Tati

Friday

Feeling particularly uncomfortable with myself today.
I want to go home, it's raining, mentally.
And my hands are dry and cold.
I wish that I had the ability to lose myself in fiction again.
Books, anime, movies, ff, youtubers, play throughs, etc.
My mind is always ticking, always thinking, now.
Today feels like the kind of day you'd binge watch a netflix show, but my room is no longer comfortable as it once was.
Before, it was safe, fun, spacious yet cozy for me.
Now it is just a reminder, every day I come home. I come home to myself, and only me, really.
I no longer come home to a bunch of sources of entertainment and a bit of homework to finish.
It's me, and my thoughts, and a desire to just sit on the floor and not get back up. Or maybe even walk back out the front door.

Things feel different, though they may not seem/look like it.
That makes all the difference.
I read somewhere that teenagers start to recognize themselves as separate beings from their parents, gaining self awareness, or some sense of self. That that's something that separates them from their younger counterparts.
I should've remained the same because now, the feeling is permanent.

I just don't feel like putting /myself/ near these people. I want to go home and sleep.
I feel strange, not feeling strangeness but feeling that I /am/ it.
I feel many things that I'd rather not name, ugly words, and ugly thoughts that almost hurt to say out loud, or type.
Music lightens the burden, but not nearly enough.

Today, my room is messy and my work is still not done. My body doesn't feel the best and my mind isn't happy. My stomach isn't empty despite me not eating anything. That's why I need to go to sleep.

I'd originally wanted to note how I'm feeling but I can never describe it properly. I feel like alienating myself. Or being invisible. Or not being here at all. Not being at all. There is no aesthetic to this. Just me, and that's as un-aesthetic as it can get. I'll do my homework I just don't want to see another human being outside of my family ever again. I've never even looked any in the eye.. I never want to see my human body ever again either. I feel very isolated within myself. Like I'll be here forever. And nothing will ever change. And I'll just keep getting older, getting more work, not wanting to socialize, and then want to die enough to actually just do it.

Anyway, this music I'm listening to is quite nice. I wish I were in my bed, but I really don't. I feel so much better, but so much worse there. Better because I'm safely away from everyone, and comfortable and all things are good. But bad because that room feels so trapping now, at the same time. Whether it's because my desk is too close to my bed, or because I usually have the curtain closed since if I feel bad the sun shouldn't be out, or maybe it's the way I'm looking at it.
The only place that I can be free, free from seeing my body, feeling like I am seen by other people, safe from judgement that I never received, is underneath my covers. It's almost funny
the way I beat everyone
to bullying myself into timidity.
So now it's ingrained and I am doomed, emotionally.

Self destruction, my friends.