caught myself examining the lines across my face again. unsure of where they come from; or why the bags are so deep. i never thought my sleep schedule was ever that bad. but they’ve been present for a long time, maybe since high school. i can’t believe i’m 25 now.
or that i’m married and i rent a house, but maybe i just find those things commonplace now. even after being against it for so long. i was certain that i wouldn’t find anyone who could mesh with my personality, much less improve me. but here i am.
i am also not sure if i should learn to be less deferential, especially since we’ve always deferred to authority growing up. but part of losing deference means raising your posture and raising your authoritativeness. if that’s a word. i feel as if i am stuck in a loop. a loop of same experiences, over and over. it is no wonder as people age, they get depressed. how do you find the strength to break the loop?
i wish sometimes i could figure out what it is i actually want out of this life. how do i know if i haven’t experienced it? and people just say to go out and do it. if i feared the consequences, i’m considered uptight. but then I hear Muki’s voice saying i care too much what other people think.
this story has to write itself a plot.