Something just for me
2022-05-14 17:49:21 (UTC)


My friend got engaged last night. I couldn't be happier for her, she has waited forever for someone special. I envy her. We watched the video of it, since it was surprise and no one knew about it. But she looked so happy.

We all watched it and I looked over at Asshat and thought, "Why can't you remember when you were a good person and we got engaged. Why can't you be like this? Why can't you remember how in love we were and go back to that?" Can't make someone love you or treat you decently. He caught me watching it again and asked why I was so emotional. I didn't even answer. It's not like he cares, he was just trying to be nosy so he can use it against me somehow. He never cares about my feelings, why start now?

After some soul searching, I have realized that there is nothing special out there for me. No matter how hard I work, no matter how kind I am, how much I take care of others and help people - there is nothing special out there for me. I have to learn to be content with what I have and just make do. Ever since I was little, whenever traumatic things happened, I would sit there, close my eyes, and pray for something to come along to save me. I remember thinking that there had to be more to life than this, than being abused. All I ever wanted was to be joyfully married to my soul mate, to have kids and just be happy. 1 out of 3 isn't bad I suppose. So for years I kept waiting for something exciting to happen, for something special, that I am something special.

But no.

Asshat has shown me that. I am nothing special.