no name
2022-05-14 01:25:00 (UTC)

Peace in monotony

I’m starting to hate this mood cycle.
Messing around with those people, watching rage and them, and being around family does wonders to my mood.
But when I come down from that, I feel worse. Why do high and feel the impact of falling when you could just stay low? Is what I’m trying to say.

Why is my happiness always temporary, dependent on external factors?

I have work to do later today. I’m sleeping somewhere besides my room. It’s late, well early. I go offline and I feel that content happiness that kept me from thinking or feeling anything really bad drain from me. Why? Why is it that when I’m left alone to my own devices my emotional state will decline like so. It just tires me out. I’m tired. I don’t feel like going for another round, but the pull. The desire to go do those things I’d always at the back of my mind when I just want to sleep. Watch those videos. Go on those apps. Read those stories. It’s always there. Because it could be a potential dopamine boost. It’s all temporary. But my brain doesn’t care. It just makes me want and want and want and it overpowers the exhaustion I already feel.

I’m not sure I even want to feel happy anymore. Even if this default state isn’t quite nice. Because I always return to it.