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Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2022-05-22 03:33:33 (UTC)

Wandering Soul

look into my soul and find me turning in the sorrow
the truth comes upon me then evades me
once understood the lesson is then lost
when another facet of my personality takes charge

my essence will lie to you because I am afraid
no, don't touch, don't look at me there
I'm too vulnerable
you'll get the worst of me
proof I'm unlovable, turn away

I wonder are the broken pieces really me?

different sides of the whole
or are they more to the point
the hurt within

broken my soul shatters
then I am left in the nothingness
personifying feelings because I can't fully connect with them

the lonely blossom and sway in the wind
she whispered thoughts that took flight
I sought to capture the melancholy
but she rose higher then look back and smile at me
as she waved goodbye

I weep inside myself, I ache without her
she was the part of me who understood how I feel sometimes
when I am lonely

I was left empty, my own soul fled to a kinder place
I sought to take flight, and follow her
but the nothingness took hold of me
weighing me with a heavy feeling
I fear I would never feel anything again

my spirit children born of my soul are my emotions
I keep them within my sacred gardens
but sorrow and hurt so often find themselves inside the angry
this place is dark and no place for the innocent

while trying to find their way back to the gardens they got lost
and were frightened
suddenly an angel appeared sparing my loneliness
and they grew wings
my children safe in sanctuary
I have hope

sometimes they sing to me
telling me they will return when my soul grows up inside

I got a message yesterday saying they were bummed they weren’t allowed to go on the trip
I copy and pasted their previous message saying for the second time they didn’t want to go for many reasons
I have not stated I’m solo driving it
They were upset I didn’t stop my yard work to go there
They were alone
They wanted me to load my weed eater and bring it to them to fix
Wouldn’t it make more sense to come here?
I take it they were still alone at 1130 because they sent me a text waking me up
“Does your Snapchat work?”
I was like, wtf
Asked why…no reply
So silenced everything and went to bed
There’s no way in hell I could tolerate 9 days
No way in hell
Then RP would probably jump down his throat and more shit would get started
The trip is to be relaxing
Not stressful and full of tension

He’s using his step daughter
His ex wife knows it
All the talk about how she cheated….
I get why.
Not saying it was right, omg, no.
What she did was wrong
So many levels
She should have left first
But then again
I only have his side of things
And I’m sorry….
I’ve known him 3 years, and he’s not gotten better, just the same ol shit
I’m kinda glad he has to eat his words for the trip
He’s going to tell everyone we didn’t allow him to go
But it’s also going to burn a bridge with RP when she finds out why he said he didn’t want to go
Looks bad on him
My kid can’t stand him and said he’d rather him go than put her through all the extra to help us
I just gotta convince her we will be ok on the way back
Maybe book an extra motel on the way back and we take an extra day traveling home
Only rush to get back is the cats
Certainly don’t want to deal with him when I get back
I’ll need the weekend to unpack and relax

I didn’t sleep the greatest yet again
Was told
“I don’t wanna help with yard work”
So part of the reason they didn’t come here
It’s cool
Don’t bark at my kid for not wanting to help
And yes, Ive been cutting the grass alone everyday little by little
I’m almost completely finished
About another acre to go

This week it rains most all week yet again
So next weekend I will be doing the same
He plans on coming here
I’ll remind him there’s nothing to do here
And I have things to do
So I might just chill Friday and Saturday by myself
And he can come Sunday afternoon and leave Monday
My kid will be gone Friday thru Monday
Monday is my daughters birthday
She was born in 99
She’s the third born

I’m waiting on coffee
Never put the new coffee maker in
Need to do that by next weekend
Have 1/2 completed on my check list before the trip
Got the auto feeders/waters going
Wish I would have thought of those a long time ago, lol
No more yelling at me and waking me up complaining they are hungry
Hopefully two 1gal feeders will last 9 days
Have three 1gal water feeders, they went through one already
So might have to order or look into buying another set jus as precaution
Can always use it for the pup when we get back

Got the gps drive installed yesterday
So much easier than my old outdated garmin that’s 10-12 years old roughly

I’m tired all of a sudden….
Eyes burn and body feels too heavy to move
Going to rest

🌹Love Alice

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