Tati

Inaction

The daunting presence of a deadline.
Immediacy of a situation causing panicked inaction rather than hasty action.

Which part of me is blocking me from doing what I know I need to do? My mind? No, I am my mind and I want to get this out of the way. My body? My brain? I don’t know. I don’t know and I’m running out of time. I don’t know and everything will be useless if I don’t do the right thing now rather than later. I don’t know what’s stopping me but I’m scared for myself. My unmoving self. What’s wrong with me? Why didn’t, why aren’t I working? My heart, or my chest, clenching and things coming back into focus, back from my peaceful escape, because tomorrow I’m thrusted back into the single responsibility I have, the only one I’ve failed. Am failing. Could save. Am not saving. I want to die, not watch myself burn slowly. I don’t know, I’m too used to just letting things happen and I can’t get myself to stand and stop it all. I can’t move. Just like when I couldn’t speak. When I felt mute.

I wish they hadn’t taken one of the only things (what else is there? Sleeping only makes me skip ahead to the moment that I leave this safe haven that is not really safe at all) that helped relieve this feeling. Why am I capable of choice? I wish they had just beaten me into obedience because I no longer have the self control to do it myself. I need help. But I won’t consciously take it, given how self sabotaging I already am. I need help and I won’t ask for it. I want to live and I’m going to kill myself.