no name
Ad 2:
2022-05-18 00:28:44 (UTC)

I just don’t know

Feeling like I’m missing out on the world/life. That there are things that usually happen to people during the age/phase I’m living through and I’m only getting to experience the internal conflict portion. Nothing external.

So much so that I would end up attempting to fill in that hole with content and media. Twitter. Smule. Twitch. YouTube. Games. Fiction. K-p. But all it does is remind me of the things that are probably happening in the world with other people. Of the experiences that I could be having but am not.

Although I feel this way, it seems like it’s all within arms reach. But I’m just a bit too scared and too confident that it’s already too late to do anything about it. I just think I’ll stick to getting this year over with. Missing out is something that I’ll just have to deal with.

I get stuck in the media though. Seeing and listening to these people talk about everything they do on a daily basis and things that happen around them, I just can’t stop listening and reading and watching because I’m not doing any of those things. Could i? I don’t think I’d have the energy. Or the power to calm my thunderous heart in the middle situations like those.

I’ve thought about it, of course. Getting help for the issues I have with talking to people. I become too quiet, averting my eyes too much, only wilting internally even more because I know how it looks, I know what I’m doing but I just can’t stop myself from essentially curling in on myself in every way but physically, kinda. But my mom hasn’t signed me up for any sort of therapy of any kind, even after we were recommended it after she found out about the self injury crap.

I’ve thought about it. But my standards have risen. How funny. It’s just that I don’t actually want it to get infected and then make them pay money for my dumb mistakes. So another thing that waits until adulthood to perfect, such twisted plans.

I just feel helpless. I don’t have hope that I’ll get better. All I can do is push myself to do my work and avoid people whilst trying my best to stay happy enough to work. I get tired when I get sad or my mood declines. Then I lose motivation. And no work is done. Even outside of school work. So I can’t let myself fall. And if that means avoiding fear and embarrassment inducing situations, so be it.

How to get out of the social media trap? It’s literally my only entertainment. I have music. I have homework. I have reading. And I have shows/people to watch. What are we thinking?

Music is a background activity for me, for the most part. So we can cross that off if we’re looking for legitimate pastimes.

Homework is also background to me.

Reading is addictive and eye damaging. But entertaining…but what I read isn’t original…but I don’t really care… okay definitely an option.

Shows…there’s so fudging many on my watch list but I don’t have motivation to watch anything unless somebody watches it with me (IF ANYONE ON HERE IS TRYNA START AN ANIME OR SHOW HMU RN💯‼️)…bro MHA is so freaking long for no reason AND I got spoiled on the traitor alr😭wtf. Then there’s breaking bad, I wanna watch it cuz rage recommended it but like bro. I don’t be watching tv like that.

People watching. Twitch. YouTube. Etc. All fun, can be background, think I’ll use it as bkg while I do my homework in a bit. Smule will be put away. Was fun, time to delete it again💀

In conclusion. Fudge.
I mean. Fudge man. I didn’t finish those EXO reality shows at ALL😨😨I’ll save it for summer break😭 THEN THERES THOSE OTOME GAMES WND EVERYTHING I HAVE SKNMUCH TO DOOOO
I also need to stop eating at this point because it doesn’t bring me any pleasure nor satisfaction anymore. Just drink iced water tbh. Beneficial. I just forget in the moment if hunger how much I don’t actually want to eat anything. I’d rather drink coffee. Maybe try hot chocolate next time.
Guys I’m not counting calories. Why would I put in the effort to count that crap when I could literally just not. Am recording eating habits tho. Food doesn’t change my facial formation (like features not size) so it isn’t a cause of concern.

-halfarsed exercise
-put water in the freezer
-water candy (bc that’s totally not counterproductive)
-TT with gurk
-Spanish hw y rage
-otro homework y rage (Especislly English proj script outline)
(Probably puzzle break and things of that nature)

Others: MHA, fiction

ITS LIKE, I WANNA ENGAGE WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE FANS OF WHAT IM A FAN OF BUT I DONT WANT TO DIRECTLY INTERACT because what if I’m not enough/as big of a fan as they are but then outside of that fanbase/community, I’m too much of a fan for people who don’t know it as much, so it’s like I have nowhere to go💔💔