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2022-05-06 13:12:00 (UTC)

This is for the best

I mean, I think its fine to feel unreal.
Its better than the intense silent stirring uneasiness of feeling watched despite never having been seen.
As it is, im not really even here.
When acknowledged or spoken to, maybe people cant really even hear or see me anyway.
Its surreal.

Am I coping?

Oh also I was thinking. What is loneliness? The desire to talk to someone ? Because I don’t actually want to talk at all. I just want to peacefully be in someone else’s presence without being afraid of judgement. Like hold hands with someone and read the same book or something like that. I dont like the idea of just /talking/ especially without a certain direction or topic because that mean Small talk or rambling on about vague things in the media.
I like conversations that are centered around Something. Something interesting or that I have knowledge about, letting me contribute to the convo and not make it one sided.

Idk. Is it strange to not want friends in the way people show it? I just wanna have contact wifh domeone. Maybe thats some touch starvation tapping in or something. And share experiences.
But its whatever. Im reading something rn.

The estrangement between mother and child?
Requiring daily emotional something something and encouragement? Sounds like some sort of guide.
If I tried looking at things from my mothers point of view, I wonder how much she really cares about my growth as a person (ive not come far). Maybe she stopped caring about daughters after my older sister was born, succeeded, and grew to be the golden child I feel like she is. Maybe she loves me. She probably doesn’t like me though. And for some reason that makes me sad. Couldn’t blame her though, i dont even like me.
Would she have ever felt like she needed a guide to raise me? No, my older sister has already caused that novel experience for her, im sure.
I wonder why I have such an attention starved mentality. And I only say this because it feels like the only time she really cares about me in a motherly way is when im hurt or in danger. Otherwise its just like she’s something, someone, more distant. Just making up with me when I get mad or sad at something she says. Something distant, like extended family, but more familiar, when we all laugh together as a family. I don’t know. Maybe its care. Feeling like someone cares, not just attention.

Would she ever care? If I were attached to her at all? If I never spoke to her again? If I died? If I ran away and disappeared? Would she cry? Laugh? Smile? Forget? I wonder what I mean to her, if anything at all, after my older sister.

I wonder about my dad sometimes. He says a lot of things. Like he so was happy when I was born. Technically im his first biological daughter but honestly, that means nothing to me. All I am is a second, and not a good one. He says a lot of things. That im beautiful, intelligent, and good. But I wonder where he’s looking when he says those things. Into the past? Or perhaps he’s imagining it all. Regardless, im pretty sure he doesnt hate the idea of me he has in his head. I wonder if he’d hate me if he knew more,,, none of them will ever know more.

I wonder if- nah im pretty sure my siblings wouldnt think about it that deeply. Theyre cool.

I love my family, but I also am sad for my family. I feel like their flaw. Like some sort of black sheep in the family, even if they dont notice it. They are all good. And im not good enough. Socially. Physically.
Lol I can barely see mh screen rifht nlw.
Why am I tearing up.
Its okay.

I just wondered. Does she care?

I wouldnt, if I were her.

I just hope that I can be a good thing them, while im here. A good support. A nice older sister to my brother. A nice younger sister to my older sister. A decent, at least, child to my parents. And not that bad to the people around me. And then leave, painlessly. I hope they dont hate me by then.

Numbers- Temporex

Saying you’re better than everyone else as a coping mechanism. I couldn’t. I have too much shame and self hatred to keep up that sort of facade. Ive thought about it before. Attempted it even. That im the most beautiful person, smarter, more confident, funny asf, and kind. But I don’t feel like it, so i cant act like it or think like it. Well now it doesnt seem so daunting. I just don’t feel real enough to be the polar opposite either. I feel like nothing. Unseen. Unheard. Unnoticed. Not here. 19 more minutes.