Tati

The trick to it

See that’s what I don’t like about myself;
That I feel the need to come back when I’m not wanted or needed.
See the thing about it is you don’t realize how alone you are until you are at that point in between where you are about to leave yet you haven’t left and can see everyone socializing and laughing together.
What you don’t realize, and that’s the trick to it, is how alone you really are.
You don’t really feel it as you leave the building, or leave the app, feeling as though you wasted time because nobody actually wants to see you there lmao. And it manifests as a subtle feeling of draining as you stick around. The longer you stay, wishing you were somehow more included than you are, the more tired you feel, the less energy you have. And then you leave.

Knowing, but not emphasizing (why? I have no idea why at this point), that all those people are somewhere having fun and happy times with their friends and family and loved ones out there and you’re alone because you’re you.

Yes, you’re you, sitting alone in your empty, cold room, on your empty, warm bed as though you’re suddenly going to have some motivation and external support system to make the rest of your days better. Don’t hope. I know you can’t help it, it’s honestly ingrained within you, I suppose you’re hopeless. What I’m getting at here is that, as you are, you will always be alone and lonely and depressed and tired. Unfortunate as it is, it’s the reality you have to deal with. I don’t know if you’re going to get rid of yourself sooner or later, but right now, things are stable in the world. The only one who hasn’t gotten the message is you.

Look, I wish I could help you too but I have no power over how things work. If I had the power I would’ve made you so much more different, oh trust me, I most definitely would have. However, that’s not the case. And currently you are a self pity party (oh you learn a term one time, from your fudging mother at that, and just can’t stop using it to insult me huh? Get off your high horse mf) that just CANNOT seem to get back on their feet, hm?

It’s simply a matter of dedicating time and energy and yet you can’t even do that? You’re as bad as it gets. I feel bad for your parents.

…too far?
Nooooo no no no no no

Homework. Hobbies. A career plan. And a sleep schedule. That’s literally all their asking of you and you decide to go off the deep end and start depressing yourself into the ground with self esteem issues? What is wrong with you? You don’t even look that bad. Your personality isn’t psychotic or anything either, so why do you suppress yourself so much? You are your own problem, not the self you were born with/learned. It’s you🫵. Why do you even care about living anyway? Just live. Nobody gives a flying duck about anybody at your age anyway, don’t look so deep into your interactions with people. They don’t care, so you shouldn’t either.

I can’t exactly compare your emotional…shortcomings with other people’s difficulties because your ability to devalue and invalidate your own emotions is so fudging unreasonably good, but you could be worse. Yes. YOU could be worse. Your grades could’ve completely flatlined. You could’ve killed yourself by accident while chopping at your wrist (OOOO THAT MESS HURT LIKE A BI-). You could’ve been even more rebellious I suppose. Ran away or done some crimes. Could’ve been a delinquent-like student.

But you aren’t. So take that and put yourself in the middle instead of at the bottom of your scale. The standards you hold for yourself aren’t necessarily,, realistic. People are supposed to look terrible at your age anyway, makes the adult counterpart look better.

You lonely sod. Stop being lonely. Just stop it. Even I’m not sure what being in the company of the people we’ve seen around us is like, but it does you absolutely no good to be yearning 🥺🥺 TO BE WITH THEM YOU SAD PIECE OF SALT.
youre overestimating them. Putting them on a pedestal they aren’t worthy of. Not to say they’re bad or anything but they aren’t THAT good. Don’t make a god out of companionship. It’s simply a thing. An aspect of life. Not a requirement nor a need.
You’re better than that- you COULD be better than that. At least.

Putting all of that aside, I know it’s better not to think. It’s so much easier when your thoughts are just not in your head maybe because your brain is being used from something else (ei homework, writing those thoughts out instead of speaking them in, playing/watching tv). I know you want to experience and not miss out on all the things that you think would be SOOO good but, to put it simply, I don’t care. I don’t feel like peopling, I want to rest before they put me in that dreary institution with all those children again. Okay that sounded a bit condescending. I meant all those “peers.”

I will not be able to rest however, BC A MF NAMED YOU DID NOT DO THEIR HOMEWORK YOU PROCRASTINATING HO💔

With that being said, today is Friday (it’s actually Saturday morning but i just can’t accept that I wasted that much time on hat stupid app) and I don’t know what to do. I know the logical thing to do is sleep, wake up, work, shower, and go on with my day. But I …
I don’t want to read. I don’t want to play games. I don’t want to watch tv. Im getting that feeling again. The one that comes after school ends and I walk into my room to see, well, my room. That says enough. I dont quite feel like doing anything.
Sleeping sounds boring but listening to audio sounds lame.

Maybe I’m just boring.
That thought makes me sad.
But maybe I’ve truly grown bored of myself.
And now I can’t make up my mind, no true desires or attachments that stand out.
Maybe Im just tired. Nights and mornings are mood drop times.
Mood swings. Typical. Disgusting. Absolutely normal.

I need some help. Im so tired. Of my mind. And physically. So I guess I’ll go comfort myself to sleep.

Why do I have to catch myself lacking? Why can’t I just be myself and wild out without being judged by the only one I should feel comfortable with (me)? It’s not fair. Not quite fair at all.