Zoanna

LIFE
2022-05-07 11:03:47 (UTC)

Day 1 - start again

dear Diary,

πŸ˜‚ I am officially starting this diary now for myself. I feel like I have been a fool in the past few days even though my feelings of loneliness are true. On this day, I woke up in the morning feeling grumpy and annoyed with the world. When you feel tired and annoyed for no reason, then there is something that you need to stop or change permanently. I was trying to push myself to study and stay focused but it was not happening at all. I thought about the things that were taking up my energy and time. The first thing that always takes up my energy and time, is thinking too much. I strive to change that by clearing my head and that led me to start learning about meditation. I closed my eyes earlier and try to meditate but it was too hot in the house. I was trying to read and take notes but nothing was staying in my head. I turned on the fan but it was still no use. I drank a lot of coke to keep me awake but still the same too. I was so frustrated, that I stood up and went to have a shower. I came back, eat, and then slept for a bit. I cannot force myself to do something when my body needs rest and my mind needs to settle down.
I woke up and mum and little sis were still baking pies and cakes for Mother's Day. I walked around for a bit, trying to keep my mind clear, and to have a little "me" time. When my body is well-rested, my mind settled, and light spirit I am well able to make good decisions. I get really scared of making decisions when I do not eat, have enough sleep, and do one thing for more than 5 hours. I like it because it keeps me on my feet and to spend a good time with my family.
Aside from all that, I was thinking about the guy I like on Vent. What made me like him? He is the first guy I have ever texted so many times and asked to text me back. That is so not me lol I was always on the other end - in charge and controlling how things go. I never thought that I would be in a place where I am asking someone to text me and have a good conversation with me. I cannot believe I was in that position. I thought about the reason why I liked him and it was a really good time for me to reflect back to those kinds of things. I started liking him because:
1. he is mature
2. he is careful with his words
3. he respects me
4. he's more controlled
5. he is easy to talk to
6. he is fun and knows how to chill
7. he is older than me
I have always wanted to date someone who is more mature than me and more responsible. I want to be free and do stupid things. I want to have that teenage and care-free child ways that I have missed. At a young age, I had to grow up really fast and I became really angry with the world. I wanted to be acknowledged and all that. I miss being disobedient. I miss trying out new things and thinking of life and every chances I get as opportunities. I guess he made me feel that way and I liked it.
I thought about him and also my stupid fantasy in my head. I thought about my goals and what I need. I get tired from just thinking about him not texting me back and not giving me the attention I want. I need to stop. I told myself that I need to stop because it is not healthy. Toxic I guess? I sent him a long message after posting a lot about how I miss him and that I want him to text me back. I sent him the reasons why I liked him and apologize for dragging him to this stupid picture/story I have in my head. I apologized, signed out of the app, and was done. I feel like deleting it all but I don't want him to be the only reason for me to delete something useful in my life. That app is good. I may not go on it after some time but I know I will go back to it and I hope by then, people who are not supposed to be my mutual listeners have blocked me or left. I don't like being reminded of why I stopped progressing or of my mistakes. It is good to learn from them but I don't like the feeling of being reminded of them when I have not fully gotten over it.

Now I am here! Just writing this first official diary entry lol First step to getting better for me is to block or cut ties with people who are not helping me become better with/without their fault. I will not stop talking to them in real life but if it is on social media, I don't care if we know each other in real life, I will still block them lol in real life, I will only talk to them when they talk to me or when I need to. It is not being a bitch, it is keeping my peace.

Anna




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