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Stress. It’s very stressful, wrongly so.
I have things easy, so I should be sailing through.
But I’m stressed at school.
I’m nervous. Music always comes through my headphones to calm my nerves. It doesn’t work as much as I wish it would. Can they see the way I walk as though I’m being watched? The way I trip over my feet occasionally. I adjust in my seat for the 50th time and wonder if I’m bothering someone by moving so much or if the people in this classroom are catching my discomfort.
I can’t sit right with too many people behind me. I can’t get comfortable, I feel tense, not safe enough to relax. I have trouble navigating through the crowds, trying my hardest not to bump into anyone in the hallways but nobody sticks to the right side anymore, why do they stand around in the hallways?
Why do they walk so slow? Don’t they have classes to go to? Oh yeah, I’m the only one with work to catch up on because I was sick. Of course of course. but they still need to get tf out of the way the what is wrong with them-
Always taking an ear out of my headphones when passing by these teachers in case they greet me, I don’t want to be rude because I’m killing my ears with music. Adjusting myself in my seat stiffly, I feel like they can see my computer screen, can they see it?, they’re probably not looking because they don’t know me, but people are nosy, but I’m invisible, is it showing? Literally nobody cares what you’re writing.
I drop into my seat, slouching down to try and relax but I still still still can’t. Too many people in the room. Too many people who don’t care and aren’t looking at me and I still cannot relax, my back hurts.
Sitting on the bus and I still feel like the person sitting in the seat adjacent to mine is staring at me but they’re not and they’re on their phone but I adjust myself just as stiffly anyway. I have no one’s attention but my own and yet the laughing I just heard feels directed at me. It wasn’t. They’re talking about YouTubers and school drama and I-
School is a place of inner tension, the absence of relaxation, too uptight to even register the loneliness anymore.
Final question: How does one think themselves worthy of compliments? I’ve seen worse and I’ve seen better than things I’ve done and I still feel like the worst, isn’t that so funny