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Also i dont have an eating disorder, just a lot of hate for my body and a lot of envy to look like others ive seen.
All the sh*ts.
Im aware thats it genetic makeup that determines these things and that it doesnt define my worth. And I know that I have organs so my stomach is not going to just be flat. Doesnt stop me from disliking how it looks on me. From a standpoint that recognizes the human body as having internal organs and nonstraight curvature, I could be called slender but mot skinny. In my case I think I just hate the way the female body is built because its not just fat distribution. Its also anatomy.
I dont like the way my legs go inward then out. I dont really like how my legs are so much thicker than my arms. I dont like the arch of my back, and it makes me feel like what was displaced there makes my stomach poke out more. I dont like breasts. At all tbh. I dont like the bigness of my shoulders. Or the hair on my legs and arms. Fudge I even have stomach hair like wtf is this. Did God want me to be a girl and changed his mind mid-creation?
I wish I could fudging appreciate it but I don’t. Not at all. Sure I can feel agender but I can’t look the part. In all seriousness, I wish genitals didnt exist. Both versions are very not good looking.
Masculinity and femininity, at least from what the world and media has Made them to be, are things that take up my body. Neither makes up more of me to be the majority. Its not enough. And its too much. I wish I didn’t look like a girl so that those masucline traits wouldnt stand out. I wish I didn’t look masculine so i wouldnt look out of place in my own body.
I wish I didn’t have a body because humans are honestly disgusting and id rather exist in essence or spirit instead, without face or color or feature.
Acceptance is not something that I will have at this age. Maybe YA me will get this crap out of the way. Maybe puberty will settle things. If I end up looking worse I might seriously kill myself because thats honestly how I started SHing in the first place. 😁 Not threatening but definitely ASKING, universe💔