my secret life
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2022-05-15 04:08:32 (UTC)


Hi its been quite a long time and honestly I have so many diaries one online and one not online well obviously its good to write in my diary because im such an emotional person and i just need to let it out.I will start studying at 1 pm and I will really try to finish the video and also making the docs for both the instruments and also my revamp notes for the retdem. It really is almost the retdem and i need to practice executing it perfectly or under 30 mins tonight. AHhhhhhhh im gonna need to try to do so many things tonight and like idk itd be nice llmao i did ruin this for myself because i dont really have anyone to have like a study buddy with and i am curious if other people have a study buddy or someone to study with and idk i think im assuming people do but im pretty sure most people do not i am just not close with my teammates but honestly its better this way. More peace while im being able to be myself and all. honestly sofia and yeah shes not really going anymore to cdu presumably because shes not attending the finals its actually really sad. ohmygosh how bad it is really for ur mental health. and more than that i just feel bad for her because it reminds me of the things ive been through but idk it seems like shes okay with it so i mean. Anyways im worried if who im gonna kind of go with to eat and all because im not close with crystal anymore im pretty sure i only talk to like 2 people and oh well im not really good with most people and its so tiring to kiss up like uhh i can be fake but making effort for a fake relationship is just useless in my thinking. Oh well im gonna go in for the ride because there is no choice i just have to stick with it and try my best to finish my college here . I am in this position for a reason im just trying to understand what God is trying to communicate T_T anyways i really hope I can pass. I will continue saying manifestations every morning and also doing meditations because i feel like i just need such a high tolerance for people while remaing looking like an angel and not yelling at their ugly faces. yes i am real but people do not deserve it . so yes let us fake it till we make it anyways lets not act like its sad anymore and just accept it. Also i hope i do not lose myself so i really hope i can reconnect with my friends again online and just feel like myself because it is important in remembering who I really am. I am genuinely curious how people view me and my life. Im pretty sure it is looked at at a negative way but oh well i am defoinitely happy now and at peace im getting used to peace and removing my relationship anxiety and also my anxiety has decresased and i just do not vape as much anymore i used to finish like 2 vapes or even 3 in a week and now i can barely finish one in 2 weeks. It honestly is such a huge deal because i would puff everytime anxiety hits which is the result for me finishing it so quickly. I would say i am getting to what me would wish for when i first arrived in Cebu it is finally coming here and although yes the school situation is hard and friends cause many people can be against me and all, but pick ur posion i knew i really couldnt have it all but atleast for the first time im at peace with myself my family and everything in the future. I really am so proud of myself the workk that ive built to come here where I am after all that trauma and if it means having 1 or no friends but having friends not in my classroom then okay. I would pcik this version of myself than the last ones. I dont really have fear except with God because im scared of making mistakes too. Anyways i jsut hope that everything will work out and I will pass because honestly that really is all that matters to me. honestly none. none. of my friends from cebu have knew my trauma and stayed hahhahahha and even my previous friends they didnt know anything and that was the best way it could work. honestly what would i look like if i stayed in Cebu and havent went to the US no? anyways i pray this all this will not go to waste and i wont experience trauma from mom again its tiring, next time im not lying but i wil die if i experience that fuckings hit or even worse. anyways i dont really think about the americans anymore. pieces of shit. anwyays imma study now byeyeyeye

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