Tati

no name
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2022-05-04 00:49:00 (UTC)

Me

Self centered
Some sort of mix of an inferiority and superiority complex
Some social anxiousness mixed in to make me want to die
Shame
Lack of confidence with a wavering ego
And problems setting priorities straight
Envy
Low self esteem

I see no signs of depression or any real mental illness. If anyone else were me, they’d be just as sick of it all as I am.

And it’s honestly so embarrassing that I don’t even want to go back. My heart was beating so hard I could barely hear my voice and I could feel more than hear it shaking with how strong my heart was pounding. Such a pathetic display is not something I even want to come back from. I wish my moodiness and “sadness” or whatever was enough to slow/delay my body from reacting so much but all it does is overlap and make me want to kill myself.

Im willing to bet the only reason I’m on that app is because I can’t sing. And I just sound better on there. And I’m so self centered and desperate for anything good about myself to barely hang onto, that I stay on there listening to my own voice. Sad really. Pitiful even. My heart doesn’t hurt but I bet the strain I’m feeling is because of how much I wish I could just pull it out.
I didn’t ask for this “nervousness,” constantly flowing through me to ruin every single attempt at anything. Shaky voices, heart palpitations, shaking limbs, and self deprecating thoughts. I didn’t ask for any of it, I assure you. And all I can do is put it all down on the table for you to see and hopefully understand just how incompetent of a human being I am so that at least you know that you can’t expect anything from me. I’m incapable. Nervous. And fearful. And infinitely unready, it seems, no matter how many times I do this.

I just wish I could at least have social normality. At least this. Who cares if my mood is off or if I lack the energy and motivation or if I’m no longer hungry. Shucks, even if I become indecisive about everything down to my after school activities because nothing is interesting enough anymore. I at least want to be able to communicate it properly instead of suddenly becoming SELECTIVELY FUDGING MUTE. To be unable to convey a single thing that’s troubling me.

Can’t ask for help. So I’d be stuck with this. stuck with myself. And ultimately,

Useless.

I wish I were better.


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