I am not important. Let's not exaggerate the importance of my existence in people's lives.