Tati

Stuck between wanting to do ..

Stuck between wanting to do anything to mindlessly pass the time and the thoughts
And
Wanting to do nothing at all but lie here and stare at the window as all the time I could’ve spent working passes.

Today
I was as useless as I should’ve expected. I didn’t expect it. Today I want to do something. But I lack the tools to go through with it. Today I am lonely and I do not deserve to be comforted. Today I want to Die. Today my head hurts. Today my legs carried me while my mind watched. Today the party wouldn’t end. Today I was forced to see how alone I am. Today I want to make the right choice. Today I understand why it never hurt enough when I cut. Today I think I’m done with those people. Today I think too much. Today

None of this matters
We all die one day
And I will continue to be useless until my bitter end because I don’t know what else I could ever be.

Why haven’t ever mattered. Why couldn’t I be of any value for once. Why can’t I excel. Why won’t I ever be liked. Why won’t I ever like myself. Why ask questions I always know the answers to.