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2022-05-11 20:34:14 (UTC)

On the topic of Exercise and everything else in my head

I especially dislike it not just because of the amount of self discipline and control you would need for yourself to consistently do it everyday but because of the way it is portrayed by women/people of my body type. From most of what I've seen, they always make it seem so soft and always associated with yoga and that kinda thing. I don't know what I really want. I want strength, I want to be more than just what my body is from eating the things I do. I guess I just don't like the femininity of it all, in fact, I seem to actively avoid being associated with the concept of being feminine. I believe it to be because I don't see myself as a very feminine person, like, it wouldn't look right on me. I'm not suited for it but I can't avoid it, given that I look like this. Take away some boobs and thigh fat and I'm just a teenage boy honestly.

Perhaps I want to look and feel cool when I do it, and that just cannot be achieved with the way it's seen. But I still want to do it, exercise that is. I would simply need to push myself to do it, however, as can be seen by the way I spent the rest of my day after school, I'm not very good at doing what I need to.

To be fair, I did give a warning at the beginning of today that it would be wasted due to the absolutely improper way and time I was awoken. That being said, I can tell that I'm in that space of comfortable and borderline uncomfortable due to all my ambitious ideas. Wanting to control things. Wanting to have more control over myself. To control my fitness, my eating habits, work completion, daily routine, I want to monitor, record, and control it all. And yet at the same time, I don't want to do anything but sleep.

this is so corny, honestly just wow stop typing omg, like there's nothing I can do
because- ughhh im just done "like" "because" "since" i just keep repeating myself and trying to sound smart and all and i dont curse so im not grouped up with the majority of the fudging world and im not churchy enough for the church population honestly what, i feel so dis-congruent its insanely dumb. like like LIKE I DONT EVEN want to be here right now
im trying to stay inside the lines all the time
afraid of judgement that doesn't matter, whether i end up getting it or not
literally none of it matters
none of these people are with me and imnot with them because i cant be
im not different (oh pls dont even get the impression that im saying such a thing becuase wouldnt that just be the worst thing in the woooorlald), just not involved, on the outside looking in
im a kid. im a kid and im socially something. and im not doing that well in school. my grades are good, for now, with the excuse to make up assignments due to sickness. i go to church. i have a loving family. i have approximately zero friends. blocked the one i did have because i simply did not want to talk, that should be a sign that i really dont need to-. i am living good.
so wtf
where are the people that are basically me at so i can feel like im not some- oh maybe theyre there and i just dont know because im a social failure unable to talk to anyone else that isn't online

heart beats too fast
stuttering too much
shaking subtle but still present
an embarrassing display that i avoid showing at all costs, most likely worsening my situation
things aren't looking up
this is a declaration of separation

lies. this is so wordy. nobody should read it. dont read this, if ur already here.
just too lazy to actually do anything
too scared to actually do anything
and dissatisfied at myself inside at all of inaction.
simple as that.