GoodGirl
Evolving marriage
Arousal Oil Pt 2
Dear Diary,
I find that I want to write here at times but Im so tired by the time I can sit down and have a moment, so I am able to eek out as much as I can to try and unload my brain somewhat. Plus its always more fun to write more quickly after things, when they are more fresh in your mind. But I was sleepy!
So I cried, let things out, some uncomfortable, but things went good with us. He at first was over questioning and trying to problem solve and I had to remind him I was just thinking out loud and unpacking things. The whole realizing I was with my ex out of obligation is truly an eye opener for me that I never realized until now. I thought it was just immature love, but it wasnt, when I realized how I didnt have certain feelings in the relationship. It was a mix of Brainwashing, Abuse and Obligation. Sexual abuse/grooming, tied in with purity culture views and the church and the sense of Obligation. What really sealed it was going to see Petra in concert and Josh McDowell as there, and it was the "Why Wait?" tour in regards to sex. And he held up a piece of clay, 2 colors, and showed them as 2 people and then mashed them together, this is the 2 people having sex, then he pulled the clay apart and said "See you can never separate them, they are forever joined" and in my teenage immature brain, I took that to mean I was joined and needed to be with that person as I could never been unmixed with him again and to be right by God I couldnt mix anything else. I went through the Bible and every vs I could find on sex, marriage, lust and all I got was "Its better for a man to marry then burn with lust" type scriptures.
But then if I look at the relationship
1. The first time he touched me, I didnt want it, I froze, I cried when he left, I called him that eve to break up and told him it was wrong and I cant do it. He apologized, said it wouldnt happen again (Liar) but I believed him because I just wanted to be Loved, and this is the first guy saying he loves me and wants to spend all his time with me.
2. The many times I cried, the 2 break up attempts I made because of the sexual things going on but went back to him out of dependency/emotional neediness
3. When I opened up to my best gf yrs later at church about what had been going on, she had me come visit and stay with her at Christian college and got me a meeting with the counselor there, a book author, he sat with me a public hall corner and I remember having a roll of toilet paper for tissue, and I told the story of what had been going on, He listened, didnt say much, I unloaded and cried and I just remember him saying "And why are you with this guy???" with a look of astonishment.
4. The time I opened up to the christian comedian at our church as to what was going on, my ex and I sat with him, he put us in touch with our youth pastor, who I then told, who met with us weekly and I made a chart on a calendar or days we fooled around and didnt and that I wanted to stop and my ex sat beside me. And Im like WTHell was all that about looking back seeing my teenage self. Instead nobody was digging into WHY? What was wrong, why was I reaching out? Nobody tackled that, they just talked about purity, ways to be pure or suggested marriage.
5. The time I told our leader at the Youth Ministry organization we were volunteers at working with high schoolers, and my ex was living a lie, you had to be sexually pure, sign an agreement, Id feel confused, hed teach a lesson but go home and do stuff to me, and go back and speak on masterbation to teen boys? How not to do it "Your erecting an idol" was the phrase, and Id sit in the corner, feel like a hypocrite and ashamed and wonder how could this guy go on like nothing. We of course stepped down after I told our leader.
6. When I was at the skating rink and telling the older guy there who was hitting on me while I was a nanny with the kids I took. I ended up confiding in him about the relationship and straight up told him Im with a guy I dont want to be fooling around with?? I said this. I ended up breaking up with my ex that time and began to see that guy, but my ex refused to let me go. He was away at a camp when I broke up, he literally left the camp and that job to come chase after me, and he did, stalked, followed, publicly shamed me, harrassed, brought people to come talk to me, you name it and finally scared me away from the guy and I went back by default as we sat in his place singing worship songs in the dark together to Jesus thinking it will be different (No bunch of lies)
7. The time he bought us a set of wedding rings when we dated, without talking to me, I was freaked out and told him to return them.
