Tati

Rant

Why do compliments make me hate myself more?

Because I start to think that maybe im not that bad. Thinking I have value. That I might be worth more. Better than ive said I am. So self hate comes back to call it all false.

Because of course rhat person isnt being nice to me because they actually like me. Its just because its their personality. They cant help it.

Of course im not articulate, just wordy.

Not sad, just complaining.

Not an adolescent, just an ugly human.

Not smart, just average enough.

Not a good student, just too silent to have a presence.

I wish I were something more. Because as it is, i cant feel
Its frustrating
I hate complaining
It makes me feel bad
Its all I fudging do
I just want to feel good about myself is that too much to ask? Am I being unrealistic? Am I being childish? Im literally a kid let me be a kid why cant I just be myself without wanting to die

Why do compliments have to hurt me
And why do all my problems amount to nothing in the face of legitimate help
Why do my thoughts only appear at night when there’s no one else to bear witness
Why aren’t all these thoughts and emotions worth me getting help for?
Why can’t I feel normal
Why can’t I know what normal is
Oh wait its because I have no close peers to compare myself with, the lonely prick that I am. No way to know if im fhe only one