Slowly descending into madness
Validation and expectations
When I was in 4th grade, I used to answer 60% marks. In my defense, that was enough to ensure 40% and that's pass marks. So I didn’t need to write extra 40%. That was the most logical shit I've ever said to my parents. So um, there's that.
Fast forward to 2022, 2 days ago, one of the senior faculties actually said that I'm very persistent and if anyone can do anything, that would be me. (It’s probably cause, I got my father's ego and stubbornness). On the same day, another faculty said that I should start a research firm in this country, I'd do very good. Yesterday, I got that offer letter, they let me know apparently I did exceptionally good in the assessment (!?!?). 2 hours ago, my supervisor was going through the info dumping doc file I created, and he thanked me for pulling off a good job.
Any rational person would be very happy but since it's me, I had a mental breakdown. The last thing I want is to let people know about me. I am so scared I'm going to fuck everything up and I'll disappoint everyone, specially myself. I expect great things from myself. I've always put everything I do before my well-being because I literally expect the best from my end. Thank fucking God, things I do are known to my colleagues, supervisors and faculties. My family doesn’t really understand what’s going on in my life and they don't really bother. I don’t have a boyfriend, even if I did, I wouldn’t express anything to him either. I used to be very disheartened but now I thank my lucky stars that I chose fucking BBA just to hide from them. Otherwise expectations from my parents alone would have killed me by now.
I wish I wasn’t stressing myself out about everything. I wish I could just enjoy learning as I did all these years and forget about the outcome. I wish the validation didn’t freak me out like this.
I wish I was as carefree as 4th grade me. I would have been very happy. Everything that I am now is killing me. There's always a part that wants to do better and the rest of me keeps on chasing it. It's a cycle that goes on forever.
He was right, I am toxic and manipulative. And I did the right thing by not contacting him anymore. But how do I save me from myself? Is there even any other way except killing myself? How do I live without questioning my fucking worth every single day?
June joked that I have become complete BBA grindr gorl and I got offended but dude it really looks like I've become someone I never wanted to be in the first place. I've become scared that I have to be "this" (idk the term) for the rest of my life. I can never break free again. Help.