8. The way I felt when he went away to work in the summer for wk stretches and I was without him, he couldnt use a phone either, so I was totally cut off, and Id fall apart the first few days emotionally, like I literally felt I couldnt function when he was gone. I was at youth group and we were having prayer time and going around in a circle and it got to me and I started to bawl, and the youth pastor said how cute I was crying over my bf being gone. But it was a sick dependency, it wasnt love and longing, I was so messed up in the head and he dominated all my free time and was constantly sexual with me and trying things that I didnt know how to function outside of him and guilt and shame flooded me and longing for more of the abuse mixed in at the same time. That is how that guy showed he loved me, I mean really? Is that what I wanted truly in my heart, NO. So after 2 days it was like my head would clear and I could be my own person again and function and the fog lifted, until he returned for 24 hrs, did sexual things to me once again and left and the pattern started over, 2 more days of being fucked up in the head until it cleared.
9. The pastor getting wind from a college guy who I talked to about sexual struggles at a college bible study, my ex claimed he had him in his office, grabbed him by the shirt collar and told him he needed to get married or get out. And we married 6 mos later as a result of that episode, the shame, people knew, we were in sin, and I just wanted to make it right by God, do the right thing, Ugh, so I thought.
And thats just some of it. Some of the highlights of that stuff when we dated.
But I fought for the marriage, stayed and did everything out of a Moral duty and obligation to be a good girl.
But who really was I? Independent of the ex? I didnt get that time to explore it because he came into the picture and dominated my free time and was controlling and a perv. I was his play kink toy to try everything on he fantasized about, he didnt have conversations with me, he didnt ASK me my thoughts or if things were okay, he just DID them, did them with persistence, did them with intense focus and manipulation, wearing me down softly and the long game at times. To where I would finally get turned on and then Id allow things, but some times he just did those things, things in the dark, all the items he wanted to insert inside me, that was a big thing during our dating yrs, in the dark and putting some object inside me that I couldnt see or know what it was. It was the kink and I would start to expect it and get turned on by it, sometimes repulsed, sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes too rough, but it was my normal if you will. This is the guy that loves me right?
Bleh!
I reclaimed my sexuality when I left him, I found someone I wanted to have sex with, on MY terms, who I had passion for. Who wasnt pushy and aggressive and let me take the lead. And I felt safe.
That safety has always been important, but along with that came his issues with intimacy and his own sex drive/libido,,,
So Ill jump back to here and now.
After tears, crying, talking in the dark about all this junk, holding each other, carressing each other naked, him touching my breast, after all the tension was gone, I just pulled myself close to him last night and we began to heavily kiss, the type with tongues and panting and animal like, and I felt better. I felt safe again, I felt able to relax and let go. And we had sex. And because of my period, which Ive always been nervous about, the heavy days, usually first 2 days I avoid sex, think its gross, messy but hes said its okay he doesnt care but Ive put those limits at times and he doesnt push them, but I was willing to let that get set aside, and wow it was WET and I thought it was because of my period (and it may have been) we just put a pad down and had a towel. And I thought, hmm I dont feel anything different, the Foria arousal oil... but the reviews online said a few things ( smooth, feeling of extreme wetness and then stronger orgasms)
I was riding him on top, and he pulled my hair, I like to be more grabbed from the back of my neck base of my scalp, hands reaching into my hair and then clenched, that type of sensual hair pulling, spanked me, not beating spanking, but a hand on my ass cheek that slaps down and holds my behind, the things I like, and just riding him, and then the orgasm came! Yay! One thing to note since the hormones is, thats its taken me longer to orgasm or sometimes I just dont, but I enjoy myself and am fully turned on. Well, last night I had 3 in a row!!!!!!!! thats how I used to be when we werent having sex often, I was so easily to orgasm and could multiple times I think because of the lack of time we had it I was so aroused when we did. So I havent really been multi orgasmic since last yr. So Id say, the arousal oil was a success! We will try it again minus the period to see if that is what the wetness feeling was or not. I was so exhausted I had him get on top of me to finish. And I felt good again. The bed sheets felt so soft on my feet in the covers, the world felt alright, I was relaxed and my mind free.
We were talking this am and he said that it is interesting to watch me unpack all of this stuff, hes been with me through much of it already and knows all this, but the revelation of Obligation being my life I didnt realize until he said it this past wk and the light went on. He also said "I think you might be having an existential crisis" and I asked to define what that meant, and I can see some of it, but Im not in a dark hole of worry and lost about it overall. I just googled the crisis thing this am and yes I have parts of it, such as
What is an existential crisis?
