Eel

Write-off

if i remember to type everything i'm thinking, maybe it will help me discover more about myself. at least that's the general theory. but i reread these previous passages and observe myself making the same mistakes and wondering how much change will be required...
yet i also find myself cognizant that i am obsessing over mistakes i make because i perceive them as entirely preventable.

the only way i phase in is if i listen to music. my thoughts always scrambling and honking at each other. sometimes i can't stand it. yesterday muki and i went to his first prom as chaperones. i can't put myself in the present because i get trapped in my own head a lot. i revise as i type and i delete when i don't like what i'm typing. over and over again, letting myself try to show identities and prove something to a journal. when muki said i always try to find the perfect response, that seed of self-doubt has made me question my own veracity. i can't tell if i never knew or no longer knew, if what i wanted was presented to me in a direct way and i have spent so much fucking time on the computer it boggles me sometimes. i look over my 25 years of life and i think about the hours spent of websites, web apps, and especially video games. and it hurts me to know i could be using this time productively but i don't have enough energy to try and change it. if that means i'm depressed, then that really fucking sucks, because i thought that i had been making a lot of small improvements in my life so far. yet i keep thinking about my mistakes, even though i burned a page, and i even beat myself up for not anticipating that i would obviously have future regrets. i want to say i feel like an idiot but i say it more than i should.

i make it very difficult to forgive myself, even when i verbally tell myself to do so. i want to forgive some of my own past actions even if years have passed by, and i would've chosen to discipline myself a little more. i guess i know now that that's most likely what i will have to do. after watching love on the spectrum, i realized how strongly i did adhere to routines as a kid and spent many hours intensely absorbed in computers and video games. those were my routines. i stuck to them. and as an adult, that didn't really change. and yet now all i see or surrounded by is what seems to be substantial productivity, and people contributing to society, and always being great. even if it may be exacerbated by social media, the perception is still strong, and now that spring weather has come people are already forgetting how to act. on the flip side of the coin, i have to become more confident and more assertive in disciplining myself. but it starts with becoming more confident or more assertive, which i feel like is going to be a long journey considering how non-confrontational i always tried to be. i do have arguments and fights with loved ones but i think that is just natural growing up. now i've melted into a couch and have spent a considerable amount of time figuring out what i wanna do next. but i don't have a structure anymore because i'm not going to school. i have all this extra time and i use it to play video games and flush my dopamine receptors. i feel stuck, stuck, stuck in the mud.

since i phrased it like that, how can i forgive myself right now? i want to be assertive or confident but it often leads to chaos. i don't even know how to describe it. but people do it consistently like they know what is coming and decide it's a great time to stir the pot. all these fears and regrets and shames, i've tried to document, and burn, and analyze, and study, just to understand them and possibly reduce the stress i feel from it. but being a leader is stressful, and having responsibilities where people rely on you is stressful, especially if your responsibilities involve maintaining life of others. i think it is still accurate to me that the stress got to me as a new graduate nurse, and i let myself do some pretty embarrassing things. that didn't change much when i visited maryland later, and got rejected by the NIH. when it rains it pours, but our brains affix on negative things naturally, and it feels so cliche to say.

being an adult is hard. i have to build structure and discipline somehow.