Tati

I guess

1. Quiet meant boring for me. But quieter meant cool for them.
2. Just waited a bunch of their time because I’m an idiot.
3. Its not because of the things I do, its because of who I am.

I just waited their time trying to style that flyer at all. They really should spare me their attempts at installing confidence in me, with the amount of times I’ve simply messed things up for no reason. Why, after I’ve managed to accomplish absolutely nothing with designing, would you call me smart? Are you mocking me? Is this funny? Or are you blind? I don’t know which irritates me more. Or maybe I’m just mad at myself. Most likely.

I would delete the app. Not go to those places. Because I would think that its those social settings that make me feel worse about myself. That seeing all these people and their diverse personalities and faces and styles just make me feel like not enough. When one person being quiet made me feel like they were cool. And me being quiet made me feel like I was an idiot. Socially inept. Awkward. And too timid for how fudging dumb I look. No. It isnt those places that make me feel bad. I just dont like myself. Its me. Always has been.

I wouldnt be mad or necessarily care about anyone else doing the things I do and saying the things I do but when I do it myself its just soooo cringey, huh? Why? Why do you hate me? Why do I hate me? Why do I hate myself, the only person I have?
Why do I hold such disgust for the only thing I can count on?
Why do I hate my face? My voice my hands my body my personality??? Why can’t I congratulate myself on one thing? Why cant my grades be something to celebrate (on my own) and not always something to improve on, or not matter at all (if it is good)?
Why dont you just like me?

You’re only making it worse on both of us.
Except im fudging talking to myself.
And I genuinely do not like the way that my face looks no matter the expression. Makeup cant fix this hate.
I dont like the way my voice sounds because its me. Not because it sounds bad.
Why?

I don’t know why. I cant fix it. I cant help it. i wont ever feel good if i hate myself.

What a waste of time. I don’t want to be alive in this simulation anymore. Not today. Not tomorrow. Just take me out. I don’t want to look like this. I dont want to feel like this. Is it my fault? That I feel bad? What did I do to bring this upon myself. What have j done that was so fudging bad to incur this sort of dislike from WITHIN MYSELF ?

I dont even want to comfort myself but its the only thing I want to do at the same time. I feel like i can’t live. I cant live without being barraged with my own criticism. I dont want to live. Not like this.