An existential crisis, by definition, refers to the ensemble of feelings and questions we have to do with the meaning and purpose of our life. These questions aren't easy to find answers to, and this can leave us feeling stuck. We feel unsure of how to respond or which way to go, and it can even impact our lives in a negative way if these feelings persist or worsen.
Existential crises are often be associated with a negative impact on one’s life, but we forget the positive effect it can have. An existential crisis means we have the opportunity to get back in touch with our values, meaning and purpose, and with what we want to make of our lives. This can help us evaluate, plan and adapt our actions and direction in order to lead the life we want and will be happy with.
So why are they so common? Well, they usually happen whenever we – as human beings – are faced with circumstances, changes, or transitions in our lives that are difficult for us to adapt to, or that leave us wondering if this is the direction we want our life to take. Whether these transitions are expected or not, we may feel like we have limitations that leave us questioning the direction our life is taking.
I said to husband, have you ever had one? He said "Oh my gosh, all the times, its been a major part of my life" and I think he thought Im a bit darker then where I am because of his own experience. He said "I hope that you want to remain with me as you figure all of this out, but I understand if your life isnt what you wanted it to be" I said "I want you to be in it, I want you as a part of it" he said he was glad.
This page covers much of it and was a good read on this
https://www.betterup.com/blog/what-is-an-existential-crisis
I told husband its like Im still unpacking my life and whats happened, but also why Ive done or lived the ways Ive lived.
At the end of the marriage to my ex I picked up an addiction to thrift/shopping, buying things to resell, I did it to cope and survive, but it grew, I became a collectibles hoarder if you will. My house packed full of things, too much clutter. When my ex was gone and I was raising 2 sons alone, going into teenage yrs, and my long prolonged stressfull yrs of divorce/custody proceedings, I lost myself in my things to make me feel better, the high or hit I got from a cool deal at a yard sale or thrift shop. This became my life, my comfort, those things around me made me feel warm, held, made me smile, these things saved me, gave me $$, gave me purpose, gave me a rush, and they didnt hurt me. They were safe. ANd that grew and became a source of contention many yrs in, we had some arguments over it in our last home, a smaller 2 bedroom house, but I brought all my Crap with me. Husband would go off at times and Id feel ashamed and sad and beat myself up but couldnt explain it, its just how I was. I remember we had an argument finally one day where he realized "YOur turmoil is on the outside, its displayed by your stuff, and you express your emotions, mine is on the inside and not there for everyone to see, so its easier to focus on yours" and I thought that was a true statement. I just thought this is how I am, and so the life changer right now, is once we started to have more sex and I felt sexy and desired, Ive lost my drive to buy stuff and collect, I have literally given up going to my shops, I pass them now and go Eh? and opt not to go, my days in the big city I dont hit the ReStore like I used to and loved that place! I havent been there since sometime last yr
I also want to get rid of things now, the clutter is bothering me. I need to make a big donation to the thrift, its in my head but the energy to do it hasnt come out just yet, but I know which items are going. Throwing things away, I dont need to keep everything. And then realizing, is this why I have been doing this? Because of a lack of intimacy with my husband? Really? Is this behind it all? It baffles me how this compulsion just shut off, or did I replace it with Sex? Is that a bad thing? I mean how long can we keep this pace up. We are averaging sex almost daily now. We have never been like this in our 20 yrs of knowing one another.
But also there were so many yrs of neglect and hurt and I realized those under feelings are all still there, they didnt just go away with frequent sex, so we got into that, its not that Im not happy, Im very happy with the changes, but I still have those other feelings inside of me. And those can play out now in performance, wanting to be the best wife, lover, etc. And husband said "Ah now you understand me and my issues with performance and fixation on that" and that was why last night when we first were going to try and have sex I got in my head and complicated and made it all about a performance and then shut down, got overwhelmed and was saying i need to knock it off, keep it simple, relax. And we opted not to do anything and talked. (which later ended in sex)
But am I an over achiever now, seeking validation with sex? Why am I so into giving my husband blow jobs when I never really did that stuff for most of my life, yet I go on hormones and now I fantasize about it and crave it? Seriously I could do it almost every day, and wish he asked for it instead of me coming to him and have told him so, but then I worry I will ruin the excitement and newness with it being too often and try to limit myself, when I share these thoughts with husband he laughs and says oh your too in your head about that, as not to worry.
