Gone mental

Notes from my Black
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2022-05-14 10:17:38 (UTC)

On the basis

I hear all kinds of psychology terms and explanations. I have a distinct loathing of them… probably because when I was young and in a emergent suicidal situation, my parents took me to a psychologist. This psychologist gave me an IQ test. I was told that I must be stupid because no one with any sense about them would do what I did. At the time I did not know my dad’s sister had purposely dived off the roof of the family home after having three kids. There was a history.

I understand how trauma bonding works. People who have witnessed a major event will bond. I’ve done it when I tried to give first aid to a crash victim on the highway. I had quit smoking two months prior. I sucked down 4 standing with the group of people who came to assist me while I worked and gave direction to the onlookers. The paramedics never tried to help her. They only announced her a lost cause… and let her bleed out. It was traumatic for me, and I started smoking again. I quit again a few year later. This time for good.

My friend and I bonded first from writing. Then became actual friends. We care for each other’s well being, and happiness. Our bond is clean in that there has never been any real discord with our relationship. We don’t always agree, but that usually has to do with me being nosey, or overstepping with advice or questions. There are limits to all relationships. She has taught me restraint as well as respect.

I have written about her here several times. She is my only friend that literally knows everything about me. She has never made me feel judged, and to me, that makes her the best friend I could have. We both have our issues, but currently her’s is emergent. So, I ask while maintaining respect. I poke and am there for her, but she doesn’t have the energy to live again the things that are pulling her down. I understand. Our bond wasn’t formed over trauma although we have seen each other through quite a bit of it.

I’m currently not sure how to communicate without feeling like I’m pressing her to talk about things she doesn’t want to talk about. I also know that telling me about things that don’t matter to her isn’t in her character, so that leaves her silent. I feel disingenuous commenting on the weather… although it has taken its toll on me physically.

So this is me, putting my energy into the world. I am hopeful she feels the depth of what I send to her. It is pure.

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