Gentleman ♀

I Hate Middle School
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2022-05-08 23:17:26 (UTC)

Deep Thoughts Pt1


I bought a new app today. It's called Bird Alone. It's a really cute app but I read the reviews to see if the full game was worth three bucks and spoiled it for myself. The bird dies in like a month! I've only just met the bird and I'm already attached to him. First I lose my snake, then I lose my cat, and now I'm gunna lose my fictional bird? Oh well, I guess it's better to know beforehand. I named my bird Parker. I've always liked the name Parker and it's a gender-neutral name that I think fits my bird well. I'll probably call it a he but I see it as more of a gender-neutral being. After making friends with the bird it made me think... He asked me to draw what makes me happy. Without hesitation, I drew a (horribly drawn) picture of my cat, Gentleman. I just want him back... It's okay though, the game is supposed to make you think. Apparently, he'll come up with a few ideas a day to think about. It sounds nice... I've always enjoyed deep thought. Wanna do some thinking with me today? I didn't do much worth writing down so I think this'll be a fun exersise. Maybe I'll look up some things to think about...

The first one I chose is "what is the difference between living and existing..." That's a tough one... I think, existing is just being there. Letting things happen to you and not thinking too much about it. But living is the joy you get from existance. The sadness too. Existing is being there, living is the emotions you feel from being there. Things like this, like thinking deep thoughts, is the most living you can do. When you see past what your friend says and read their emotions, that's living. When you take a second just to appreciate a view, that's living. Living is emotion.

"When you are 80 years old, what will matter to you the most?" I like this question, it gets you thinking. I think a lot of people who answer this question (like the lovely lady on the website im reading this from) will think of past memories. Not me though. When I'm 80 it might be nice to remember fun things I've done in the past but I think I'd want to enjoy the present just as much. I want to have a partner I can love and a pet I can chill out with. Maybe even a kid or two to spoil. Honestly, I never really thought about making it to 80. My idea was to just die in my 50s or 60s in some freak accident that's completely out of my control. Getting old is scary but I guess I'll never truly want to die will I? It'll always be just a few more years.

"If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be?" and "If you could instill one piece of advice in a newborn baby’s mind, what advice would you give?" This one is easy. I'd tell them to not give a crap about what others think. Do ANYTHING you want as long as it doesn't hurt others. Dress how you want, befriend whoever seems chill, and participate in anything and everything that looks interesting. Because in the end, you'll never truly regret doing something you loved, you'll only regret what you didn't try.

"What do you want most?" and later, "If you had the chance to go back in time and change one thing would you do it?" This question is seriously gunna make me cry. If I'm honest, I don't really know. There are lots of things I want so bad I'd die to get them. One of them is my cat. My poor baby that went missing. Another one is my friend's happiness. I can't bear to see them sad or even a bit bummed out. They deserve only the best and if I can't give them that, what kind of friend am I? The thing I want most right now though, is to go back in time. Back when I had both of those things and more. I can have my cat, fix my horrible mistakes that made my friends sad, and do lots of other things. I can go back to playing the winter minecraft map with Emma (cousin) in my basement for the first time. I can watch Stampys Lovely World and DanTDM without getting an overwhelming feeling of depression because I've grown up... My stuffed animal wouldn't be ripped up and I could do things I was too scared to before.

"What impact do you want to leave on the world?" I want to make people feel accepted. I want to help people understand themselves, embrace themselves, and do the same for others.

"If you looked into the heart of your enemy, what do you think you would find?" I don't have an enemy but if I did, I'd probably find sadness. Wether we want to admit it or not, I think everyones at least a little depressed. If they didn't like me, it's probably because they don't like themselves. I know from personal experience, no matter how unconnected they may seem, anger and violence only stem from depression and insecurity.

"Would you rather lose all of your old memories or never be able to make new ones?" I think I'd rather lose all of my old memories 100%. Although they're all so happy, they just remind me of what I don't have anymore and they cause me so much pain. I'd probably keep them if I had the choice but in all honesty, they're a big part of what's holding me back.

"What are your top five personal values?" Ummmmm... Experience, Trust, (platonic and romantic) Love, Empathy, and Creativity.

"How would you describe ‘freedom’ in your own words?" Freedom is the ability to live without dwelling on the past. Or future. The ability to feel content and be content right here, right now, just because you can. It's the feeling you get when you hear a REALLY good song, or bite into a sweet slice of watermelon, or have a moment with one of your favorite people.

"Are you happy with yourself?" ... No...

"Who or what do you think of when you think of love?" I think of moments of physical affection and happiness. A hug from Quinn or Vinny, laying on Avery or Karras's lap, or carrying Riley or Olivia on my shoulders.

"If your life was a novel, what would be the title and how would your story end?" This one is really tough... I'll have to think about the title but I'm certain that the ending would be me being reincarnated as a cat or something. Going through this whole rollercoaster called life over and over again. I'd probably call it Finding Happiness or Shaping Myah (name revealllll lol. Actually I think I've done this before, I made the same joke too. Oh well) or something along those lines, because that's my goal in life. To find out how to not be so goddamn depressed all the time, preferably by "shaping" my best self.

"When do you feel most like yourself?" Honestly, I feel most like myself when I'm alone. A fresh coat of questionable makeup, headphones in, jumping around and dancing dorkily to a "cringey song" that I've had on repeat for the last 3 days. Also, when I'm in the car with my dad, typically riding shotgun, just me and him, on the way to my grandma's or some other faraway place. Also blasting my favorite music.

It's getting late and I have school tomorrow so I'm gunna end this here. I'll probably do a part 2 though. I really enjoyed thinking deeply into these questions and I hope you learned a but about me and about yourself today. I encourage you to go read some of this lady's blog, she seems really nice and these questions are amazing. This is it; . I hope you had fun! Buh bye!

~ Gentleman