I was listening to a podcast and a woman talking about a lover she had cumming inside of her, a particular man and she had fibromyalgia and noticed after they started to have sex without a condomn she started to feel better, and realizing his semen was having an effect on her body and mind and health, so I googled that, and saw that it has anti depressant qualities, semen. Is that why Im craving it? Is it giving me that also and thats part of it? I dont know, I just know if Im laying next to him and running my hand over his chest and down his thighs as we snuggle, eventually its on his cock and I caress and fondle gently and then I just want it in my mouth, I want to suck, I want it, I want him to move in and out, I want it to messy and wet and hear the saliva and suction, I want him to grab my head and guide it gently like his does, I like hearing him say how good I am at this, I like when he tells me he is about to cum and I just hold my mouth in place, he cant handle me sucking then, its too overstimulating and so I just pause, and sometimes I gag, but if I pull back far enough and just rest there as he fills my mouth, Im fine, and once hes done and I pull off, I can then swallow, I tend to gag on it if its in the back of my throat, sensation and taste wise, but if hes resting in my mouth, fills it then a pause and I swallow, then its fine, and I feel good and accomplished if that even makes sense? Because this is something I didnt think I would ever do. And does he like it? I feel close to him, do I like it more then him? He says he has never really fetishsized blow jobs, and how many guys do, but he will always choose penis in vagina sex over a blow job as his fave, but that he doesnt hate it either. He said only 3 women have ever made him cum from a blow job and Im one of them. He never had long relationships. and his first encounter was an older girl who used teeth and he said it felt awful(his first experience with a blow job) so it just wasnt a regular part of what he did, even for almost 20 yrs of our time together, he said 'You used to only really do it when I was leaving and we were dating and in your shower" and that was true, we could both fit in the shower and I could suck him and spit in the shower, because I couldnt handle smells and swallowing. So the shower was easy, and he did enjoy that, but knew it was just a special thing now and then, he didnt ask for it, he knew my ex abused that and came in my mouth at the end of the marriage in a demeaning non respectful way and I had some trauma over it and spoke about it, so he was being considerate of me. And I guess now, I feel like I reclaimed blow jobs for ME, something I want to do, learn about and master and enjoy and create enjoyment for my spouse, we both get something out of it. Its not an obligatory anniv, bday blow job or something Im doing as a marital Duty or obligation, its a desire, a want, something I look forward to and want to share with him.
So I have a thermography appt thurs, been wanting to one of these forever but never have and havent done a mammogram in yrs, and Im way overdue and dont care for radiation on my breasts, so found a place out here in the big city, Im doing the full body scan though, pray nothing is wrong, Ive had a pain under my armpit right breast since Ive been sick, thought it was coughing causing it, massage therapist said it feels like my lympnodes where its sore and im still fighting off whatever got me sick, Im still coughing, or allergies I have now, which its still windy and dry here. So Im all afraid something is wrong and need to get checked out, also have a spot on my head by my hair I need a dermatogist to look at, looked up those drs, but that will probably have to get scheduled next month as Im trying to take a trip this next wk out of state. I can worry myself with fears or concerns, and I need to find out if its just fears in my head or if something is up so I can take action.
My husband is a good man, we grew up at extremes, me in a world of duty, good girl, obligation and not acting out, him in neglect, sexual abuse, drugs, alcohol, acting out, punk rock, etc. He said he thinks its why we work out so well, we balance one another out. We both bring much life to the table and different experiences and are able to share that with one another and I think that has always been a very cool thing about us. Hes working right now, in the room next to me, being the boss to his team online and reviewing things and putting out fires as he calls it. Hes good at this, hes paid well, hes stepped up to management and Im proud of him and the company hes at seems to be treating him well now. He has good health benefits again and we have been taking care of things and soon he will have his surgery and take care of himself too.
things are pretty good, even on those days you might think your having an existential-crisis