Primal Screaming ⌘ Or, "My Friends Aren't Therapists & I Need to Vent"
I'm Struggling Really Hard Right Now.
Today [the 4th] was the funeral for my uncle. He was one of the most incredible people I've ever met. He was more a father to me than my own father ever was.
May is riddled with awful anniversaries for my family. And now there's another one.
I'm also really pissed off at my best friend, whom I've mentioned briefly before [Entry: "Decent Few Days/Worried About Work"]. I'll call him "Kody."
Kody helped me out a lot these past couple of days. I appreciate everything he did. But there were two times I had to practically yell at him to stop trying to be helpful in the sense that he chose this time to discuss stuff he thinks I'm not confronting about myself.
He's actually incorrect about both things, but if this were literally any other time, I'd be far more appreciative of his concern. But, buddy, read the damn room. I just buried one of the most important people I've ever had in my life. No, now is NOT the time to basically back me into a corner and have me explain to you why it's NOT, in fact, ridiculous that I still don't want to go into restaurants or movie theaters because COVID is still an ongoing issue and in the area where we live, most of the populace haven't taken it seriously this whole time.
I love Kody to death. I always say that the mark of a truly great friend is that they won't let you torpedo your life and that they'll be willing to have those difficult conversations and call you out on your bs, even if they think you'll be mad at them. I know he means well. But when he thinks that something is ridiculous, or when he has an idea about how something is, he doesn't hesitate to tell you. And he doesn't understand how condescending he sounds sometimes, because he's a teacher, so he deals with little kids all the time and when he thinks you're being ridiculous, he'll speak to you as though you're a child he's explaining stuff to. He doesn't realize that he uses "teacher voice" with everyone sometimes.
Truly, Kody is a great guy. If he weren't, I wouldn't continue to be friends with him. I'm too old and tired to keep toxic relationships like I did in my teens and twenties. And I will be the first to tell you that there's lots of crap that I totally do need to work on about myself, or hangups that get in the way of things for me way more often than they should. But, for as deeply flawed as I am, admitting when someone is right about one of those things has never been one of my problems. I have had people I trust tell me to my face things that were painful to hear, but that I needed to hear, and I never once argued with them when they were right. No matter how much it hurt to confront whatever truth they just held up to my face. One of the only good things I learned from my father being so terrible [because he never did this and that's part of why I don't speak to him anymore] was that you need to own up when you mess up, apologize when you've hurt someone, and do your best to be better moving forward.
If I'm arguing with one of these trusted people about something they perceive as something I need to work on, it's not because I'm in denial. It's not because I just don't want to confront it. It's because they are incorrect about how they seem to think things are. And in Kody's case, he projects a lot of his own familial stuff onto how he thinks things are or should be, which has led to a lot of me having to tell him that, although I feel terrible that he had to go through what he went through and he never deserved that, just because he's bull-headed and stubborn about things doesn't mean that that's the way things ought to be for everyone. It doesn't mean that anyone who thinks or feels or behaves differently just needs to grow up.
And when you choose NOW, when I'm grieving one of the most painful losses I've ever experienced, while also having to wrap my head around having to be in the same room as my father whom I haven't had any contact with in years, and the anniversary of my mother's passing coming up in this same week? I don't care how much you mean well, or how much you feel the need to say these things because you care about me. It's the wrong damn time. And the way in which you choose to do so in such a stern, "you need to hear this for your own good" kind of way on top of that, then no. I'm not having that.
I have so much bs going on in my head right now. I'm mourning my uncle. I'm pissed at my best friend and really not looking forward to the conversation I'm going to have to have with him [because I can't just let this go like I usually do]. No matter how much I look, I can't find job listings that are a good fit, and I'm really done with my job right now... I haven't heard from my boss once this week. Not even to give me her condolences. And so, on top of all the rest of this stress, I just know it's going to be bedlam when I log in tomorrow [technically later today] for my first of two makeup days because I'm willing to wager the few bucks I've got in my bank account right now that she's done nothing this whole week.
So, yeah... I'm struggling bad. And I don't see the damn point of anything right now. But I've got to get to bed, and hope that my mind doesn't go through all the worst case scenarios of how my inevitable conversation with Kody will go. Like it did earlier when I was trying to take a nap after the funeral.
Whatever time of day it is for you, I hope you're having a good one, friend.