Tati

"Eye contact, proximity ..

"Eye contact, proximity breach, or even just looking at them, all that good stuff, just completely throws me off."

so true home slice, eye contact is a demon bruh
i know itslike, maintain eye contact to assert dominance but its really just kinda disturbing
maybe i should just pretend a mf is my mom because i feel smarter talking with her

It's like my mouth has a completely different vernacular/dictionary than my mouth. When I talk, all those filler words really do come out as I try to actually make sense while extracting my dispersing thoughts. Talking has always been a mindless thing for me. When I talk, I don't think, so I can't properly ponder the subject as I speak. Talking with family is definitely easier than talking to anyone else, when I'm with them sometimes those better, bigger, more complex words slip into my speech. But a lot of the time, I'm just using slang or whatever to quickly get my point across lol. When I'm engaging with people online, it's also different. Just acronyms, slang phrases, and amongst other incomprehensible comments. I haven't had a long conversation with anyone outside of my household family in a long time so I have no idea how that could possibly play out. Writing really is the most convenient method of expressing your thoughts. The ability to edit what you've written/typed and throw in phrases that only come to mind as you sit silently, focused on your own words. I wish my spoken words were half as detailed and well-spoken. I love writing, sometimes. At other times, it just reminds me of just how repetitive my thoughts and feelings are, once I spill them out in the form of words.

So I'm going to record it. Myself talking about a subject, maybe branching out. I'm not a good talker. I'm not very creative, so I don't randomly come up with stories or anything, although ridiculous theories aren't too far out there for me to do. All of the things I think and write are generally focused on myself, my current and future activities, and vague mentions of what goes on around me. But I /have/ noticed that when I think on my own (out loud or not, does that mean I'm insane?), my wording is better. Probably because I don't feel like I'm wasting anyone's time. I hate spotify ads.
Subjects I should try using? Okay wait. I might end up breaking my phone after hearing my voice. My self acceptance has not reached such a stage that I can simply listen to myself without wanting to die. It makes me sound like such a kid, but also not. Right, am teen. But I sound so much more normal in my head, in my own ears...

Regardless, topics.
i mean last night i was thinking abt self hate and things of that nature lmaooo
i really dont be thinking fr
like idec abt whats happeningin the world (T0T)
uh crap, google save me

wtf
https://www.mantelligence.com/deep-conversation-topics/
first question and theyre already trying to call my out on my bull
i hate it here
definitely talking about that crap
while i play a game or something to keep me preoccupied in a way
might just end up pacing around in a circle in my room, i tend to do that for some reason while i do anything
and now that i mention behaviors, a mf starts pulling at their fudging hair when they're frustrated
starts getting tired when theyre 'sad'
anddddd
starts rationalizing when...many occurences.

My mind and brain have minds of their own. By that, I mean that my mind, which contains my thoughts that are flowing on the screen right now, is different than my brain, which is providing the motor skills for typing the correct letters to create the words that form those thoughts. To be honest, I cannot immediately name the key positions in my mind, but my brain simply knows. I can't control my body through my thoughts. I can control it subconsciously but not consciously if you know what I mean?? Like, I'm not thinking "left foot forward, pick up right foot, place it ahead by same distance, don't trip." It's my brain. So "I," if I refer to myself as my thoughts, am not able to really control my body. So it makes complete sense when at that moment, I looked down and thought, "Watch this, I'm gonna move my right hand," and my right hand did not fudging move. The laziness was thoroughly felt. The same thing occurred when I thought, "Okay, this time my pink finger."
Why? What is the real separation between my thoughts, my internal monologue/dialogue???

Now that we're on the topic of internal mono and dials, which one do I even experience? Do I really think? How else would these thoughts end up here if I didn't though? The only reason I ever even get the urge to write in this diary is because I think a thought that I believe worthy enough to note, remember, and/or come back to. A lot of the time, I'm thinking to myself, not in an outward way. Like, "man i fudging hate my face" as i view my reflection in the bathroom mirror, or about how spanish accents are kinda...

But that's stuff I'd say to myself. There are of course even things that I think which I'm not confident in putting on this computer screen lmaooo
Then there are times when I'm /really/ thinking to myself, like my present self. like
I'll think
itll be like

fudge

i cant pull that kind of thing up on command but its usually a form of rationalizing my situation, my thoughts, or my feelings.
its the reason I made that entry about not being able to please everyone although my current self always wants to be on everyones good side.

With one side being the emotions and doubts and negativity that I feel and the other being more steady and calm or (like recently) the part of me that feels more wild and energetic with less regard for how other people feel. It’s freeing to be in that kind of mood. Keeps me uplifted and allows me to work. But I’m not feeling so confident right now. Shaking due to the cold I think. Might also be because I’m finally in the class I was meant to present my project in.

The shaking is a bother.