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2022-05-20 22:22:00 (UTC)


I have a tendency of making wrong decisions.

I’ve belatedly realized that I shouldn’t have come. I should’ve never accepted the invitation. I should’ve said no. That I’d watch from home. I should’ve thought about it (do I ever think?). I should’ve thought of my brother. I should’ve thought of my parents. How much more of a burden they’d have to think about if they had to take us with them. I should’ve thought. How much my brother would be disappointed in the after service activities. They never really are good, after all. But that’s only a conclusion I’d come to if I had actually given myself time to think. Do I ever think? I’m not quite sure anymore. I think so much and yet I manage to act so dumb. What are all these “smarts” for if I don’t fudging use them? I’m literally brain dead. And now everybody’s mood is low because it took us way too long to leave and their exit probably wouldn’t have been as bad if I’d just decided to stay home.

But I’m an idiot who makes impulsive decisions without thinking with their brain.

I’d cut myself some slack and say it’s teenage brain, the reward system making me act before thinking because there may have been something that made it seem like worth the risk. But honestly, I don’t care. I feel dumb so I am dumb.

I’m sorry.
I should’ve said no.
I’m sorry he got hurt.
I’m sorry they got frustrated.
I’m sorry I was too indecisive.

I’m sorry I’m too focused on all my bodily flaws to have any foresight or make intelligent choices.
It all happens too often. I make it worse.

I’m sorry to that girl who sat next to me in my English class. I don’t mean to be a socially awkward ug— I didn’t do anything in particular but I’m still sure that sitting next to me is a bad experience. I’m sorry I come to school and take up space that could be used by someone who truly values their education. I’m sorry I make decisions that affect other people. I’m sorry that I took any role in this family involuntarily and manage to fail so often. I’m sorry I have any digital footprint and to all those who’ve ever read a word of mine. I apologize for making you waste compliments and comments and advice because I don’t take in anything. It’s useless. I’m just us—

I didn’t really mean to. I didn’t mean to be born like this. It was an accident really. I wasn’t aware of how I was forming and how my genes joined and intertwined. If I’d known I would end up like this, I’d have self aborted. Maybe I’d have been the miscarriage that my mom had instead so that a different, capable child were born. So they’d value their life. And show it. And make my family proud. Because I
I don’t know what I’m doing
But I know it isn’t right
Nothing about it.

Not my mind. Not my treatment. Not my behavior. Not my body. Not my brain. Not my mood. Not my emotions. Not my thoughts (or lack thereof).
Not. My. Choices.

Sometimes, there are times when you (I) reach a certain point mentally—or emotionally or at this point I don’t know—and it’s not just a heavy heart. Nothings different, physically. But the weight of it is

I give up. There’s no point in trying to explain. I know I made a mistake. I want to go home and lie down and

I have homework. I’d forgotten. I hate myself. All I ever do is try comforting myself when I’m meant to be working. Why am I like this.

I sound so illiterate. I feel like going home but I don’t even want to go to my home. I just don’t want to be here. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to Choose or act or work or anything
This brain is the reason I always want to do something
The reason I procrastinate
The reason my anxieties manifest physically
The reason I’m even aware of having a body
Self consciousness sadness and all the things that I seem to

I want to kill myself.
Is that a lie
Am I a liar
A fake
Do I even really feel bad?
I don’t want to be here.
I don’t want to think.
But it doesn’t stop. It never does. Not when the entry is saved. Not when I close my eyes. Not when I try to imagine. Everything is disgusting. Too repetitive. Constant. I’m not even hungry. I wish I’d starved.

I’m so sorry.
I’m so self centered.
I don’t even think about them.
I should be working to pay them back.
I should be thinking for them.
But all I’m doing is failing them and failing myself.
All because I can’t stop thinking about the wrong things.
I just can’t get enough of feeling miserable can I?
And now they sit here in this long line for some measly lard because I made them bring us.
They shouldn’t have ever built my confidence up just for me to prove them wrong wrong and more wrong every single day.
I should be better. Why aren’t I better. Am I even trying? This whole time I’ve just been dawdling. Like an idiot. What is wrong with me? Why don’t I try harder? Why do I act so useless if I’m aware of it? Why do I make the wrong choices use the wrong words stumble over every. Single. Thing. Trying hard not to look clumsy when I really need to be thinking about a fudging project. Is something wrong with my brain?

And there’s no point in self pity because I know for a fact that all these feelings disappear in the next act. As soon as you begin interacting with family the next day it’s like nothing ever happened huh? Just a few hours down snd then you’re back up again just to make even more bad choices that’ll affect everyone in the future. Always in hindsight.

I wish I’d never been
I just don’t want to be

This is so dumb
I’m dumb

A fudging pity party. Just stop. I don’t deserve to cry. It’s just a night. A bad night. No point in crying. I didn’t suffer. They were the ones who had to deal with everything. Just eat and read and sleep and work tomorrow. There’s something wrong with me. Not the kind of thing that can be interpreted and fixed. The kind that’s self assumed and so internal that it’s simply a part of you. Except I’m invisible.