Notes from my Black
I recently read the two Pax books. Now I’m reading a book called Wolf. I guess I liked the first one enough to read the second one. Then I liked that one enough to read a similar one by a different author. I find them interesting. They take the perspective of the animal. They talk and think like the animals. My son is enjoying them. Really that is what matters here. My enjoyment is secondary. I love spending this time with him.
I found someone on Instagram. In all honesty, I did mean to find them. I was hunting… I didn’t know what to do when the search was successful. I wonder if they found me too… and also did not leave a trace. It’s funny really. I will always have deep and perfect feelings for this person even though maybe I should not. It’s funny/ interesting actually. I have this place in my heart for those I am or have been close to. We may not be compatible, but they are part of the ground I walk on every day. I depend on these people sun ways I can not describe and can not publicly admit.
Emotions do weird things to me. I am best off to leave them behind. I get sappy and willowy in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable because I am vulnerable. I worked hard to put this veneer on… it is what I show the world. If nothing else, this last day has taught me to leave my emotions out of my life. I need to just fucking put my head forward and move the hell through these days.
If you ever see me staring off into space, ask me what I see. Don’t ask me what I’m thinking. The moment I hear you ask what I see, I know you want to see from my perspective whatever is in my mind. When you ask what I’m thinking, I’ll be learned that if I tell what I am actually thinking, I will regret it because it is never what I am apparently supposed to think. I don’t like being regulated and measured. It is not my comfort place and it seems like this is where I currently live. I live at 123 ThisIsHowYouJudgeMe Avenue, Fucking Nowhere City,
I have no idea what I just wrote. That’s pathetic. Lack of good sleep is messing with me again.